action to the passion

Grace Poured Out

2011-11-14T17:48:00.000-05:00

Most days I feel overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. Most days I question if I can really be the wife and mom that I so desperately want to be for my family. Most days the enemy finds a way to attack my resolve to stand in the gap for my family. Some days I foolishly let him win, and some days I refuse to let him think he has a chance with my family through the great power of the Holy Spirit.

Then, I have a day like today. A day where the only thing I am overwhelmed with is the grace that God chose me. ME. to be in this family. He chose ME to be the wife of the most amazing man I've ever known. He chose ME to be the mom to a baby in heaven and two precious little girls. It's a beautiful gift and I get to do it. Not anyone else in the whole world gets to be John's wife or these babies mom.

I come from a broken family. My two main adult influences growing up were my mom and grandmother. Both single women. One from divorce and the other separated by death. I didn't grow up learning Bible verses or about how much God loved me. I don't have any siblings so I have no personal experience regarding Ella and Charlotte's relationship. The list can continue and grow more detailed, but you get the idea.

Some days the enemy tries to trick me into believing that I have a long list of things that disqualify me from being the prayer warrior wife and mom that is my heart's desire.

But, today? No, he doesn't get to whisper those lies to me today. Instead, I am choosing to be amazingly overwhelmed with God's grace that He chose me to be the wife and mom in this family. He chose me with all of my junk, my shortcomings, my failures, and my sin.

I don't deserve to be John's wife and receive the most meaningful, fairy tale style love I've ever had, outside of my relationship with God. I don't deserve to be the one to show TWO daughters how to love the Lord and grow up to be women that bless others.

But, regardless of what I do or don't deserve, I will spend the rest of my days crying out to the One that lavished this type of grace over my life. May He be glorified through me and the most beautiful family I could have ever dreamed!

Ella is ONE!!

2011-09-19T11:24:00.001-04:00

On September 11, Ella turned one year old!! Does anyone else feel like that's crazy?! Because, I sure do!

Her party invitation

Our new birthday tradition started with
Ella! Every time someone has a birthday
in our little family, the wreath will come out
for the week!

Dessert table! All pink desserts (including
the yummy strawberry filled Oreos in the back)
I made the table skirt with various ribbons,
streamers, and tulle. I loved the way it turned
out!

The pom-poms! I adored these and had a really hard time
taking them down! A few are in Ella's room now :o)

Her birthday banner! I started out making
one idea I had and then changed it to this one!
I really love the way it turned out (even free-
handing each letter, ahhhh!!). The backdrop is
the same as the tableskirt, ribbons, streamer, and
tulle.

Pretty pink flowers and ribbons instead of a
table runner!

Garland made from Ella's 1-11month pictures. In between
each picture was a tulle puff as I called them, haha

The favors...Good & Plenty! We liked the idea of the pink
and white candy, so we made up a little tagline to go with it!

Our family!

Showing off her birthday outfit! The hairbow
and tutu are the same she wore in her 1-11
month pictures.

I just love this picture! We let her go to town with the
ribbons and streamers after her party!

On her actual birthday the next day! We went
to church and then the zoo! Here she is with her
Nana (John's mom)

At the zoo!!

Ella's birthday was full of such precious moments that I hope we never forget! Including all hands on deck to get everything set up before her big party! I am so glad both John and I's mother's were in town. Plus, John is always such a huge help with stuff like this and I honestly couldn't be more grateful.

In the days leading up to Ella's party and birthday, I continually prayed that she would feel overwhelmed with love by everything that was put into it. And, through our love that she would get even just a small glimpse of God's love for her. That's why we stayed up late making pom-poms or garland or making my crazy table skirt because I had the idea at the last second. And, you know what? I think she did experience some of the depth of the love we have for her. Of course we pray she sees it everyday, but I think her birthday weekend was full of reminders for her!

Thanks everyone that came to the party and of course, our family that helped out SO MUCH!! Our little girl has been the biggest blessing of our lives and thanks for helping us to show her that in a new way :o)

Ella Update and Baby Update!!

2011-08-11T14:55:00.001-04:00

Two rather fun milestones shared a day today!! First, is that sweet baby Ella is ELEVEN months old today! Bahhh! One more month until the big one year...so excited! And, the second fun thing of today is that we got to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time...yay!

Ella Tidbits:

--We really think she gets sweeter every day! She still has her fiery/strong-willed streak in her, but she has calmed down a whooole lot the last few months. She giggles and smiles and gives kisses now. I just love that little laugh!

--She is loving her some finger foods! Anything soft, mushy, and dairy-free will be eaten up in a snap! We've actually had to resort back to breaking up her puffs and making even smaller pieces of food than before. Girlfriend likes her food and thinks it's a challenge to shove as much food in her mouth at once as possible. Therefore, after she choked and changed color a couple of times, I decided I would much rather break everything into the smallest pieces for the rest of her life than be a freakazoid that she's going to choke. She has since started to slow down a bit, so maybe we'll try whole puffs and bigger pieces again...maybe :o)

--No crawling! But, for the first time in her life, she is actually seeming like she might be interested. She's been putting herself on her tummy a lot lately (which has NEVER happened before). She's pumping and sometimes seems like she's about to crawl. But, then she either stops or rolls over, haha. But, regardless, she's been getting around by scooting on her bottom which is hi-lar-i-ous. I've always thought she'd skip crawling altogether, but she may just give it a go!

--She's still rather hairless. But, her hair is definitely still dark and her eyes are most definitely bright blue. She also has a little curl to her hair during bathtime. Of course, that makes me so happy!

--Little Miss talks and talks and talks. I really think she believes she is talking in full sentences and telling us stories. She will babble on and on and on. Her most frequent words are: dada, mama, and baba (maybe for the baby brother or sister she will have in February?! Can I get a what, what??)

--Still taking 2 naps a day (thank you, Jesus! Sickly mama needs her morning nap still, hehe). And, sleeps 11-12hours a night. She's a great sleeper and still loves her crib. We don't take it granted for a second!

--She is SO girly. Her noises, her squeals, her tone, the way she crosses her legs, the way she holds her hands, etc. She is just the girliest baby I have ever met! You take the pink away from her, and the hairbows and simply by her voice and mannerisms, you would KNOW she's a girl. And, can I tell you something? I totally love it!!

Now for some Baby Phillips tidbits:

--This pregnancy has been completely different than my one with Ella. The biggest difference being my sickness level. This first trimester has been what I would assume most women mean to be "bad morning sickness". I throw up, I've lost 2 pounds, smells make me cringe, and all around just feel nauseous 24/7. I have begun to realize that my sickness level with Ella was just flatout not normal. The doctor's weren't kidding, I really did have hyperemesis and it was terrible. With her, I had already lost 10 pounds at this point, not two! With her, I couldn't get food, drink or stomach bile to stay down. Already I am feeling the sickness escape me (not 100%, but definitely getting there!) and with her, I was able to at least function again around 18 weeks. But, I was sick the entire. time. with her! I was very nervous about being sick for another 9 months, since I just went through that. But, it looks like the Lord may just spare me from that this time around!

--With Ella I was definitely a salt craver, but this time around, I don't seem to be biased toward either, haha! Time will tell which taste I crave more (especially since I am slowly getting to the point where I can eat again!)

--Today we heard the heartbeat for the first time and it was more difficult on me than I anticipated. If you remember, that's how we discovered we had lost our first baby. Since I didn't know what to expect that first time around, it didn't seem a big deal to me that the doctor kept looking and looking and couldn't find it. Then, couldn't on the portable ultrasound and ultimately nothing on the big ultrasound. I didn't think anything bad was going on until that big ultrasound (because our first ultrasound was just fine). There have been a lot of similarities of this pregnancy with our first baby and that's been hard on me. Then, today came and the doctor had to search for our precious baby's heartbeat. The look on the doctor's face wasn't very reassuring. I felt my whole body go weak and my brain hit overdrive. With the first baby, I had begun feeling much better but just assumed it was because the first trimester was ending. I have also thought the same thing this time around. So, when it took a minute to find the heartbeat, I was immediately back on the table, in my old doctor's office, in Orlando. But, this time, I wasn't naive and thinking everything was fine. Rather, this time, my mind ran right to the worst place in a split second. But, thankfully, he did find the heartbeat and everything was perfect. Nice and strong at 158 bpm.

It's been a strange day for me so far. Joyful for the life that God is growing within, but sorrowful over what happened almost two years ago now. It's amazing how something similar can take you back so quickly. I'm also sorrowful because hearing Ella's heartbeat for the first time and now this precious baby's were more of relief in the moment rather than abundant joy. But, I was just telling a dear friend today that I think one of the reasons that the Lord allowed us to lose our first baby was to teach me to cherish every single moment of my future children. And, that is what I am choosing to do today.

I will cherish the fact that my daughter is 11 months old and I love her more than I ever thought imaginable. I will also cherish that the Lord is allowing me to experience pregnancy one more time and Lord-willing, have another precious baby to cause my cup to runneth over even more!

Another Baby!

2011-07-16T20:40:00.000-04:00

Little Miss is about to become a Big Miss! That's right, we are expecting another Phillips baby :o) Ella and our little peanut will be 17 months apart (oh. my. word.) and we couldn't be more excited! More details to come, but we had our first ultrasound yesterday. And, everything looks absolutely perfect! We fell in love with the peanut pretty stinkin' quick and come February, the Phillips house is going to be a little bit cuh-razy. And, weeeee love it!

Happy Father's Day, John!!

2011-06-19T11:33:00.000-04:00

One of the things I absolutely knew I wanted in a husband was for him to be a great father to our children. And, I can honestly say that John surpasses even my highest hopes for a great dad for my children. He is ridiculously selfless when it comes to caring for me and baby girl.

He is such a hands-on dad and Ella absolutely loves him for it! He knows I am not a morning person (and, well, he's not either) and eight out of ten mornings, he is the one to get Little Miss up in the morning. He gets her up, snuggles her some, changes her diaper and brings her on downstairs. When we go out to eat and if Ella is not a happy camper, he will insist (despite my tries to intervene) that he can take care of her. He'll let his food get cold or eat one-handed, just so I can get a small break and enjoy some food. If we are headed out, he will always be the one to lug her carseat in and out of the car. He loves wearing her in the baby carrier on walks and out and about. He even made her baby food one evening (steamed sweet potatoes and then pureed them up) because I was a little sleepy.

All of those things are just a small glimpse into the million little things he does every. single. day. to love on his baby girl and take care of his wife. I am crazy-blessed and have no idea why God gave such a great man to Ella and me!

John, we love you so much and hope that you have an amazing father's day!!!

All Things Ella!

2011-05-29T22:41:00.000-04:00

I figured it was time for another update on the princess of the Phillips household!

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning" Here is our "morning"!

--She will be 9 months in less than 2 weeks! So crazy to think we're not too far off from a birthday party

--She's eating pureed solid foods, but still figuring out finger foods. She hasn't quite connected the fact that when she grabs a chunk of food she can put it in her mouth. It's rather comical because everything else in the world she picks up goes in her mouth, but not actual food!

Giggly baby!

--We are still staying away from everything that is dairy. I plan to talk with the doctor more at her 9-month check-up to try and figure out how we determine in the future if she has a true dairy allergy or not. We tried her on a dairy formula when she was 7 months (we supplemented for just under a month) and she broke out like a mad woman. So, it was kind of a nice little test to see if the dairy would still cause her to get crazy eczema. But, now I'm wondering more about the future. I don't want to expose her to anything that could cause her throat to close up or something terrifying like that! So, we'll see what the doctor's advice is on that one :o)

Why scoot around on your tummy if you can do it while on your back?

--She has no interest at all in crawling. Seriously, she could care less about it. She still HATES being on her tummy. I can amuse her for a minute or two on her tummy before the screaming starts, but then she screams and rolls over. Haha. But, every once in a while, during her brief tummy time, she'll make some moves that lead us to believe she's about to crawl! Personally, I'm just enjoying the immobile time while it lasts. Because, I know it'll be a whole different ball game soon enough!

--She likes to sit up for a little while, but for whatever reason, likes laying on her back better. I've tried to keep her from laying back down before and she'll throw a mini-tantrum and push back on my hand as hard as possible to get back laying down. Some days she'll sit up and play a whole lot, while other days, she's on her back a lot.

Whenever she's doing something funny and we pull the camera out
she immediately stops and gives this face!

--If the sitting up versus laying down thing doesn't prove she's strong-willed, then spend a day with us and you can see all of the other little things she does that proves her strong personality :o) She keeps things interesting and I love it!

She loves to get into everything! So, she's helping mommy go through coupons :o)

--She is babbling away these days. Mama was her first word and her new word is Dada. She is also so very loud in her babbling. And, I. Love. It. She loves to talk and it's pretty much non-stop these days. It's my favorite sound in the whole world!

--Her current favorite toy is a plush doll of Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) that she got for Christmas. Even today she was crying because John was holding her and she wanted me to hold her (I had to throw that in there, because she is such a daddy's girl), then John grabbed her Aurora doll to show her and she instantly had a huge grin. But, she was still crying. So, John and I were cracking up at the smiles mixed with tears

She seriously melts my heart

--Speaking of princess stuff, any time she sees anything Disney princess she starts smiling! Her favorite book at the moment is Tangled, she smiles the whole time! I'm so excited to take her to Disney again, because I think she would be a smiling fool over meeting the princesses

She loves her daddy!

--She has gotten so ridiculously sweet. She has always been a sweet baby, but lately she just seems to be getting sweeter. So many smiles, giggles, flapping her arms in excitement, and enjoys a good hug!

--She still sleeps great and I couldn't be happier about that! I don't take it for granted at. all. And, tonight, for the first time she is sleeping with no sleep sack! She fell asleep just like normal, so I am hoping she snoozes just like normal. With the weather being so much hotter outside, it was time to ditch the added warmth.

I'm beginning to notice in a lot of the pictures I chose, she's in her carseat

--She is getting more hair! I can clip a small hairbow in it while we're at the house. I don't trust going out into public with a bow clipped straight to her hair, because it falls out pretty easily, haha. But, her hair is still pretty dark and looks curly when wet!

Those are all of the highlights I can think of for now! We are loving her more and more every day. It's hard to believe there was a time when she didn't exist in our lives. But, it's also hard to believe that she's our child! So funny all of the random emotions and thoughts that parenthood bring. She is such a joy and most certainly the greatest blessing of my life!

Yeah, What She Said!

2011-05-28T18:02:00.000-04:00

Read this blog right now! Yes, click on the link and read my friend Elizabeth's blog.

I agree with everything in it and just take out the whole Texas part and the Elizabeth part and insert with Georgia and Jennifer. Got it?

Friends, please come visit the Phillips house. We are always stocked with Oreos and if that's not enough to bribe you to visit us in Hotlanta, then here's a sure way to get you to make the trip...

Lent to the Lord

2011-05-18T23:32:00.000-04:00

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord."

-1 Samuel 1:27, 28b

The above verse is one that I prayed and prayed before becoming pregnant with Ella. I prayed that if the Lord would grant my petition asking for a child, that I would do as Hannah and give my child to the Lord. Then, after finding out I was pregnant and the anxiety of the entire pregnancy, I pleaded these verses.

And, now she's here. She's strong-willed like her mother. Yet, loving like her daddy. And, y'all she is the most beautiful baby I have ever laid eyes on. Sometimes, I just stare at her and wonder how in the world a baby so pretty came to be mine. Her laugh is ridiculously contagious. As soon as she starts, I can't stop, which in turn, makes her laugh harder. I couldn't ask for a greater blessing than Ella.

But, then comes the pesky second part of that Scripture. The whole, giving her over completely to the Lord. That seemed much easier when I prayed it before she actually got here. I know all of the spiritual answers and agree with them, but that doesn't make it any less difficult.

If you want to know the truth, a little window into the last 8 months, my struggle with the Lord has not been an easy one in this area. I know what it's like to hand your baby over to the Lord and then things end in the way you never expected. I also know that doesn't hold a candle to the pain of parents that, for whatever reason, the Lord called their child home far sooner than they ever planned.

And, here I am, clinging to my baby scared that the Lord may not know what's best. What if I miss a step when going up or down the stairs with Ella and something bad happens? What if I lay her down for her nap and she doesn't wake up? What if she chokes while eating? What if I'm driving on the highway and something starts to happen in the backseat and I can't get to her in time? What if...?

Unfortunately, I can give you lots of different stories from my life where I trusted the Lord and things didn't turn out how I planned for them. And, some days I truly struggle in handing over my baby to the Lord. Does He really know best? Do I really, truly believe that God is good?

Tonight, I cried my eyes out to John and explained how sometimes I feel that I am just waiting for something to go bad with Ella. We discussed a lot of it and traced back the roots of the fears. Half of it being the loss of our sweet first baby. But, after we talked some, we decided to sneak into Ella's room to watch her sleep (one of my favorite things!).

Well, she heard us (oops!) and awoke, crying. I picked her up and held her close. She instantly fell back asleep. Then, as I was swaying her, I looked up and noticed the above verse that is painted above her crib. I instantly got teary and felt the Lord whisper, "When are you really going to lend her to me?"

Wow.

Don't get me wrong, the Lord gave mother's an instinct to protect their children. It's amazing how He crafts that within a woman that has a baby. It's okay to be careful and to protect my little one. But, there is also the point where if it's done out of fear and worry, that is in no way trusting the Lord with my baby.

I am learning what it means to hand over my baby.

Every. Single. Stinkin'. Day.

I am ridiculously, unbelievably, immeasurably, beyond blessed to be given the gift of Ella. And, I will spend the rest of my life handing her over to the Lord and praising Him for letting me care for His creation in her!

Adventures at the Zoo

2011-04-13T14:40:00.003-04:00

The zoo is one of those places that I hear about and immediately connect with children. I've only been to a zoo once before taking Ella this past weekend and it was when I was a nanny during the summertime. Therefore, I was really excited to take Little Miss to the Zoo Atlanta! She was excited, too and put on her party pants (aka, her ruffly shorts which I didn't take a picture of, because I am a terrible mother, but I digress).

We are bit of Disney snobs, so we weren't holding high expectations for the zoo after being to Animal Kingdom about 500 times. But, this zoo was so nice! It was really big and we didn't even see everything in this visit! We are definitely planning to make this a regular hot spot for the Phillips crew. We got to see lots of things, like a baby panda, a baby gorilla, elephants, tigers, giraffes, etc, etc.

We also came home with lots of funny stories. So, the first one? I'll start with this picture...

So, right before this picture was taken, I was telling John how we needed to get a picture of the three of us since my mom was with us to take it. Then, soon after I exclaimed how we need more pictures, I spot this lovely gorilla statue. The best part was that no one even cared about it. No line, no crowd, nada. Perfect.

Well, not so much. The second we get ourselves situated, which, included me trying to balance Ella on the gorilla's leg, John trying to help, me exclaiming in an irritated tone that he "doesn't understand what I'm trying to do" (aka, I thought it was the coolest idea ever to get her positioned on there and I was too tired and blazing hot/sweaty to think rationally about how I was reacting to his help when he didn't know "my plan"), 10 million people form a line to get a picture with the gorilla statue.

Immediately, some child ran up to the gorilla to touch it (you think it's the kid in the above picture? you'd be wrong). The parents quickly yelled at the child that we were "trying to take a picture", which let's face it, I'm still trying to dangle my child off of the gorilla leg and my husband is getting snapped at because he just doesn't understand my artistic expression. But, yeah, we're trying to take a picture, kid. The perfect picture (in my brain anyways).

So, that kid instantly obeys and returns to the line. Then, out of my peripheral, comes the kid you see in the above picture. Does this child get reprimanded like the previous child of literally two seconds before? Nope. His dad immediately drops down to one knee, with his khaki cargo shorts on, and starts snapping 80 pictures a second of precious little Jimmy playing with the gorilla statue. Nevermind the family of 3 in the background trying to get the perfect picture of their little girl's first trip to the zoo.

Here's my favorite picture of the day:

Don't be fooled, precious little Jimmy is still playing with the gorilla, my mom just cropped him out of the shot. His dad has already made the complete half-circle around the gorilla snapping photos of his playdate with the statue. He also made sure to get 2,400 pictures in 30 seconds while getting down on one knee, back up on his feet, back down on both knees...every angle was going to be shot. Regardless of the family of three looking for the perfect picture.

As you can see, John is angry, Ella is staring at statue (thankfully, oblivious), and I am clearly mid-sentence. But, what am I saying, you ask? Promise not to think I am as terrible as I feel? I yelled, staring straight at the mother in this scenario, but I was really "talking to John". You know how that move goes? Yeah, well, I yell, "C'mon! Let's get out of here! If these people are that rude to not wait their turn, I don't want the picture!". As soon as we walked away, we started laughing. It was like a, "wait, did all of that just happen in 3 minutes or less?" moment.

So, there it is, the Phillips' family in all of their glory. I think I am going to go pray for that family right now, to try and counteract my yells at them...

iPad 2 Contest!

2011-03-16T11:08:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! Can you do me a BIG favor?
So, John has entered into a contest to win an iPad 2. It's legit and I know he would be over the moon if he won. Can you be the most perfect blog follower in the whole wide world and spare 60 seconds of your time to vote for him? Pretty please?

Can you deny this face?

I didn't think so ;o)

Therefore, just click on over to Elexio's Facebook page and first "Like" Elexio and then find "John Phillips" post (it's a video and Elexio said they love his beard, haha) and then just "Like" John's post.

Thank you times a million!!

A Shelf and Some Clothespins

2011-03-09T13:06:00.001-05:00

I never, ever expected in my whole life that a few items on a shelf and a package of clothespins would bring me to tears. I was always the girl that never cried at the sappy movies or at anything sentimental (still am, but babies can bring a woman to a few more tearful moments than usual). But, over the last week, the Lord has brought some tender moments that I hadn't really prepared for myself.

Little Miss started solids last week and the first couple of days were horrendous. To put it lightly, Ella abhors anything new. When we first got her an infant swing, she cried and screamed and cried some more. But, within a few weeks, it was one of the only things that could get her to calm down. This process has been repeated several times with several different things. I don't know why she hates change and new things so much. I mean, I don't know anyone (named Jennifer, perhaps) that hates change. I guess it will always be a mystery. Anyways...

After day three of screams, I was ready to throw in the towel. But, guess who showed up on day four? Miss McSmiley Pants! She was giggling and eating solids like a champ! Couldn't get enough of it! I was beyond thrilled. But, at the same time, there were intermittent moments where I had to hold back tears. To start solids, we've been sititng Ella in her Bumbo on top of the dining room table rather than in her highchair (it's just easier for now). And, on the wall by our dining room table, we have two shelves. One shelf contains some trinkets and photos, while the other contains some memories of our first baby. Remember this post? We do still have the shelf up and I love it. I love that our first baby has a place in our home. I love that I can look up at on that shelf and remember that the Lord has blessed us with two children, not just one.

And, just last week, Ella discovered the shelf. We showed her once before and she stared at it for a while, but this was the first time she found it on her own. She would stare at the shelf, get one more bite of food, then stare at the shelf. This process continued until she was done eating. And, ever since that day, most times when I feed her, she looks over at the shelf. Just seeing her stare at the ultrasound picture of her older brother or sister, was one of the most amazing moments for me since we've had Ella.

Then, yesterday, I did our diaper laundry (have I mentioned we are doing cloth diapers full-time now? So far, we've loved it! Another post on that later). To save on some electricity and to help naturally bleach out the diapers, I hung up our clothesline. I have never used a clothesline before, but thought the diapers would be a good reason to start. I set up the line and knew that I had brand new clothespins somewhere. The only thing I could remember is that I bought some one time for some type of craft. I dug through all of my craft supplies and couldn't find it.

Then, to the laundry room. Nope, not there.

Then, to our junk drawer. Nada.

To the cabinet with the tools? Nope.

The garage? Not there, either!

Then, it hits me. I remember what I used them for now....

to surprise John that I was pregnant with our first baby. I used them to hang up baby clothes as a decoration.

I stopped in my tracks. Then, I thought how cool it would be to use something of the first baby's for his or her younger sister. I went upstairs to the guest room closet where the bag full of stuff from the first baby lives. I pulled it out and there it was. The ribbon I used for the decoration still had the clothespins attached and the package of unused clothespins were in the bag, too. I took the unused ones out and went to my clothesline.

As I hung up each diaper, I remembered our first child. It's amazing how a little baby that never even entered the world alive, can have marks all over my home and in my heart. I was reminded, once again, that God does not create living things without a purpose. That baby had a purpose and I feel like month by month I get another glimpse of it.

My sweet Ella has a purpose in this life, too. My job as her mom is to help her unravel it and to prepare her to fulfill what God has for her life. And, may I keep letting the shelves and the clothespins in my life remind me of the continuing work that is to be done in my sweet, second baby.

Circles

2011-03-08T10:37:00.000-05:00

So, Ella has been going in circles lately. No, really. In circles.

Ella sleeps in a "blanket sleeper" over her PJ's because it can get pretty chilly in her room. See her pacifier? Yup, John came up with the genius idea to take her WubbaNub and clip it to her using the little piece of material at the top that snaps over the zipper. Beautiful, I tell you. No more giving her the pacifier back=no more treks upstairs for me or John in the middle of sleep-times.

But, anyways, I digress...as you can see her little feet aren't exposed. They are inside of the blankety sleeper. Well, the little mastermind has figured out how to maneuver herself around anyways. Who needs exposed feet to do cool tricks? So, now she likes to scoot around to her heart's content. I woke up this morning to her in that same position trying to roll over to her tummy (then, quickly thrusting herself back because she hates her tummy, remember?). She would cry for 2 seconds for me to come get her, but then she would be quiet for 5 seconds as she scooted around her crib for fun. Goober is one of my many nicknames for her. Goober.

Tummy time these days equals even louder screaming, but lots and lots of circles. And, much quicker at rolling back over to the safety of her back. She firmly believes her tummy can't be trusted. Oh, the goober. Although, she doesn't quite understand yet that all of the circling and pumping legs are making her that much closer to crawling. I try to explain to her that she'll be that much closer to world domination. But, she figures she already has John and I wrapped tightly around her fingers, so why take on any more yet? :o) What a goober.

Maybe I should put her in the blanket sleeper, with no available feet, on her tummy and she'll learn how to crawl? Hmmm. Goober child of mine always makes me laugh.

Ella's Greatest Disobedience

2011-02-28T16:43:00.002-05:00

I knew the day would come when this would happen. I greatly feared it. I explained to Ella in the hospital that she had only one rule that she could never break.

And, the day came just a few weeks ago where she figured out how to accomplish what will always be the greatest act of disobedience in our house. I snapped a picture to show you all the grave decision Ella has been making quite frequently. With much hesitation, I will show it to you...

I know you are probably as horrified as I am that she has figured out how to pull out her hairbow. Sigh.

Does she fuss or scream or cry like her mother does when she pulls it off to land right over her eyes and keeps it there? Nope, she doesn't. My sweet, precious fussbucket baby cries at most inconveniences, but not when she's pulled her hairbow down over her eyes. Blinding her. But, at the same time, at least she doesn't cry when I put it on her, either.

I am deeply saddened to report this new development to you, but it had to be done. And, it would have been reported sooner, except that I have continually forgotten to take a picture because I usually yank it back on her head as quick as possible, to its rightful, perfect, beautiful place. On her head. Not over her eyes. Or around her neck.

House of Screams

2011-02-23T16:37:00.000-05:00

Ella has screamed a lot today. Actually, she's screamed a lot this week. I think a tooth may be on its way, a lot of signs are pointing towards it, but it's hard to tell. I think being the mom of a baby is like being a detective! Never truly knowing what's going on ;)

Today when she woke up less than halfway thru her nap, screaming and then continued to scream for the rest of the afternoon, it all finally caught up with me. Three days, in a house alone, with a screaming baby. And, girlfriend got some lungs. I put her in her swing, in front of the TV with Praise Baby playing. And, stepped away for a minute.

I got all huffy with the Lord.

Seriously, Lord?? A third day of screaming?

I don't have any help, why do you let her be so fussy for days on end??

I have given all of the love and grace I can give.

Then, I stopped being huffy and puffy. And, the tears started. I picked up Little Miss, held her close, cried and sang along to the Praise Baby DVD thanking the Lord that He has never run out of grace for me.

He HAS given all of the love He can give. Even when I am screaming in His face, over nothing, He has more love and more grace to give to me. And, I pray that despite my own fussiness, that Ella will one day be able to see the true love and grace from the Lord by my love for her.

Ella Update!!

2011-02-15T16:47:00.001-05:00

I've realized recently that I have not updated the world on the craziness that is Ella! So, here are some tidbits on our sweet Ella girl!

Ella at 4 months. John's computer has more pictures on it! I will try to update with them soon :o)

--Little Miss is a take charge, independent, and vocal thang! I wish I could say I don't have a clue where she gets it from, but, more times than not, I see myself in her (scary and cool at the same time!). She is what we like to affectionately call a screamer. I, in no way, mean that to sound like a bad thing. But, she just screams a lot, haha. The second night we were in the hospital she screamed all. night. long. Not a few whimpering cries as we heard from our neighboring babies, but full-out cried for hours on end with no ceasing. I remembered sitting there thinking I had never seen a baby like it after all of my years of babysitting and nannying, haha. Because of this, I have the feeling she is going to be a non-stop, loud talker! Once again, I have no clue where she gets that from...

--I must admit that a lot of Ella's screaming has piped down since I cut out all dairy from my diet (can you say hardest thing ever after being nauseous for 9 months??). Her eczema is gone (I wish we would have taken some pictures at it's worst, because it was pretty yucky), she doesn't scream all the way through eating now, she actually wants to eat, and overall just seems much happier. Time will tell if it's a true allergy, but for now, no dairy has worked wonders for our family!

--Ella said her first word a few weeks ago! Drumroll please...it was mama! Now, let's be clear, she says it everyday (usually while crying), but she doesn't have a clue in the world what it means. And, I am sure my incessant, "mamamamama" all up in her face had nothing to do with her learning how to say it

--She HATES tummy time. The fastest way to hear how loud she can scream (once again, I have no clue where she learned volume control...) is to put her on her tummy. It's like she screams to tell us that she knows we are sending her to her doom. So, she gets most of her tummy time right before bedtimes because we can send her straight to bed where she'll snuggle up, calm down, and fall asleep, rather than spend 30 minutes during her waketime trying to reassure her that we won't send her back on her doomful tummy.

--She's officially rolling over from tummy to back! John and I pretty much cheer like freaks when she does it. Maybe that's why she's scared of tummy time? Hmm. Also, we firmly believe she can roll from her back to tummy, but refuses to do so because why would she throw herself in the position she hates?? Seriously, she gets like a half-inch from rolling to her tummy and instantly pulls herself back. She knows, that little booger, she knows. And, if I try to help her in that mid-roll to her tummy, with all of her might, she pulls herself to the opposite direction, keeping herself firmly planted back to the ground. But, really, I have NO idea where she gets her strong-willed nature...

--She officially turned 5 months this past Friday! She's almost a half a year!

--She is slowly growing out of her 3-6 month clothing and is already in some of her 6-9 month stuff! She's a long little girl!

--Her laugh is SO contagious! Once she gets going, it's like she can't stop. Her whole face squishes up and she laughs to the point where then it gets hard for her to breathe, haha. We took her to see Tangled and she loved at all of the funny parts!! John and I were just cracking up, because she even laughed at the funny parts before the crowd started in. Any time there was physical comedy (when the guy gets hit on the head, etc) she was cracking up! I don't know that John and I have ever been more proud of our daughter than when we realized she understands humor :o)

--She loves her some Mickey and Minnie Mouse! If she's screaming past the point of any solace, we turn on the TV to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and she is g-l-u-e-d. As soon as Mickey invites her to his clubhouse, she's trying to dry up the tears.

--Anything she can get her hands on, goes in her mouth. There's two spots in her mouth where I have thought for sure that a tooth would come bustin' out soon. But, nothing so far! But, she loves to chew on any of her toys, her hand, my hand, her pacifier, and even her clothes if she can grab a piece of it, haha.

--I am falling more in love with her every day. One thing I didn't realize as being a new parent is that sometimes it takes a little while for the bond to mature, and that's okay. Don't get me wrong, I loved her from the beginning, but now that she's blossoming into her very own self and not just a screaming bump on a log (I mean, seriously, newborns have always been kinda bump on the log-ish to me), I am loving her beyond what I thought I could. Every day that love for her grows a little more. I just wish I could hold her and squeeze her all the time! I didn't want to put her down for her morning nap today because she was just so yummy (John doesn't understand that term, but whatever). Under all of that strong-willed personality, she is just the sweetest little baby that loves to giggle, smile, and hold on tight for a good hug. We are so glad the Lord gave us her, even on the tough days!!

I think those are enough Ella tidbits for now! I need to do better at keeping up with some of her shenanigan's on here, so I can remember them!

2010 in Review by Pictures!

2010-12-31T15:26:00.000-05:00

I was looking through a lot of old pictures yesterday and then I thought I would look through all of the pictures from 2010! So, here are a few pictures from each month highlighting the craziness that was 2010 :o)

January

We rang in the New Year at Epcot!! This was the first time I started to suspect that I might be pregnant, but I didn't say anything yet. That's probably why I only made it to like 11:30pm before we left, haha! Took a pregnancy test on January 2nd and sure enough, there was a baby on the way! We were so peaceful and thankful that the Lord provided a baby :o)

I saw this picture and cracked up! Sooo, it got really cold in Orlando in January and all of the news stations were saying there might be flurries. I made John get up around 5am while we waited for the flurries to appear. This was all we have to show for it...the top of our car with a little bit of ice, haha

February

John's first ever, homemade chicken pot pie! This whole month (and most of the one before) can be described in one word: vomit. That's right, vomit. I puked like I never knew possible. Therefore, John had to fend for himself when it came to dinner :o) And, out of nowhere (for the first time in forever) I actually felt hungry and only wanted homemade chicken pot pie. And, if I moved from the couch, I would inevitably puke. So, John made it! He learned to make lots of dinners those 9 months and did great!

John's first trip to Sea World! A friend of ours, Katie Headley, was nice enough to give us free tickets to Sea World! This day was last day to use them. We waited until the very last day hoping that I would feel well enough to go! But, no one knew that yet :o) While we had to take lots of breaks and I almost puked on the sidewalk, I was actually momentarily feeling better that day. So, it was such a fun day and we loved getting to explore a new park!

March

My very first time to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta! For years I had heard about how awesome this aquarium is and I had been dying to go. I must say, the hype is true, I loved it! Once again, I was pretty sick the whole time we were there (including a "oh my word, we have to leave right now" drive away, then have to pull over the car so I can puke in the bushes, haha!). But, despite the pukiness, we had lots of fun!

We announced we were pregnant! We were so grateful to have so many friends and family that were excited with us! It was such an awesome thing to announce our baby was on the way and we were so grateful for all of the prayers. I look back over the pregnancy with Ella and am amazed at how we had friends pray for every single doctor's appointment. There were so many encouraging texts, phone calls, emails, and so much more.The Lord used so many people to calm my spirit and bring a peace that surpasses all understanding!

Ampd Kids! This was John's last event (other than a Sunday morning or Wednesday night) with the student ministry of First Orlando. I wasn't there because I was puking my guts out, BUT, I am so proud to say we were a part of this constant outreach! It was hard to know we were getting ready to leave Orlando when such great things like this were going on. But, God most definitely had a plan for us!

April

Before moving from Orlando, we tried to go to all of the Disney theme parks as much as we could! This was us on the way, for the last time as Orlando residents, to the Magic Kingdom via the ferry. We decided that each park we went to, we were going to things we had never done before and John had never taken the ferry instead of the monorail. So, we went for it! When we got there, we rode the train around the park, which I had never done before :o)

The biggest event of April was that we moved! Here is our home in Peachtree City, Georgia! I was about 19 weeks pregnant when we moved and starting to feel a little better. I never stopped being sick the whole pregnancy, but right about here I started to have better days! And, it was a good thing, because there were a lot of boxes to unpack!

May

Ikea! the beginning of this month was a lot of running around and trying to get our house in order before it was time to get stuff ready for the baby! I had to take frequent breaks because of my ol' pukey self. I think this picture is a pretty accurate portrayal of how I felt most days, haha!

Cinco De Mayo! We hosted a party at our house for all of the tech and media volunteers at Dogwood so we could meet them all! It was lots of fun (despite me taking a break in the comfy chair, looking like I'm about to puke).

John's parents came to visit us at the end of May! And, of course, we had to go to the Varsity. We may or may not have gone twice...haha!

June

Baby shower in Orlando!! We had so much fun and so many great memories from this trip! (despite the fact that the night before I puked all over our friend, Chad's bathroom, sorry again about that!) At this shower, everyone voted whether they thought we were having a boy or a girl. All of the results were boy, but folks, we're lookin' at lots of pink in the Phillips' house these days!!

Me and John at Vacation Bible School on crazy hat day! My big ol' pregnant behind helped out at VBS with some of the cutest kiddo's around! Little did I know, that somewhere along the way I would sprain one of my ribs. Can you say OUCH??

And, now, a baby shower in Texas! Remember that sprained rib I was talking about? Yeah, that pretty much sums up my demeanor at this shower! Haha. I was so sad that I didn't get to scoot around as much as I would have liked to visit with people we don't get to see often enough. I was actually just telling John the other day that I had never experienced any kind of back pain before like I did then! But, regardless of that, we had such a great time and loved celebrating the peanut with Texas family and friends!

July

John and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary!! It was SO much fun! This picture was from our lunch at Red Lobster :o) Then, we had steaks at home and ate the topper to our wedding cake! We had such a good time reflecting on all of the highs and lows of our first year together. I always love looking back on memories and it was so awesome to reflect on such a great first year of marriage!

The first time letting our bunny rabbit run around our new home! She had lots of fun exploring the new digs

August

My 25th birthday and 34 weeks pregnant! We went to Outback for dinner and had a great evening together! John did so many things this year to make my birthday feel extra special. I sure did marry a thoughtful man!

Baby shower in Georgia! It was so nice to have a baby shower in our new home of Peachtree City. Many ladies were so kind to welcome me and the baby! The shower was at such a perfect time, too. It was about a month before Ella was born and there were a lot of essentials that we still needed that we received!

Our sweet bunny had surgery!! I was full term, had a cold, then our bunny got sick. I was up all night, while she sat on my big belly (and Ella kept trying to kick her off, haha!) and I spoon fed her water. The next morning we took her to the vet and found out she needed surgery. Saying that I was an emotional wreck is an understatement. My sweet bunny had such a good friend to me! So, she had surgery and recovered well! You wouldn't even know anything used to be wrong now! And, the funniest part of the whole thing? I was given paperwork that my bunny was a BOY and after surgery, the vet told us that we in fact had a GIRL bunny rabbit. Haha, so after 2.5 years of saying "he", I think we've finally gotten used to saying "she". Poor bunny...

September

Oh, nothing big from September happened at all...we just met our little GIRL for the first time!! After so much waiting, it was hard to believe that Ella was actually here! And, we found out the gender for the first time that day :o) Which, as hard as the curiousity was sometimes, we were so glad we waited after the awesome experience of the surprise! So many wonderful memories of that day. And, one of them being how little Ella was crying and crying, but when her daddy walked over to see her, she stopped crying! Sweet little girl heard her daddy's voice and all was well with the world. She held his finger and was so much better with her daddy nearby!

First family picture in the hospital! Here are the three Phillips'!

October

Ella's first trip to the pumpkin patch!

Ella's very first Halloween! She was dressed up like the angel that she is :o)

My favorite family picture of us! The Fall Festival wore out little Miss, so we ditched the wings, put on the hairbow and let her sleep some!

November

John's 27th birthday! We got to go on lots of dates that week, thanks to Nana!

Family picture with Cinderella's Castle at Disney World! Ella's first trip to Disney World was SO much fun! It includes some of our most favorite memories since she's been born :o)

Ella's very first Thanksgiving! Yay!

December

Ella's first time meeting Santa! The coolest part about this day was the fact that it was snowing for the first time of the season!

Ella's very first Christmas! I can't even tell you how perfect it was to have a precious little girl complete with a beautiful smocked dress and big ol' hairbow this Christmas! She was even more scrumptious than usual on Christmas :o)

It snowed on Christmas day! Ella likes being outside, even if it is freezing!

There's our 2010 in pictures!! More than anything we are so grateful for our big gift of Ella this year. The Lord has taught us so much through the pregnancy and now the life we share with her everyday. We're excited to see what else God has in store for us in the future!

Ella's First Trip to Disney!!

2010-12-02T17:44:00.001-05:00

Family Picture in front of Cinderella's Castle at Disney!

Anyone that knows John and I can you tell you how much we love Disney World! Pretty much the whole beginning of our marriage was spent at Disney, haha. We had annual passes and looked at it as a whole bunch of prepaid dates for us. A lot of times we would eat lunch or dinner at home, then get in the car and head to one of the parks for some already-paid-for fun! Also, it kind of became a safe haven for us after the miscarriage. I mean, it's tough to be sad at Disney World! And, there was most definitely a stretch of time when we didn't really want to be around many people we knew (well-meaning, but you can only take the "I'm so sorry" looks so many times) and Disney is always packed full of a bunch of people you don't know!

On our Thanksgiving trip to Orlando, we knew from the beginning that we would just have to stop off at Disney. We were both really excited and couldn't wait to take our sweet baby there! Well, for anyone that's been to the Magic Kingdom before, you know all about the precious little girls that dress up like their favorite princess (or even get a princess makeover at the park!) and spend the day at Disney walking around all cutesy as can be. I have always told John how if we ever have a little girl, she will most definitely dress up like a princess whenever we go to Disney...and folks, that wish came true! And, the most beautiful part of the whole thing is I thought I would have to wait for Ella to turn 2 years old or so before she'd be big enough to fit in a princess costume. We had never, I mean never, seen a baby dressed up in a princess costume on a regular day at Disney before.

I was searching for a newborn costume for Ella's Halloween get-up one day and lo and behold, there it was....an infant princess costume! I could hardly believe it and went searching for more. And, guess what? It's the only one I could find anywhere! I present to you, the cutest, most adorable baby Snow White...

We had so much fun that day! I really don't believe that there are words to describe all of the most amazing memories we made that day. It may seem silly, but soon after we entered the park I got a little teary eyed. There was something redemptive to me about taking my most beautiful baby to the place that her daddy and mommy escaped many a days to try to get through losing their first baby. And, there we were with the most perfect baby that we get to hold! And, there she was, as beautiful as can be with people constantly stopping to comment on her cuteness factor. People were asking to take pictures with her, workers were going around to get other employees to show them Ella, and on and on. Our whole day people did not stop coming up to us or commenting on our little princess. We were not expecting a reaction like that at all! There were a few moments we really thought we were VIP's or something! Haha! I kept joking with John that we needed to set out a tip jar! Ella did so amazing all day. She barely fussed all day and even got to sneak in a nap here and there. We really couldn't have asked for a better baby to take to Disney (even when it felt like a million degrees out!).

But, one of the most fun parts of the whole entire day was this... the money shot...

Our baby Snow White with the real princess Snow White! I don't ever believe I've waited to meet a character before at any of the parks, but we were so glad to get this picture. I have the feeling this will be the first of many times waiting to get a picture of Ella with a character :o)

And, little Miss went on her very first ride! Since the Phillips family knows how to stick with a theme, can you guess what it was?

That's right! Snow White's Scary Adventures! Have I mentioned that while I am not really a big Snow White fan (although, I'm a little partial now because of our sweet baby Snow White), I became a big fan of this ride before we moved from Orlando? It might be my favorite in the whole FantasyLand area and Ella loved it! Here she is waiting in line soon before getting on the ride...

Right before we left the park in the evening, we changed little Miss Snow White out of her costume. We think she looks awfully cute with or without a costume!

Well, I think I will leave it here for now! Just wanted all of you to have a little glimpse into our super fun day at the Magic Kingdom! I can hardly wait for the trips in the future where Ella can enjoy the parks even more...dressed as a princess, of course ;o)

Christmas Decorations

2010-11-29T14:45:00.001-05:00

Ella's Pink Christmas Tree in Her Room!

Our Christmas Tree This Year!

John and I set up all of our Christmas decorations the Saturday before Thanksgiving! For all you folks out there that don't believe in decorating early, then, you are more than welcome to unpack all of the bags from our Thanksgiving trip, do our laundry, and take care of Ella while finding the time to decorate for Christmas post-vacation next year :o)

We spent the day pulling out of all of the Christmas boxes to see the tons of cute stuff we got on super clearance last year. So fun! There were several things we had forgotten about since we bought it after Christmas last year and it got shoved straight to storage. We listened to some good ol' Christmas music and had lots of fun! We also watched the classic "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and Ella sat in her bouncy seat mesmerized by the Grinch on the television! She has also just loved staring at the Christmas tree in the living room and her super cute pink tree in her room. She absolutely loves lights, so you can just imagine how much she is diggin' all of the Christmas lights!

It was such a fun day and I love having our house set up as a little winter wonderland! We couldn't help but think about how last year's Christmas was not an easy one. I pulled out our little Charlie Brown Christmas tree from last year and thought about how far God has brought us. And, little did I know at last year's Christmas that I was pregnant with our second baby but too early to know it! This Christmas is all wrapped up in pink with hairbows and we couldn't feel more blessed! So let the Christmas season begin!

Ella Gisela Phillips

2010-11-17T12:22:00.000-05:00

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him. Therefore I have lent her to the Lord. As long as she lives, she is lent to the Lord." -1 Samuel 1:27, 28a

Ella Gisela Phillips born on September 11, 2010
at 11:13pm
Weighing 7lbs 7oz and 20 inches long!

Moments after she was born!

Getting all checked out!

Daddy and his little girl in the hospital

First family picture of the THREE of us!

My little burrito baby!

Our second day home!

Ella dressed up as an angel at her first Fall Festival!

Sweet, sleeping baby

So, my child has been born over 2 months ago and I have yet to write a blog. BUT, we can go ahead and chalk that up to just having a child 2 months ago, hehe.

There is a little girl sleeping quietly in her crib upstairs while I type this blog. To her parents, she is absolutely perfect and is completely surrounded in all things pink. There is a precious baby girl snoozing away and has no idea how much her parents petitioned the Lord in prayer for her. She's sleeping all cozy and tucked in her swaddle, while her mommy fights back tears in writing a blog to declare God's goodness and faithfulness in the blessing that is her.

We have so loved getting to know this little girl and how easily she can confuse John and I, haha. We do have a bit of a crier on our hands, which just shows me that she is probably going to be a non-stop talker when she reaches that stage of life! Her poor daddy, two non-stop talking females under the same roof.

Speaking of her daddy, she has really does have the best one in the whole world. Since she was born, she has just loved to be held by her daddy. Can I just say it has been the most amazing thing in the world to watch?? I am completely in love with the fact that my daughter has a daddy as amazing as John. She really hit the jackpot. He has been so great in taking care of her and me. And, he is so smitten with her, that I have the feeling she will always have him wrapped around her little finger! A friend once told me that not every man is good at naturally being a daddy to a little girl, but that John is such a good daddy to a little girl. And, I completely agree :o)

We are so thankful for this baby! The last year was a season in life of uncertainty as to whether we would ever get to hold a baby. And, we are very grateful to the Lord that He has given us a precious baby in heaven and a beautiful baby girl to hold this side of heaven. The verse at the top of this post was one I prayed and prayed before getting pregnant with Ella and all through the pregnancy. It is now hanging over her crib as reminder to us that she is forever lent to the Lord and that He answered our cries for a healthy, beautiful baby.

I do plan to actually keep up with the blog now! So, look for more tidbits about our precious baby in the coming days and weeks!!

Wait, Wait, and Wait A Little More!

2010-09-07T12:21:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am, officially in the mere days countdown of the due date. No more weeks left, just days. It was so weird to look at my little countdown today and only see 6 days. Whoa. Back in January-April, I thought September would never get here. Of course, those days were a huge blur anyways with all of the crazy, crazy amounts of sickness. While the morning sickness never fully went away, those four months were the most brutal for sure. And. believe me, September felt like an eternity away. But, here we are!

Other than dealing with false labor, and just the sheer inability to know when D-day is gonna hit, I am doing pretty good. Sure, I have any physical complaints that a pregnant woman of this stage in the game would have, but nothing extraordinary. I feel a bit like a ticking time bomb...with a broken ticker, hehe.

But, I have been meaning to share something I read in a guided journal I've been keeping for the little one. There are several different sections that correspond to the different stages of pregnancy and through the first year or two of life for baby. At the beginning of each section, it shares a Bible verse or two and then gives a little food for thought.

The current section I just finished writing in is the Waiting section. Then, it talks about the very first woman that had to sit around wait...Eve. And, it got me thinking to ideas that had never crossed my mind before. She was the first woman ever to be pregnant. She had just been told how painful and terrible childbirth would be. She didn't have the medical information we have now. She didn't know, "You won't be pregnant forever" or she didn't know how to naturally or synthetically induce her labor.

Could you imagine the thoughts that ran through her head?? When there were little baby feet kicking her tummy, did she wonder if the baby really was going to bust right through her abdomen? Was that the pain God was talking about? How about the heartburn? Did she wonder what in the world was going on that each time she had a bite of food her throat felt like lava? And, she didn't have a due date. She just kept getting bigger and bigger and more and more uncomfortable with no foreseeable end in sight. I mean, talk about miserable! Oh, to read her mind during that waiting time. And, I don't even wanna know what she thought when labor and delivery actually hit! Ouch!

So, whenever I start to think, "Am I ever gonna get to hold this baby??", I just remember Eve's story. And, I am ever so grateful for modern medicine and the ability to know what is actually going on in this body of mine!

Okay, that's enough on the spiritual stuff...COME OUT ALREADY, BABY!! :o)

My Baby...Bunny

2010-08-25T15:02:00.001-04:00

John with Mega bunny this past Saturday. When the rabbit is super happy, his little ears lay flat as can be!

Megatron the rabbit on the very first day I got him!

For anyone that follows John and I on Twitter or Facebook, you are pretty accustomed to seeing us post pictures of our crazy rabbit. Well, I think it's high time you officially meet Megatron the rabbit. Yes, his name is Megatron. Yes, we call him Mega, Mega Bunny, Baby Bunny, or just Rabbit for short. I adopted him before John and I ever started dating. And, while it took John a good little bit at first to welcome this little furry creature in, he has since loved the bunny just as much as me! I mean, it doesn't take long until this little guy makes you think rabbits are cool.

I first adopted Mega in March of 2008, when he was 3 months old. I had just moved into my own apartment all by myself that January and really wanted some company. I always thought it would be fun to have a rabbit, so off I went to find a rabbit. No lie, totally fell in love with Mega. Don't tell him, but in person, he's like the fattest rabbit I've ever seen and that just sounded so cuddly to me! So, I got everything I needed to take care of the little guy and went to the pet store before they opened on the first day I was allowed to get him (around Easter time they wouldn't sell the rabbits for a while because of too many people having buyer's regret). So, there I was, like a freak, waiting in the parking lot to be the first one in the store in case some small child in pigtails wanted the same rabbit. I was prepared to push any small children over, because that was my rabbit. Creeper? Yeah, I know. Whatever.

Since then, as silly as it sounds, little Megatron has been quite the buddy to me. My life was quite the interesting tailspin when I first moved into that apartment and he was my little buddy that kept me company when everything was so crazy. The day we lost our first baby, I came home from surgery, took a nap and when I woke up, John was still sleeping. So, I went over, and just kept petting little Mega. He just laid down and was so sweet, it was like he knew I needed a little buddy again. Now, having just moved and still adjusting to being outside of my hometown and trying to meet new people, my little bunny has kept me so much company during the day when John is at work. It may sound totally crazy and maybe I am, but this precious little rabbit has been a good friend the last 2.5 years!

After John and I got married, I joked that he was now Mega's dad. John went from constantly making jokes of wanting to make some "rabbit stew" to looking at crib bedding for this baby in my belly that had bunny rabbits on it. Including pointing out a little girl outfit that we just had to get in case we have a girl, because it says "Some Bunny Loves Me". That's right, I'm selling John out :o)

But, all of that to say, our precious little Megatron has become a part of the Phillips family. Honestly, I never really thought I would ever be so attached to any animal, especially a rabbit. But, he's a pretty cool rabbit, hehe.

The other day, Mega was obviously not feeling well. He wasn't eating or drinking, along with other symptoms I'll spare you, and I was up most of the night giving him water with a medicine dropper, getting him to eat as much as I could, and researching the internet like crazy to try and figure out the problem. We took him to the vet first thing the next day and found out he has a stone in his bladder and a bladder infection because of it. We've got him on antibiotics now for the infection and he must have surgery for the stone. The stone is the largest the vet has ever seen in a rabbit. Without the surgery, Mega will be in a lot of pain until he eventually passes away. The surgery is not exactly the cheapest thing in the world, but John and I both just couldn't let a possibility to fix everything go right on by.

Therefore, our sweet bunny is having surgery on Friday morning. We have been doing everything in our power to get Mega stronger. And, guess what? He's doing better! The infection seems to be clearing which has been making him more himself. Today, he was strong enough to refuse to let me squirt the meds in his mouth, haha. Preparing me for this baby in my belly, I suppose?! The vet wants us to continue to give him the antibiotics through tonight and tomorrow so that baby bunny can be as strong as possible for surgery.

Would you mind praying for our little bunny? I know it might sound silly, but I have been a crying trainwreck since he got sick. I really want my little buddy to be okay. Please pray that he makes it through the surgery nice and strong. And, that the vet can remove and repair everything that needs to be done to make Mega good as new. Also, pray that I will able to help the bunny recover well after his operation. We want everything to go as smoothly and healthily as possible! Best case scenario would be that this little bunny can be all healed up for when I bring this baby in my belly home! Just please pray the surgery goes well, I don't think I could be more nervous about it. Y'all are awesome for reading everything about this bunny and for praying! Love y'all so much!

25th Birthday, Georgia Baby Shower and Baby Update!

2010-08-10T16:25:00.000-04:00

John and I before heading out to my birthday dinner! 34 weeks pregnant here!

Okay, since I posted last, I am officially 25 years old and I'm 35 weeks pregnant! So, my birthday last year, I had been married for 2 weeks and little did I know, I was a week away from being pregnant with my first baby! It's so hard to believe that I have now had TWO birthdays as a married woman. And, John did an extraordinary job this year at making me feel special on my birthday. He came home from work at lunch time and we went out to lunch (at McDonald's...I know, I know, don't talk to me, tell this baby that a double cheeseburger meal is ridiculous. Droooool). Then, thanks to some birthday money and a coupon I found for a free bloomin' onion, we enjoyed some Outback Steakhouse! We had a great time hanging out! Plus, John got me flowers and a yummy peanut butter chocolate pie. Good man, good man.

Two sweet ladies here in Georgia threw me a baby shower! It was so sweet of them and of so many ladies to bless us with gifts! It was a women's only shindig with church staff ladies, church staff wives, tech team volunteers, and tech team volunteers wives. It was so fun to have a more traditional shower and I loved being able to open so many great gifts! We played baby bingo and everyone had a necklace on where they would lose it if they were caught crossing their legs. I lost my necklace pretty fast! Everyone was so sweet to buy us such awesome gifts, especially since we haven't even been in Georgia very long! After this shower, we are officially set and ready for this baby to get here! I actually crossed off the last item on my essentials list this past Friday. Now, we just need a precious little baby to welcome :o) Thank you to Holli and Becky for throwing such a beautiful, fun shower! And, thank you to all of the ladies for such awesome gifts!! Here are a few pictures from the shower:

The gifts!! We got so many seriously awesome gifts!

Opening gifts!

I look a little confused here, haha. But, I think this was when everyone was enjoying the yummy food!

This past Friday, we had our 34 week appointment. Everything is looking great and it seems like baby is starting to measure more on the average track! At the 32 week appointment I was measuring 34cm and this one I was measuring 35cm. So, for now, there's no need for another ultrasound. As much as I would LOVE to see the baby again, I'm afraid to see, um, private parts on the screen! Haha! It's a pretty irrational fear because the tech at our office is really good about not exposing what we don't want to see, but I am just afraid somehow the gender would slip! And, it would stink to make it this far and have the surprise ruined. We will know whether there is a lot of pink or blue in our future, in just a few short weeks! This has been such a fun surprise and waiting game! Next appointment is in 2 weeks (Aug. 20th) and after that we will be at the doc's every week until we have our precious baby! Oh, and on the contraction front, I only had 2 rather intense contractions about a week ago. The doctor said at this appointment I am out of the woods as far as he's concerned for pre term labor, so whatever happens happens at this point!

For those out there that want to know how to pray for us and baby, here are some things we'd love for you to lift up if you want to! Most importantly, we are praying for our baby to develop safely and healthily. And, for our baby to arrive safe and sound on delivery day for us to hold and take care of for the rest of our lives! Also, we are praying for baby to stay head down and for an uncomplicated labor and delivery. We have also been praying that I could labor and deliver drug-free, with no need for a c-section. And, that the labor and delivery would go quickly! If you wanna, feel free to pray with us! We can hardly believe that the time is almost here!! So excited for that day!

Kroger Gift Card Giveaway!

2010-08-10T14:31:00.002-04:00

Check out http://tinyurl.com/23pwts3 for a chance to enter in a giveaway to win a Kroger gift card!

Never A Dull Moment!

2010-07-28T18:12:00.000-04:00

So, last night, it was bedtime and per my usual routine I turned the thermostat down from the 78 I keep it on during the day to the 73 I put it on at night so I don't sweat the night away in my current hormonal state. John and I went to our bedroom for some good ol' pillow talk, then our usual prayer time. The room was getting nice and cooler, so I got all comfy under my blankets. We turned on the TV and then I started to feel warmer. Assuming it was my hormones (ahem, my scapegoat for everything the last year of my life), I asked John if he could turn down the air one more degree.

He goes to turn it down and informs me the thermostat says 75. Which, is pretty crazy because I set it to 73 almost 3 hours earlier and it usually cools down pretty fast. Still not thinking much of it, I just try to get comfy and fall asleep.

Then, as each hour passes through night, I awaken feeling warmer and warmer each time. And, noticing that the air is constantly blowing and never shuts off. Hmmm...

The morning comes, I shake John awake and declare that I think our A/C is broken because I am sweating like a mad woman. He checks the thermostat. It is currently 78 degrees in the house while it is only 75 degrees outside.

We go to Home Depot thinking maybe we just need to change the filter. I have a contraction in Home Depot where I wasn't able to talk. Oh dear. But, luckily it was only one.

Change the filter.

Wait 30 minutes.

It is now 80 degrees in the house.

Several phone calls later to the landlord, warranty companies, and A/C repair company, we realize the A/C unit outside has officially stopped running. It apparently hates pregnant women that are 33 weeks pregnant that are supposed to be on a simplified, modified bedrest for one more week.

As I laugh about how ridiculous everything is, the house went up two more degrees in temperature. We officially dubbed today "bring your hugely pregnant wife to work" day. Today I have lounged on John's couch in his office hoping that all of today's activities don't cause this baby to exit my nether regions before hitting the 34 week mark.

I have been laughing at just how crazy all of this pregnancy has been. This child's scrapbook will be written out in detail so the second this child thinks he or she is cooler than me or doesn't love me anymore, I am shoving the book in their face. Complete with the details of my puke escapades and of the A/C breaking causing me to sweat like a construction worker in my own bed while I am supposed to be focusing on not stressing my body so the child stays locked in for at least one more week.

I guess it wasn't a random happenstance that yesterday one of the verses I prayed over me was Proverbs 31:25 "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come". Because, my actual clothing was smelling of sweat and no person in their right mind would have laughed at the fact that their A/C was broken in the dead heat of summer. So, praise Jesus that He prepared me for today as much as possible!

Tonight we are staying with a gracious family that has opened up their home so we don't have to sweat to death. And, another family had also opened their home. We are so thankful!

And, tomorrow, God is sending an angel to our little home in Peachtree City, GA...

the blessed A/C repairman shall be knocking on the door between 9a-1p. I would bake him homemade treasures to show my gratitude. But, that requires too much heat. Therefore, I will repeatedly thank him for his supernatural ability to fix the one thing every woman with a child in their uterus should be given, a working A/C unit.

Baby Time Getting Closer, Maybe Too Close?

2010-07-24T17:19:00.000-04:00

We had our 32 week appointment just the other day with one of the partners in the office. Next appointment I return back to my regular doctor for the duration of Operation: Baby. I really do love this office and so far they have been great. Every appointment the doctors have taken their time with us and I always just feel like I am hanging out with a good friend. A good friend that I have total confidence in for taking care of me and my baby.

For those that are keeping track of the unfolding story concerning this baby growing like a mad child, I measured 3 weeks ahead again. Every single time I have measured 2 or 3 weeks ahead. They've told me that +2 is completely within the normal range but the +3 is what makes them want to take another little sneak peek at the child either next appointment or the appointment after. It seems like all of the doc's are guessing an 8-pound baby. Not that I've ever pushed a full term baby out of my Nether regions, but 8 pounds seems doable to me. I try to explain to the baby that 7 pounds is a good number, but for some reason, I don't think the baby understands a word I am saying...

Well, this past week, the Braxton Hicks contractions decided they wanted to begin revving up. Which, hey, I am all about because it's comforting to know that my body is getting ready for the process. But, on Monday night, I had 7 contractions in an hour. For those pregnancy illiterate (like myself before I had a child in my uterus), 4 or more contractions in an hour can be a sign of preterm labor. I did all of the special little things that are supposed to make them stop if it's just Braxton Hicks and none of it worked. Well, I finally decided if I had one more, I was going to call the doctor and bam, they stopped. I had one more about 45 minutes later, but that was it. The rest of this week I have had Braxton Hicks on and off, but nothing consistent again. I've also been having some pressure (sometimes feels like a lot, sometimes it's not as noticeable) and feeling crampy (sometimes a lot, sometimes not).

At my appointment, the doctor just emphasized lots of rest and water. And, more than once she said, "I just want you to get 34 weeks, after then, you can let your body do whatever you want". SO, that's where we are now. The last few days have been me laying on the couch or bed and telling the baby to not arrive until my birthday (the day I turn 34 weeks, August 2nd) or later. John cleaned the whole house and did the dishes and finished the laundry and mowed the lawn and made dinner and so forth the last few days. (Awesome man, hasn't complained once!) It is so against my entire personality to sit around and not be able to do my normal activities. But, I think I can handle taking it easy the next week and 2 days. It's already been amazing how much extra rest really has calmed the contractions and pressure.

Part of me wants to laugh in thinking that we're trying to do whatever little things we can to ensure the baby stays in and that when it comes the appropriate time for the baby to come out, the kiddo probably won't budge. I sure hope that's not the case, but I am learning how unpredictable all of this pregnancy stuff can be. But, the baby is currently head down, which is exciting to know that one more piece to the puzzle is falling in place!

So, there ya have it! Looks like we'll have a baby in 7 weeks or less from now! :o)

One Year Anniversary!

2010-07-18T07:52:00.000-04:00

Has it already been one whole year since we got hitched? We made it through our first year with none of that yucky "your first year is going to be terrible" stuff! It feels like our wedding was just yesterday. I can still picture everything about that day so vividly. I can honestly say it was the absolute best day of my entire life. I don't think I could have been more excited to marry the man God provided for me. John, I thought I loved you that day...

...but, I look at now, and think that today there is no way I could ever love you more.

Our first year of marriage has held more than I ever could have imagined! We've changed states, jobs, baby doctors (3 times, mind you!), and God has given us two babies in our short year together. It has been such a crazy ride! I mean, have I seriously had morning sickness the majority of our marriage?! Good grief! As many twists and turns that have been thrown at us in a year, I can honestly say I've always felt calm knowing that you were the man I was standing next to.

You have loved me above and beyond anything that I have experienced before, apart from the Lord. I really never knew that someone would love me, protect me, and provide for me the way that you have. God far exceeded in answering my prayers for you starting so many years ago. Even this whole week, leading up to this weekend knowing it would be our anniversary, I just couldn't help but spend half of my prayer time in my devotion time, just thanking the Lord over and over again for you. I highly doubt I ever say it enough, but I am so unbelievably grateful to be your wife. I am so glad to be given the chance to support you, pray for you, and respect you as my husband.

And, one of the things I have loved the most about you this last year, is that you loved the baby we lost just as much as I did. You have never once made me feel dumb in some of things we did to recognize our baby's life. I cannot begin to tell you how much it has meant to me that you would help pick up the broken pieces of my heart while your own was breaking. Both of our babies are beyond blessed to have a daddy that loves them the way you do. I will always be in awe of how you walked me through the darkest time of our life when we lost that precious baby.

Praying Ephesians 5:22-33 over our marriage every day, I can absolutely see in you how you love me like Christ loves the church. And, I can only pray that I can respect you to the magnitude that you love me. There is not any other person in the whole universe I would rather display the profound mystery of Christ with than you. I just pray we do it well.

I love you so much, husband! You are my most favorite person in the world and thank you for marrying me! I can't wait to look back on this day and think "oh, how I thought I loved you then, but now..."

Baby Update!!

2010-07-08T14:11:00.000-04:00

We had the 30 week (oh my goodness gracious, 30 weeks?!?) appointment this morning. And, let me just say, this baby cracks me up every single day. I am convinced this child is the biggest wiggleworm in the whole world. The baby doesn't care to slow down for the doctor either.

Today we saw one of the partners in the office and as she first put the little doppler on my belly, the baby was all over the place. My stomach constantly rolls in waves and even the doctor today jumped back with a big "whoa! Oh my goodness!"And, as she looked for the heartbeat, the kiddo kept rockin and rollin. I like to imagine a little Bart Simpson attitude in there thinkin', "Ha, try to find me now!" With how much this baby was all over she jokingly said, "Are you sure there's not more than one in there?" To which I responded that John always points to one side of my belly and says "Baby Number 1" and then points to the other side "Baby Number 2". But, that would be one sneaky baby number 2 finding a place to hide through TWO ultrasounds. That just shows you how funny/out of control this baby moves all the time! It took her a while to find the actual heartbeat because of the wiggling (last appt, my regular doctor didn't even bother to find the actual heartbeat and said the pulse which we could hear was just fine due to the wiggling!). But, there was the heartbeat, all over the place but around 145.

And, the belly is still measuring 2 weeks ahead! So, all of those haters out there saying I need to eat more, my belly is actually bigger than it should be! Therefore, the doctor wants another ultrasound at 34 weeks to check the growth. We're hoping it means baby comes a little earlier than September 13th rather than a massive baby right on time :o) But, the doctor seems on top of it all. So, I'm not worried about it at all. Instead, I'm super excited because we are ending up with an ultrasound the week of my birthday! So, we get to see the peanut one more time before it's birthday!

As far as pregnancy woes are concerned, it appears that the nausea has been kicking in worse and worse lately. Blah. I woke up in the middle of the night last night as sick as could be. I remember just freaking out thinking that the hyperemesis was back. But, luckily things haven't been that bad. Although, instead of gaining weight this appointment, I actually lost 2.5 pounds. We can go ahead and attribute that to nothing ever sounding yummy to eat. It all makes me nauseous. But, the doctor doesn't seem concerned at all, so I'm not. I am looking forward to the day when I love to eat again!! Man, I miss enjoying food! :o)

That's it for today! But, a special congratulations goes out to John's sister! She just delivered their fourth baby on July 5th. His name is Rivers Joseph and he looks super handsome in the pictures we've been able to see! We won't be able to meet him until Christmas :o( but we're glad he arrived safely into his new family! Welcome, Rivers!

Money and Debt and Things

2010-07-01T16:09:00.001-04:00

Before John and I even got engaged, one of the topics we discussed was debt. John had very little debt, while I on the other hand did not have little debt. I remember crying the night I told him about the debt I was in, thinking he wouldn't want to get involved any further in our relationship. I look back at that now and laugh a little. At the time, John was super supportive and also believed I must have been a million dollars in debt by the way I was acting. When I actually told him the total and the things it was on, his response was, "Seriously? That's it? I was expecting way worse than that!" To which I sniffled and thought he must not have heard me correctly, haha.

I really did marry a great man. A guy that has listened to me complain several times over about how "I was forced into some of those situations, yet at the same time, I hold myself completely responsible," and on and on and on. Growing up and not until shortly before I started dating John, I didn't realize that being debt-free was an option. I mean, if you needed a car, you went to a car place, picked an average car, signed some papers, and then wrote a check every month to someone for the car. I mean, no person (barring celebrities) really walks into a dealership and completely purchases a car. Or, if you want to go to college, you have to get a student loan, because that's the only way to afford an education. I never really understood about savings accounts or ways to do things without some help from an interest based loan.

I am, by all means, not talking down at all to people that have student loans, car payments, or a credit card payment. Because, I definitely have all of the above and I don't have any desire to talk bad about my ownself on my own blog. If that were the case, I wouldn't publish this entry. Because, it's my own blog and I get to choose how good I want to make myself look :o) Anyways, I digress back to the whole debt really sucks thing...

When John and I got engaged, we decided our family would be one that does things debt-free (with a small loophole in there for potentially purchasing a house one day). For starters, our wedding was completely debt-free. All of the glory goes straight to Jesus on that one because there were so many ways He provided for that to happen. And, since we've gotten married (almost one year! in two weeks!), we have not created one ounce of new debt. That's another "all of the glory goes straight to Jesus" things because there have been times when parents or other family or friends have provided something big or small right when we needed it.

We have also, by the grace and help of the Lord, not missed a tithe since we've been married. This is huge for me personally, because the Lord struggled with me for years on this topic. It was an area I had a really tough time of surrender in. Oh, if only I had surrendered sooner, then the Lord would have been able to show off in my life so much sooner. There have been times when I have looked at our bills and thought, "If we don't tithe, or lessen our giving, we'll have more for {insert whatever here}," but with the Lord's help, those thoughts don't really exist anymore. God has blessed us huge by our obedience in this area.

Over this last year, it wasn't/hasn't been easy to live in a teeny, tiny one bedroom apartment. Or to not have cable. Or to not eat out whenever we want. Or to miss out on so many movies on the big screen. Or to not be able to get my nails done (there are some days when I feel like I would murder someone just to enjoy a pedicure, haha). Or to get trendy clothes. Or this or that....blah blah. One thing I've learned is that it's all just stuff. And, I would rather limit my material stuff now to be debt-free in the near future!

As the payoff on our debt is getting smaller, I am amazed at how much progress we've made despite all of the medical/dental stuff we've paid over this first year, moving into a new town, etc, etc. We still have a long way to go and I so wish we were already there! But, we are praying through some exciting options right now to springboard our debt-free movement even more. I don't want to say specifics just yet, because we are still seeking the Lord's will on it, but please pray for us if you don't mind! We want our sweet child to grow up in a debt-free home and we want the freedom of being debt-free so that we are able to do anything imaginable that the Lord may call us to in the future. It's amazing how much debt can confine you and limit your possibilities in work for the Lord. (Of course I believe that the Lord could completely deliver us from debt today if He so desired, but I also believe that our sin of allowing debt in our lives has consequences. And, one of those consequences is the limiting of our sphere of influence to impact the world for Christ) But, we are excited to see what God holds financially for this next year of our marriage!

Baby Shower #2!

2010-06-26T18:40:00.001-04:00

For some odd reason, we didn't include John's parents in this picture! I totally didn't even realize until later that we didn't get a picture with them, too! But, here we are with the six Zimmerman's (inc. baby Rivers in utero!). They hosted this Texan shower at their beautiful new home!

The Phillips Trio...which, ps, did someone put a basketball under my dress?!

**Thanks to Courtney for the pictures!**

John was a groomsman in a good friend's wedding this past Saturday (the 19th) in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. So, we decided to fly into good ol' DFW ahead of time and spend some time in Texas visiting family and friends! John's family threw us a baby shower on Thursday evening, the 17th. It was so great to have lots of family and friends all confined in one space! It's always tough to see everyone you want to when you have a short trip, but this way, we were able to see lots of people in one spot.

For anyone that has ever stepped inside our living room, dining room or kitchen, they know we are huge fans of black and white decorations. There's just something about the boldness and contrast that's so pretty. Well, all of the decorations and food at the shower were black and white themed! Including a ridiculously yummy cake that was chocolate on chocolate, mmm. I may or may not have had several slices of leftovers the days following the shower :o) It was all so pretty! AND, we got to keep the leftover, oh-so-pretty napkins to use in our own kitchen (they match great!).

This shower was also a gift card shower, because let's face it, it's near impossible to lug stuff back on airplanes these days. Although, a few people did give us some small gifts, so that was fun to open! The most favorite being, "The Jesus Storybook Bible". I have given this Bible out as gifts after first discovering it via this awesome blog, Bring The Rain. And, I have been meaning to reorder some copies for other people and especially for out beautiful baby on the way. SO grateful to have been given this gift at the shower. Everyone needs to look up this Bible. I can't ever put it down. It does such an amazing job at showing how each story in the Bible points to Jesus. Just like it says on the cover, "Every story whispers His name". So very true and it is easily shown all throughout this amazing Bible.

Once again, we have been overwhelmed with gratitude toward our family and friends. Even if I seemed a little disheveled at this shower (turns out I sprained a rib which then caused a pulled muscle, double the pain! Yikes! So, I was a little out of it), I could not have been more fulfilled to see so many people love on John, myself, and this little baby. Especially since we don't get to visit Texas as often as we'd like. I can't even explain how much we love this baby and are so thankful to have yet another chance to celebrate the life God is growing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Oh, and a quick tally on boy or girl votes, two young ladies at the shower told me they think boy! Then, a random stranger in the airport on the way home insisted we were having a boy based on my belly. And, the other day a lady in the grocery store asked if we were having a girl. So, the votes keep coming in, but they keep stacking up on the blue side! Our niece, Anna (the cute little blonde next to her mama in the picture above), made a card for the baby that she gave us at the shower. It says, "Baby, are you a boy or a girl?" John and I often ask the same question to the baby ourselves, Miss. Anna :o)

Baby Update!

2010-06-23T21:36:00.001-04:00

Latest belly picture from last week. 27 weeks 3 days!

**Next post will be on our second baby shower in Texas this past week!**

Had the 28 week appointment this morning! So, today included my glucose test to check for gestational diabetes (I'll find out the results the end of this week or beginning of next) and my RhoGam shot (I am one of the few lucky ones that have a negative blood type!). Sweet baby was moving and scooting like a mad child (per a usual day) while the doctor listened for the heartbeat. And, the baby punched the doppler! The doctor and I both laughed. I have been wanting to hear the baby do that every stinkin' appointment, so I enjoyed it :o)

I am officially gaining weight and I think gone are the days of trying to play catch up in that arena! And, my fundal measurements have always measured about a week or a week and a half ahead. Well, today it was 3 weeks ahead! The doctor said it was a measurement of 31 weeks and it took me quite a while to even process that number! He said if I'm still measuring ahead the next appointment, we will have another ultrasound to see quite how big this child might be. I've always loved chunky babies, but not really for delivery day...We shall see!

Today, on the way to the doctor's appointment, John and I were listening to the latest Passion album, "The Awakening". Right as we were pulling into the parking lot, the song "He Loves Us" sung by David Crowder Band (on this album anyways!) came on. We just sat in the parking space and listened to the rest of the song before we went in. I really had to fight tears through the entire song. It's one of the worship songs I cried my eyes out to the day after we found out our first baby stopped growing. So, with the baby in my belly, and unknowingly at the time, just a few hours before we had that baby, I sung as loud as I could.

Today, that song has a double meaning. It helped walk me through the sorrow of losing our first child and was used today to remind me how much we've been blessed with this baby in my belly today. He's allowed us to feel little baby kicks, to see pictures of life again on an ultrasound screen, and revived the hope of bringing a baby home from the hospital.

Regardless of the good or the bad, oh how He loves us.

Baby Shower #1!!

2010-06-08T20:40:00.002-04:00

Our first baby shower invites! How adorable are those?! And, yes, that is a baby picture of me and one of John :o)

The only picture I have of our first shower! (And, I stole it from Sarah's Twitter, thanks!) Jennifer G took some pictures for us, but I just haven't gotten them yet. So, there's us and the super yummy cake! The inside of the cake was the top layer colored pink and the bottom layer was colored blue. How cute is that?!

Well, let me tell you, these ladies pulled off such a fun shower! There were pink and blue decorations everywhere, so adorable. I already told you about the cool cake, which was super yummy with raspberry filling (I may or may not have wished I had some here at the house this morning...). Everyone was instructed via the invite to wear pink or blue depending on what they thought we were having. I repped the pink and John repped the blue. We came as a unit and wanted to show we will glady take either!! There were two "ballot boxes" set up where people could put their card (we did a gift card shower since it was much easier to travel with) to vote whether they thought we were having a boy or a girl. Each box was decorated pink or blue! Then, for the shower games, we did lots of old wives tales to figure out what we are having!

Now, much to our surprise, both the old wive's tales AND the ballot box votes came out to...

BOY!!

John and I were both shocked! We were expecting the ballots to come out to girl! I think mainly because the only thing people have said in conversation is that they think we're having a girl. So, we just kind of assumed everything would come out to girl. John and I kept laughing that if God had a sense of humor, we would end up with a boy and everything in the scrapbook would look all pink from the shower, haha. But, we expected wrong!

I think we have both just kind of guessed girl without really having any strong assumptions, so we walked away from the shower really believing that we will be totally surprised when this baby comes along! People ask me all the time if I think I know what we're having, so here's my response, in case you're wondering, too!

"If I had to make a guess, put a gun to my head to take a jab at it, I would say girl. But, I don't really have any basis for that! Some days I think boy, some days I think girl! So, we'll just have to wait and see! Either way, we couldn't be more excited!"

If you had anything to do with our shower...we LOVED it! So much fun, super yummy food and so great to feel all the love for us and the baybay. Plus, the gift cards were a huge blessing! We have already been able to get lots of essential items on sale (score!) and I have been overwhelmed with thankfulness. As many of you know, our major goal as a family right now is to get out of debt. I am glad to say we are making progress (although some days it feels like we are never going to get there!) and we have not created one new ounce of debt since we got married (and our wedding was debt-free!). It's nice to be able to purchase stuff for the baby with gifts from people that love us and this child. Thank you seems inadequate!!

We are having another baby shower in Texas at John's sister's new house on June 17th! We are so excited to see family and friends that evening (and week!). For all you Texas peeps, we are so thrilled it worked out for us to see all of you while we're expecting! All of you are such a huge blessing as well!

I just love that so many people love our baby, too :o)

Baby Update!

2010-05-30T11:10:00.001-04:00

Baby belly at 24 weeks!

Hey Gang!

We had a doctor's appointment on Friday morning and baby looked great! My belly growth was right on track. Actually, a little above. It always seems to be measuring a week ahead. For example, my last appointment I was 21 weeks and measuring for 22 weeks. This appointment I was 24 weeks and measuring 25 weeks. I told John on the car ride home, I am hoping that means the baby is developing a week earlier and will be here sooner! Rather than the baby coming right on time and I deliver the world's largest baby (isn't that every pregnant woman's nightmare?!). And, somehow, despite my belly measurements, I am only up six pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I was concerned about it, but the doctor wasn't at all. And, I guess he's right because I did lose a lot in the first trimester, so when you factor that in, I'm probably right on track.

The baby's heartbeat was nice and strong as well! And, we still don't know the gender :o) We decided to keep it a secret and my doctor's office doesn't record the gender in the chart when you don't want to know what the secret is. That way, no one slips up in the office and unless we pay for an extra ultrasound somewhere, we have no way of knowing now! I was so terrified that we would have waited all this time and get to full term or something and someone would slip, mentioning the gender. I am so glad we don't have to worry about that! Honestly, that was an answer to one of my ridiculous prayers!

The baby still moves around a lot. I was looking forward to the baby kicking the doctor while he was listening for the heartbeat and stuff. BUT, the baby must have known there was a doctor in the room and time to settle down because the baby stopped squirming as soon as the doctor came in. I mean, lots of squirming before and after but not during. Oh well. Maybe I can explain to the child how funny I would find that and he or she needs to kick hard next time.

The Lord has taught me (again) how to enjoy the blessing of this baby every single day. It is very easy to get worried and wonder what might happen (yes, I still get anxious despite the milestones we have passed). Some days I still feel that, "waiting for the rug to get pulled out from under us" feeling. It's not fun. At all.

But, I am blessed beyond measure to now be carrying a second baby. No matter what bad or good happens through this pregnancy and in this child's life, God is to be praised. He is in control and I know that. I just need to do a better job at my part of the deal which is to daily lay this baby back at His feet. Of course there are days when I want to say that I did that last time and things didn't happen the way I wanted them to happen. But, God is gracious enough to remind me over and over again that He really does have it under control. And, I, for certain, know that He's got a better grip on things than I do.

So, for today, I am blessed and overjoyed to have a little baby kicking around as I type this blog! And, I am beyond thrilled to know that the Lord has this baby and will do what brings Himself the most glory. With knowing that, I know this baby is loved and taken care of beyond what I can do. Glad to know the Lord somehow loves this baby even more than I do!

Cursed Are The Ones That Can't Abide

2010-05-26T15:20:00.001-04:00

Galatians 3:10 "For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them." "

Embracing Accusations by Shane and Shane

"The father of lies

Coming to steal

Kill and destroy

All my hopes of being good enough

I hear him saying "Cursed are the ones

Who can’t abide,"

he’s right

Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching

The song of the redeemed

That I am cursed and gone astray

I cannot gain salvation

Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies

Be telling the truth

Of God to me tonight?

If the penalty of sin is death,

Then death is mine

I hear him saying "Cursed are the ones

Who can’t abide,"

He’s right

Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me

An age old song

That I am cursed and gone astray.

Singing the first verse so conveniently

he’s forgotten the refrain...

Jesus saves!

He redeemed us from the curse of the law,

He redeemed us from the curse of the law! "

Galatians 3:13 "Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree"— so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith."

If you have never heard this song by Shane and Shane, you need to close this blog, open up iTunes, and buy the song now. I still have not forgotten when I first heard them perform it in 2006 before it was released on their next album. I have absolutely adored it (and cry though it each time) ever since.

Lately, I've just been feeling defeated. Discouraged. Can't get it right and don't even know where to begin to get it right. Don't you hate that feeling? What I hate even more is that sometimes I let the feeling dwell and it just becomes stronger lies from the enemy.

Earlier today, John sent me a text asking if I could pray for him about something. Of course, I immediately replied back that I was praying that instant. And, I did. But, all of these thoughts came floating through my head (which I know from Scripture to be untrue and from my relationship with the Lord), that I just simply wasn't good enough to be lifting those requests. Then, it starts of thinking I'm not the wife I should be, the mother I should be, on and on and on.

So, once I pushed through the thoughts I knew were not true, I continued to pray for my husband. Then, I took some homemade peanut butter cookies to him at work, hehe :o) On the way home, I randomly decided to listen to this song by Shane and Shane. But, as I now know, it was no random choosing. The Lord knew I needed to be reminded of the truths found in Galatians 3 through song.

All of the lies sung over me by the devil, are actually the song of the redeemed. The devil is right, I can't do it on my own. I am in no way good enough. I can't gain salvation. But, what he forgets to tell me is the most beautiful part, despite all of that junk, Jesus saves. And, even more importantly to me today that I needed to be reminded of, is that Jesus saved ME. And, I need His salvation even more today than the first day I called out to Him. I love days like today where I feel the wonder and necessity of Jesus stronger than anything else (and, when I can feel a little baby dancing around in my belly and pray that he or she experiences the same wonder one day)

Daddy's Baby Already!

2010-05-21T19:00:00.000-04:00

So, it turns out we are already 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant!! Time has been flying on by lately! Probably because we have been so stinkin' busy with the move and lots of fun house guests. I am definitely not complaining that time is moving a lot faster than it did before. And, while I do still get nauseous from time to time, it seems like the vomiting stage (other than a fluke a week ago) ended at 20 weeks. So, woohoo for not puking all the time now! I could NOT be more grateful that the puking did eventually stop and I am not one of the lucky women that deals with it for the whole 9 months.

I first felt this sweet baby move at 15 weeks and the movements have only gotten stronger. And, a lot more frequent. Let's just say that these days, the baby must not sleep much because the child has figured out how to do somersaults and cool breakdance moves in the weightless habitat. My belly does look very alien-like on a regular basis starting this last week. We're talking, "um, I think a little foot could bust through at any moment," type of movements. And, the crazy wave-like movements of my tummy all over the place. The movements are above my belly button sometimes, and below sometimes. Every once in a while there's a left side jab, but the baby seems to like my right side better.

For the most part, the baby just moves whenever he or she feels like it (which seriously doesn't matter whether it's day or night, if I've had sugar or not, the kiddo likes to bust a move constantly). But, there is one thing I've noticed that brings the baby to freakout mode, jump all around, trying to bust straight through my uterus and tummy into the world to give me a piece of their mind...

when daddy is no longer around.

Whenever daddy's voice is absent, the baby protests by beating up my insides and rolling around like a mad child.

Shortly after John leaves for work...when he leaves the room...when he stops talking at bedtime, etc...the baby goes crazy. It's as if the baby is screaming and is trying to ask what the mess happened to his or her daddy.

Don't worry, I plan to make sure this child understands how much I puked, how many times my back gave out to where John had to scoop me up and carry me to my destination, and how I birthed the child into the world. I am determined to make sure this baby loves me as much as he or she obviously loves daddy.

But, baby, I think you're right about your daddy. He is just as amazing as you think he is and much more. I can't wait for you to meet him. He's so much fun. And, makes me laugh like no one else on earth. Also, he'll do anything you ever need. If you want to learn a trick, he's super nice and giving, he would give you the world on a string if he could.

Baby, I'm glad you already love him so much. Because, I always want to protest when he has to go to work and things, too. It's just not as socially acceptable for me to kick around like you do when he leaves...

Due Date

2010-04-30T21:56:00.000-04:00

I knew that eventually May 1st would roll around. I also knew that after Christmas, it would be the next big hurdle to get through. And, here we are, the day before the due date that back in August I thought seemed like a million years away.

To put it lightly, today has been rough. I found myself crying my eyes out in random parking lots around town as I was trying to get my list of errands done today. I felt so bad for myself, I splurged and bought myself a pink Snuggie. And, some Rasinets. Take that sadness.

There have been a lot of tears this last week over our first lost baby. It's funny how I used to think that if a woman just got pregnant again, she would be completely healed about a miscarriage. And, truthfully for some women, that may very well be the case, but it definitely hasn't been for me. Our current pregnancy has brought healing of the wondering if we would ever be able to hold a pregnancy past the first trimester. But, this baby, in no way, has replaced our first one.

Leaving our apartment last week, to head to our new home in Georgia, was way more difficult than I thought it would be. And, the biggest hurt was that I felt like we were leaving our first baby behind. See, we don't have much that's physical to remember that baby. And, that apartment was where I took the tests that told me we were expecting. It was the place that John and I dreamed about what that baby would be like. It was where I couldn't stop crying and holding my belly the night that we found out our baby was gone. It was where my contractions started the night before my surgery and I had our baby. It was where I recovered from the surgery and questioned if life would ever be the same. It was the place we lit our candle and read Scripture to remember the baby God gave us.

I cried and cried and cried the day we left our apartment. I actually made us leave several hours later than planned that day because I felt that first baby slipping away all over again.

And, now, here I am today, the day before our due date. This is tough. It's tougher than I thought it would be just a month or two ago. I laid on the floor in our current baby's room today with our first baby's scrapbook and cried at first. Then, looking through the unfinished scrapbook, there was a peace. Man, we loved that baby. And, I think Jesus knows that. Plus, God has given us a new baby to share in all of that love. A new baby that God has at least given us 20.5 weeks with while we pray for many more weeks, months, and years.

If you read this tonight or tomorrow (or any day!) do you mind tossing up a prayer for us? Tomorrow is going to be a tough day and we are trying to find a good balance of mourning, remembrance, and a continuance of life for the day. Also, it'll be John's first weekend at the services at Dogwood church as the Tech Director, which includes the Saturday night service. So, we want to be ready and willing to invest in people tomorrow night. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

So...We...Are...Gonna....Be....

2010-04-06T19:50:00.001-04:00

GEORGIANS!!!!

It's true, we're moving! No one can ever blame us for having boring lives, that's for sure. This time last year, we were engaged and planning a wedding on a shoestring budget (which was debt-free and came out beautifully, if I do say so myself). Since then, we've gotten married, got pregnant 3 weeks after wedding, lost a baby 10 weeks after that, got pregnant again 2 months after that, now John is transitioning to a new job in a totally new state!! Phew, are you as tired as I am??

After lots of prayer, excitement, and tears, we really believe that the Lord is leading us to Peachtree City, Georgia where John is accepting the Tech Director position at Dogwood Church. The church (which we will be living nearby) is about 15 or so minutes from the Atlanta airport and about 25 minutes from downtown Atlanta.

John's last day at First Baptist Orlando will be on April 16th and we plan to move that weekend or the beginning of that next week. The timing has all moved pretty quick as Dogwood is needing John to start soon. It's all very exciting, but we are also sad to leave a church that we have loved dearly. First Orlando was where my walk with Jesus became not just something I talked about, but learned how to live out. It is also the place where I met the husband I learned how to pray for during my youth group days. It is where my husband asked me to marry him. It is where we stood before a room of witnesses and made a marriage covenant before the Lord. It is where I told him that we were expecting our first baby. The church staff and all of the precious people that make up the church have been nothing short of a blessing for the both of us. We have shed many tears over leaving a church that we absolutely adore.

But, the Lord is growing us and stirring an excitement in us for what's to come. We had no idea that the beginning of our marriage would have so many things going on, so who in the world could guess what's on the horizon! I am really excited about what ministry opportunities lay ahead for the both of us. And, I really do believe it's going to be full of lots of great things. The Lord has given us both a better understanding of local missions over the last year and we are super pumped to see how that translates in our new city.

All of you Orlando folk, we love you and are going to miss you more than I could possibly begin to type in a silly blog. We have a guest room that is crying out for you to come visit us!! Also, we will definitely be back sometime in June for a baby shower (yay! maybe I'll have a belly by then?!) and in November with the babe. With Orlando being my hometown, we will definitely still be around and anxious to see all of you!

Love you all so much! Please be praying for us as we get ready to pack up and move! The transitions that specifically could use some prayer:

--We are finalizing which (out of two) houses we are going to rent.

--I still haven't found an OB/GYN, I am pretty anxious about this because we are leaving a doctor's office we love here

--That my body can withstand all of the physical stress that comes with moving, I am quite the sickly woman these days and don't want to get too overworked!

--For John to work well with his new fellow staff members

--For the both of us to find friendships that are truly ordained from the Lord quickly!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Please comment on here if there is anything we can pray about!

Baby Update!

2010-04-03T21:20:00.000-04:00

I am the worst blogger in the world. I always mean to update and then never get to it. My excuse this time around is that I usually feel in a bloggy mood at night. Well, usually I want to throw up like a mad woman in the evenings. Well, and in the morning. Well, hmm, I guess during the day, too. Eh, you get the idea...

But, I did want to update you on our last doctor's appointment! It was last Tuesday (on the 23rd). I was 15weeks 1day. The baby still had a strong heartbeat, which was in the low 150's. And, I was up a little weight! I was still under my pre-pregnancy weight, but up from before. Which, that is very good news and I am glad to be at the point where the excessive vomiting appears to be over. I never knew I would get to the point where a little puke doesn't bother me because overall I am able to keep enough food down. Um, perspective change, much??

Also, I have been feeling some movement, flutters (totally never understood that as a description until it happened!) and sometimes it feels like the baby is popping some popcorn in my uterus :o) I love the little movements. And, as much as I can't wait for them to be strong enough for John to feel it from the outside, I am totally loving my exclusive one-on-one time with the small human being that has been the source of my sickness for so long, hehe. How could a cute little baby that "flutters" wreak so much havoc on my body? But, those little flutters and popcorn make it all worth it!

We have been praying over our beautiful baby every day. And, I have finally gotten my act together a little more (thank you, Jesus again for the excessive yuckiness being over!). Therefore, I have been able to really pray the Scripture verses that John and I picked for our children over this precious baby. What a sweet time to feel little kicks as I pray Scripture for our baby to answer God's call on his or her life. I have always loved praying verses over my husband and am now loving to pray for our baby.

Sometime this week we will finally upload our ultrasound picture from week 8! The baby just looks like a cute little blob. But, it's our little blob :o)

Lost Innocence

2010-03-14T16:52:00.001-04:00

Over the last week or two, I've had a few nights where it's been really tough for me to fall asleep. I just lay there staring at the ceiling in the dark and my mind runs wild. I try to control it and just get to bed, but sometimes my crazy thoughts have won.

Like, last night. I was tired and not feeling well, so I wanted to fall asleep quickly. But, instead, there I lay replaying the miscarriage over and over in my head. Laying there, despite how nauseous I feel, wondering if I am just an incubator yet again for a baby that has stopped growing.

Last night, I explained to John some of my fears and he responded with, "Yeah, I kinda feel like since we've been excited, that we're just waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under us,". Oh, how I couldn't agree more.

At the same time, we are spending each day excited and with a grateful heart for this baby. There are some people that have not and will not see a positive pregnancy test, no matter how hard they pray. I know that to even be pregnant twice, with two precious children, is a gift. Even if "the rug gets pulled out from under us," I will be thankful for both times having to be pregnant. But, every once in a while, a dark night creeps up on me and I can't help my mind wandering.

When I had another night like this one about a week ago, I just kept telling John how we never got to fully experience the innocence and well, naivety of a first time pregnancy. We already know and have experienced what bad can happen in a pregnancy on our very first go at it all. I just think it's different when it's your first. Listening for a heartbeat has not and probably will never be a fully innocent experience for us. The very first time a heartbeat was searched for, there was none to be found. When the morning rolled around for us to check for this baby's first heartbeat, it was terrifying. That experience never had the chance to be innocent or fun.

I'm really not complaining about any of this, I just almost feel sad for the little girl I was when I always dreamt of being pregnant. I couldn't wait to marry the man of my dreams and we would have the most perfect pregnancy resulting in the most perfect first child. I just feel a little saddened for my first baby that he or she never had the chance to grow or for us to hear his or her heartbeat. I feel saddened for this baby that didn't get the "belly pictures" every week like the first one, or that his/her first ultrasound was a worried one for us or that hearing his/her heartbeat for the first time was terrifying because we didn't know if we could trust it.

BUT, if nothing else, we are trusting the Lord. We are putting our hope in Him to do what's best for us and our little baby; no matter what that may mean. We are expecting for God to do great things despite our fears, questions, excitement, or ultimately, ourselves. And, therefore, I think we are in the best place we can be...full reliance on One that is infinitely worth more glory than anyone else

A Little Phillips On The Way!!

2010-03-02T20:18:00.002-05:00

On January 2, 2010, John and I saw the little plus sign on a home pregnancy test. It's funny how this time around, there was no "I feel like I just got hit by a train, in a good way" statements made. We both just commented on how peaceful things seemed and here we go again! And, then, I'm pretty sure we both just went back to bed! Haha. Hey, it was a Saturday morning and sleep sounded good :o) Our precious little one is due on September 13, 2010, which makes me 12 weeks.

The last two months have been a whirlwind of emotions. This new baby has brought some healing and has also brought to mind sad memories of our first pregnancy. Don't get us wrong, you probably couldn't meet two more overjoyed people to have a baby on the way. But, this baby and our first one are two completely different human beings. And, therefore, this baby in no way replaces our first one or causes us to "just get over what happened the first time". I'm not quite sure if a day will ever come that I don't wonder what our first baby would have looked like. What he or she would have wanted as their favorite after school snack. Etc. But, at the same time, we are so very thrilled at the possible opportunity to get to experience those things with this beautiful baby.

I can honestly say for the first time in my life, that I desire God's will more than my own. There are many times I have prayed to experience that 100% or wished that I could figure out how to get to that place. And, these last several months, I think I have really begun to understand what it means to carry my cross daily. The strength of the Lord is what got us through our miscarriage and we believe that if the Lord called us to walk that road again, we would continue to pray for the Lord to be glorified. One of our constant prayers lately is that the Lord would do whatever gives Him the most glory with this baby. If that means to take our baby home to Him, than so be it. But, if it means to let this baby enter the world, than so be it. We pray the Lord will give us this baby to raise, but we can truly say we desire His will more than anything else.

Driving the way to the doctors office almost 4 weeks ago for our first ultrasound, John and I were both pretty quiet in conversation. We played Hillsong United's "Arms Open Wide" and sang it at the top of our lungs. I had tears in my eyes and pondered what the morning might hold. I also thought back on the devastating 2nd ultrasound of our first baby. Such mixed emotions that day. I brought my clinging cross from this post, and clung as the ultrasound began. The very first second or two, I thought I didn't see the heartbeat. But, then, there it was. A little blob of a baby (hehe) with a flickering image of a heartbeat. Cool as a cucumber, just kickin' back and hanging out. And, the baby was 8weeks 3days, which was almost a week past when the first baby stopped growing. What a great morning.

Theeeen, I was put in the hospital that same day for dehydration. I was also diagnosed with hyperemesis, which basically means I haven't been able to stop throwing up. The actual hyperemesis probably lasted a total of 4 weeks. I wasn't able to keep any food or drink down :o( I've lost 4 pounds this first trimester. I'm still trudging through morning sickness now, but am finally getting to the point where I can keep some stuff down. I've joked with John that I have been so insanely sick that I haven't even had the time or energy to worry about if the baby is going to be fine! Haha. So, I guess the extreme yucky feeling has been a blessing in disguise :o)

One week ago we had an appointment and heard the baby's heartbeat! As most of you remember, that was our appointment where we found out about our first baby. So, it was such a relief when the heartbeat was found right away. Still pumping nice and strong!! That was an amazing day. All of the euphoria had me feeling better the rest of the day! But, then I was yucky again the next day, haha. But, still crazy excited!

I'll leave it here for now! But,we know two things, 1) we are crazy excited about this beautiful baby, and 2) this little one will grow up knowing that he or she had an older brother or sister that prepared our hearts to love him/her in a way that we probably never could have before

"My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your name, and forever I will pray, have Your way..."

Sorry It's Been So Long!

2010-02-15T21:35:00.002-05:00

Good grief, it has been like a million years since I've updated on here! Life has actually been pretty crazy lately! Lots of turns and shifts and ups and downs...all of which I'm sure I'll update you on soon enough :o) But, many have wondered how we are doing and I figured it was high time to write on here.

As the New Year rolled in, I remember thinking on the 1st of this year that it's time to walk in a fresh new start. I also remember driving home and crying my eyes out on the phone with my husband. It was such a jumble of tears and hurt and desire for more healing. I can't even remember half of that conversation. But, I do remember repeating several times, "I think I'm just really tired and I'm probably hungry for dinner". And, I think that was true, because I ate a good dinner and went to bed early that night! It's amazing how much hunger and lack of sleep (see, only 4 hours of sleep the night before) can affect your attitude.

The last month and a half of 2010 have brought more tears over our baby. Yet, there has also come a peace through the tears. Somehow, there has come a great desire to constantly hand things over to Jesus. It's amazing how such a dark experience can leave you just desiring for the fame of Jesus to be had out of it. I also think as we're coming to a better, more healed place in all of this, I have wondered if I have suffered well. Did I really do all that I could to push glory to Jesus despite my heartache? I guess I won't really know the answer to that question until I see my baby again and stand before the Throne.

But, I do know, that regardless of what trials or blessings life can bring, there is only One Name that is greatly to be praised. I want to live my life in a way that continues to show people that Name. I want my little baby's memory to be one that has encouraged people toward life's one and only Maker.

And, through it all I have learned, that if Jesus gets more glory from my first baby only living a short time in the womb rather than living any time on this earth, than I can truly say I am glad the Lord is getting the most glory. I don't expect anyone to understand that statement. I just know that I have fallen more in love everyday with my Savior. And, I believe 100%, for the first time in my life, 100%, that Jesus is better than anything. And, that His control really is so much better than mine.

So, that's been the last month and a half; emotionally anyways! Life can be heartbreaking sometimes, but honestly, it kinda makes me feel like I am walking through the Bible (which is pretty cool). But, I'm learning how to continue to share Hope with others even when you feel like you're trying to find hope yourself...

It's Time To Love...

2010-01-16T18:57:00.001-05:00

As Sanctity of Life Sunday (us Christians like to make names for everything, basically a day set apart to remember the lives that have been lost to abortion) draws nearer, I have been a little more reflective this year. There are so many precious, beautiful, and hurting women out there that have lost a baby (or babies) to abortion.

I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt and pain that comes after having an abortion. I know how hard the last few months have been on John and I, and we didn't choose to lose our baby. No matter how tough the exterior of a woman that has been through an abortion, there is an emotional hurt that I am sure has no comparison to anything else. I have experienced the hurt with someone extremely close to me. And, it has taken her a very long time to come to a place of healing from her decision. But, she has also come to realize how gracious our wonderful Savior is that she will get to see her baby one day! Maybe my baby and her baby are hanging out right now :o)

I have always been extremely upset at how some "churches" or some "ministries" choose to approach the topic of abortion. And, you know what? The truth is, I am just flat out tired of it. I am tired of just sitting by and crying or screaming to myself at how some people choose to approach those in need of Jesus. And, I know I have several readers of this blog that are not Christians. Let me be the first to say, I am so very sorry at how we behave day in and day out. But, let me encourage you not to look at us morons and I can help you seek out the grace, mercy, compassion, pursuance, and love found in Jesus Christ.

Now for us Christians...I don't know when it became okay for us to treat those that have sinned as less than us, but can I be the one to help remind all of us what we are? We are measly, "righteousness worth as filthy rags", SINNERS. And, I dunno about you, but the last thing on my mind before I was a Christian, was whether or not I was pleasing God. If I was getting an abortion, the last thing that would make me stop is hearing about how much "God despises this and that". If I was already headed down that path, I would already be in the position where I think a risky surgery is the answer instead of any other options, so why would I be inclined to hear that now God's gonna hate me, too? Have we forgotten that darkness doesn't want to walk in the light? So, why would someone that's not a Christian, feel the urge to do what's right?

The only thing I know is that Jesus saved me. I don't fully know why, but He did. And, I know that His heart breaks for every innocent baby that stops growing in the womb (including my baby that I miss so much and for every precious aborted baby). And, I know that according to the love that Jesus has shown me, I want to show some of that love to any woman that has an aborted baby. Praise God that we live in the NEW Testament now, not the Old.

And, even if we lived in the Old Testament (which I am in right now, thanks to my Bible reading plan for 90 days), it is still so obvious how God pursues those that are lost and in sin. I mean, let's just look at the Israelites for example, time and time again they complained against the Lord even though He just got done rescuing them out of slavery. And, what does the Lord do? Sure, His anger starts to build, but He also continues to pursue them with love and blessing.

All I ask, is that we really try to remember what God's love is like on this Sanctity of Life Sunday. Remember how either myself or you could only be a few decisions away from an abortion. Would you want Christians to turn their back on you with hatred yet declaring it's what God would want them to do? I am SO happy that Jesus never turned His back on me or on you.

Doing Everything Right...

2010-01-03T00:31:00.001-05:00

For those that know me, I am an insane rule-follower. I am a task-oriented person, a total overachiever, and I hate for anyone to think I have failed at something. With all of that, it is very easy for me to slip into legalism with faith. But, with the help of my freedom loving husband, I have stretched out of my legalism a lot more over the last year and a half.

I've always been one to exclaim to people looking for advice about what to do in a possible sinful situation, that plainly put, God loves obedience. And, when you don't want to be obedient, you just do it anyways. Pray for your heart and attitude to align with your actions and God always seems to bless it.

But, then comes the issue of suffering.

I can easily say without hesitation or questioning of myself (which I tend to do a lot, thanks to my overachiever-ness) that I have walked more dark valleys than I have sung from the mountaintops. I could list everything out and make you feel bad for me, but that's pathetic and not the point I want to focus on. But, I would like to say, with God's help, for the most part, I clung to the Lord in the nasty times and have remained obedient. Even when, time after time, the suffering that I have found myself in has been nothing that I could even remotely control. And, believe me, I have majorly screwed up before, but I'm talking in general here. And, I'm not talking about the kind of suffering that's because of a consequence to my own sin. It's interesting how quickly people will proclaim their life as hard, but really it's just different consequences to different sins they have found themselves in. I am not saying consequences are easy, they stink, BAD. But, they are also expected and simply make sense for a just and fair God.

The kind of suffering I am talking about now, is the kind where you've "done everything right" (quotations because, of course we are imperfect and will absolutely never do everything right), but things still go south. The kind of suffering that makes absolutely no sense when written on paper. The kind where there just isn't a dang reason for it, yet, just like Job's friends in the Bible, everyone tries to come up with an excuse for why it has happened..."well, God must be trying to teach them this..." "well, they must have committed this sin..." "well....well....well...."

There are some days, over the last three months, where I have been overwhelmingly honored that the Lord would allow me to endure this trial. He has deemed John and I worthy and able to handle this terrible amount of heartache. He knew how we'd react. He knew I would cry and cry and cry for months. But, yet, He knew that some how, some way, we could make it through this and that He would receive glory out of this. Oh, how on these days, I pray that the Lord would always count me worthy of suffering to bring more fame to His name!

But, then I have days, like yesterday, where I cry to my husband how, "It just isn't fair!". I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have whispered, uttered, moaned, cried, and flat out screamed that over the last 3 months. Then, I say things like, "My whole life, whenever things messed up around me, I still gave glory to God. I never ran from Him, even when it felt like He didn't like me because of all the bad things happening. I did things right, the way you were supposed to, and here we are. This just isn't fair!! I don't know that I can keep 'doing everything right'; this wasn't supposed to happen." And, yesterday, as I tried to fall asleep for a nap, I was quiet. I was still. And, the Lord spoke to me...

(no, not audibly...maybe more on that later)

"Jesus did everything right. And, what happened to Him, just wasn't fair. But, He walked through it anyways. And, because of it, the world has never been the same. YOU have never been the same"

There was such a comfort at that. He really did. He did it all right. And, you know what? What happened, just wasn't stinkin' fair. But, there was more glory to God than ever given before.

Thank you, Father, for considering me worthy over and over again to bring glory to You.

"...that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death" Phil. 3:10

"Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name. And every day, in the temple and from house to house, they did not cease teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ." Acts 5:41, 42

Update On Life!

2009-12-29T14:03:00.000-05:00

I just realized it's been a little since I've blogged. And, the insanity that surrounds the holidays can be blamed for that :o)

Before we got married, John and I decided that we would have Thanksgiving and Christmas alternate from year to year between both of our families. Last year, we spent Thanksgiving in Orlando and Christmas in Texas. So, this year was flip flopped. We headed out to my mom's home on the coast (about an hour away) for Christmas week. It was fun to feel like we were getting away, but I was also pretty glad to make it back home to our own bed!

Because of everything that's happened lately, this Christmas just felt a little different at first. I was supposed to be 21 weeks this Christmas. But, surprisingly, I only had one big cry fest during the day on Christmas Eve. I was really doing just fine in the beginning of the day and then, we went to Denny's. What an unassuming place to have the start of my tear fest.

There I am. Eating my build your own grand slam, complete with chocolate chip pancakes. Mmmm, chocolate chip pancakes have always been my favorite breakfast! Well, that and biscuits and gravy. I mean, come on?? How can those two meals NOT be a favorite! Anyways, there I was and out of nowhere, everything hit me. It's Christmas and I'm not pregnant. This Christmas was supposed to be sitting by the tree and dreaming of what our little one on the way would look like. I can honestly say I wasn't expecting for Christmas to be that hard. I felt like I had gotten through all of the big emotional landmarks until the due date hit, but I guess I was wrong.

But, after I balled my eyes out in the car on the way back home, I retreated to bed for a long nap. It is amazing how a little bit of sleep can make things somewhat better. And, from then on, I slowly got out of my funk and enjoyed the rest of the Christmas weekend! Including lots of after Christmas sales so we can actually have a decorated home next year, haha. I keep telling John, "I can't wait for Christmas next year! I just want to set out all of our new decorations right now, even though I would have to put them away tomorrow!" But, I guess I can wait ;o)

I must admit, it's a little weird going into 2010 so soon. It's funny how I was only pregnant for 10 weeks and 5 days, but with that came a lot of dreams and plans for the future. It's been tough to kind of switch that off and remind myself there's not a baby on the way. It's so crazy how in the grand scheme of life a couple of months is not long at all, but in such a short time, things can change so much. Before I walked through this, I never really thought I would be this affected by being pregnant for such a short time. Boy, was I wrong. Even though we don't have a baby on the way anymore, may the Lord be glorified through us in the upcoming year of 2010!

Learning About Contentment

2009-12-16T20:59:00.001-05:00

How in the world did Christmas become only 9 days away?! I am sitting on the couch looking at our lovely first Christmas tree. That's right, it's a Charlie Brown Christmas tree! Yup, a few measly branches, a single red bulb ornament, and Linus' light blue blanket covering the base. At first, I was not digging the idea of ANY Christmas tree in our apartment. The reality is that we were out of town for the first few days after Thanksgiving, then a few days after that we were housesitting, and now we'll be heading to my mother's for Christmas week. Therefore, who wants to spend money on a tree, ornaments, decorations to only see it for a day or two? And, let's face it, I've been openly "bah humbug!", so the idea of going through trying to decorate our teeny tiny apartment, just seemed ridiculous...all until my husband mentioned the idea of Charlie Brown's Christmas tree! It was only $10, already had it's decorations, and how cute to have the movie come to life (plus, I get to express my bah humbug-ness in a cute way). And, I justified my negative Nancy attitude with the fact that if the Lord does bless us in the future with some kiddos, it will be so fun to have the Charlie Brown Christmas tree and watch the movie with the tree right next to the television :o)

All of that to say after getting our little Christmas tree, I used a gift card and Christmas'd up our front door. John was so excited to have some Christmas decorations out and that's ultimately why I did it all. The last few days I have had some precious time with my Jesus. And, in those moments, I have prayed that the Lord would really grow and instill in me the attitude of a Godly wife. What does that look like? What does it mean to outdo my husband with honor? How can I create a household in which he will always want to rush home?

One thing that has always stuck out to me from our wedding, was when our pastor, Keith Harmon, gave us both some tips of wisdom. One of those directed towards me was to never rush to defend my husband, but rather to always lift him up in prayer. I am sure that has saved me a lot of frustration already! But, today was one of those days where I spent extended time in prayer over him and over our marriage. I am so honored to get the chance to try and become the wife that he will always be head over heels for...especially when a lot of junky stuff is going on.

And, another thing that has stuck out a lot lately in my personal time with the Lord is the issue of contentment. I have always struggled with the idea that I am never 100% content with just the Lord alone. And, today it hit me, I won't ever be this side of Heaven. I will have moments, like I did today, where nothing else but the Lord matters to me. But, unfortunately, I will never 100% feel that way all of the time here on earth.

Even though I can sit here today and tell you that I am a woman that has experienced a lot of dark trials in my life, including the hardest of losing my first baby, that Jesus is far greater and better than anything I could ever dream of in the universe. If my husband went home to be with the Lord tonight, or if we were never able to have children, or if one of us gets cancer, or if I get pregnant again, bring that baby in the world just to lose the child moments later, or if John loses his job...Jesus is still greater and the love of my life. He would still be worthy of praise in all of those things and He is worthy of praise right now. I cannot explain in words how much I really do love Him. And, because I do love Him that much, I long for the day when my love for Him never gets distracted by anything else.

One day, in Heaven, that love will be fulfilled to it's true potential. There are moments in this latest trial, where Heaven has seemed more desirable just because of my baby and not because of my Jesus. But, the day will come where it's not even possible to put anything above Jesus' rightful place. May it be on earth as it is in Heaven...

It's Been Two Months

2009-12-08T20:20:00.001-05:00

Well, December has already involved some packing and unpacking with more coming our way! We are housesitting again this week and at the end of December (Christmas week) we'll be headed to my mom's house for the week. If there's anything in the world I truly hate, it would be packing and unpacking. But, I survived the task for Thanksgiving in Texas with John's family, so I am sure I can figure out a way to survive the rest of this month :o)

And, yes, you read correctly...we are housesitting again! We are housesitting at the same place we did in October. I had the miscarriage on Thursday, October 8th and that Sunday we were off to housesit! At first I was thinking that I just wanted to be home during that time, but in the Lord's amazing plan, He allowed the housesitting to feel like a much needed escape. I am still so grateful that we had the 2.5 weeks here while I was recovering from my surgery...and it was free cable (which was an excellent distraction) and we got paid!!

This time around, we're here for 7 days. Our first day was this past Saturday. I was the first one out of John and I to arrive at the house that morning. As soon as I walked in, I was amazed at how quickly I was transported back to two months ago. The smell of the house, random rooms where I collapsed on the floor crying, the bathroom where I took long showers wondering how I was going to make it through the rest of the day, the living room where I restarted my 30 Day Shred regimen trying to lose the few pounds and get the stress out, the pool that I stared at because I wasn't allowed to go swimming because of the surgery, the kitchen where I heated up meals people gave us or made TV dinners for us because I didn't have energy for anything more, etc etc etc

Wow.

I am one of those people that for some reason, I take a smell and instantly connect it to a memory. It can be something as simple as, thinking I am buying a new deodorant, applying it and instantly remembering it is the scent I wore while dating John. Then, before I know it, I remember the feeling of dating some cute guy named John ;o)

Or, it can be walking into the home that I tried to recover from my miscarriage in and the scent instantly takes me back to the despair of those few weeks following that extremely dark time. And, wow, was it dark.

And, once again, the Lord's timing is perfect. I am so glad we're here housesitting again. God has used it to show me how far He has brought us since October 8th. I am not quite sure that I would have ever realized how much God really has healed our hearts. Now, don't get me wrong, He's definitely not done yet. It is still very tender and it's just going to take more time. But, I have gotten to a place where I can at least function throughout the day.

Today was one of my rougher days (since today was the 2 month mark) and I am still so much better off than I would have been 2 weeks afterwards. I was able to take care of the house and dogs today (which, the last time we here, John did most of everything). I was able to make a real dinner with a new recipe (and it turned out super yummy which was nice). I was able to even watch A Baby Story or two (on Discovery Health and/or TLC, my favorite channels that we don't get at home since we don't have cable!).

It's been a very sad day. That's the best way I can describe it, just sad. But, my adjectives two months ago would have been much more depressing. And, I do believe that I will always hold that this is just very sad. Therefore, I think I am finally settling into life post-losing your first child. I am figuring out how to live life when everyone else pregnant around me is finding out the gender of their child and I should know by now. I am learning how to accept that it's just not a part of the story for my first baby and it never will be. And, somehow, that's becoming okay.

Lord, hold my baby tonight!! And, let baby Phillips know that I am still in love and still miss my baby like crazy!

Mary, Did You Know?

2009-12-03T22:10:00.001-05:00

My two most favorite Christmas songs in the whole world are "O, Holy Night" and "Mary, Did You Know?". I guess I have just always felt like they both capture all that was known and unknown that night. Both songs exhibit different emotions and thoughts of that special night in Bethlehem. Every time I hear either of these songs my brain and heart are immersed in thoughts of what that first Christmas must have looked like.

Every year I have always pondered on Mary at Christmastime. Maybe it's because all of my years prior I have thought how insane it would be to find out you're pregnant and have never even been intimate with a man! Haha. Seriously, think about it! And, this year...well, this year I am thinking about Mary's role in a whole new light...

She carried Jesus in her womb for nine months. Nine long months Mary could have dealt with morning sickness, backaches, waking up in the middle of the night just because she had to pee, mood swings, a growing tummy, a chubby face, and to end the whole thing, excruciating pain to push out that baby! But, then, there He was...her baby. She could finally see what He looked like. She finally got to hold Him tight. He arrived the same as any other human, but at the same time, completely different.

Then, these men of prestige show up with some pretty kickin' (might I add, expensive) gifts. I know what would have gone through my mind..."Um, how did you get the address of this manger?" Did reality set back in when these men came from afar to worship? Did she realize, "oh, that's right, this isn't just my baby"? Did she have a sense of overwhelming love for this baby that she waited nine months to see, just to remember that this child will have a purpose of no baby's destiny before?

Mary, did you have any clue that your baby would one day help me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart?
Mary, did you know that the Son you carried in your womb for nine months and took care of for so many years, would one day take care of me when I had to peel myself off of an ultrasound table?
Mary, did you ever wonder if that tiny little baby of yours would heal the hearts of everyone that would turn to Him?
Mary, did you ever begin to understand that over 2000 years later there would be a girl strangely jealous that you got to hold your first baby and she never did?
Mary, did you know that you would be able to see that girl's baby in Heaven before she ever got the chance to lay eyes on her child?
Mary, did it really hurt as bad as I'm imagining when they took your boy and hung Him on the cross?
Mary, how did you deal with the pain of those three days?
Mary, did you still hurt and miss Him even after you knew He conquered death?
Mary, did you ever think that people would actually come to love your precious baby as much as you did the night that you first laid eyes on Him?
Mary, did you know there would be a girl in Orlando, Florida on the evening of December 3, 2009 that could only find solace in the absolutely perfect baby that you bore into the world?

I think that every year I will always reflect on Mary and what it must have been like for her. But, I think that this year will always be the one that was a little bit different. I am so grateful that Mary was obedient to have that baby. I am so grateful that, even though it was tough, she knew that God had a plan for her child that she could never begin to grasp this side of Heaven. I think I can learn a lot from her this Christmas.

NO More Weeping!

2009-11-29T16:04:00.001-05:00

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son." Revelation 21:3-7

We read this passage one week to the day from when we miscarried the baby. We read this as our candle was lit in remembrance of our little one. It brought so much comfort and power that evening. But, then...

I never read it again. And, for a reason.

That reason was the simple fact that the idea of our baby being in Heaven was just a reminder that our baby will never be here with us.

One day I was looking for a Christian book about miscarriages. I came across a book that had all of these illustrations of a childlike appearing angel holding a baby all wrapped in white. And, the words that read on the pages sounded good, but were not Scriptural. Not only did that irritate me, but then I began to realize that those in Heaven get to see my baby before I do. They know if our child is a boy or a girl. And, that just irked me a little bit.

Okay, maybe it irked me to the point of screaming at the angels that could hear me..."You just fly on up to Heaven and report back that none of your types are allowed to hold my baby!! Only Jesus can and any family members of John and I!! That's IT!" Then, I laughed at the fact that any angel assigned to me probably rolls their eyes on a regular basis at the bizarre things I scream. But, I meant it. And, hopefully there's not an angel reading over my shoulder right now, because I probably still agree with that idea, hehe.

But, something has shifted over the last few days. The idea of no more weeping has taken on a whole new meaning.

Last night, I was telling John how, with each year, the older we get, there is so much more to weep about. Each year, you learn of somehow else diagnosed with cancer, another person losing their job, more funerals to attend, someone that used to be close to Jesus just walks away, more divorces, someone loses their baby, and the list goes on... Each year, there's going to be more to cry about. The closer I walk with Jesus, the more opposition and therefore, suffering, I am going to face.

It's funny how the more in love with Jesus you get, the more things seem to fall apart around you. And, if it wasn't for that insane, growing love for my Savior, I would stay pretty mad at Him. My old camp pastor came to speak to the students about a month ago. I actually had an extremely rough couple of days and wasn't even planning to go that night. But, he talked about doubting God. He talked about how the closer we get to Jesus, the easier it is to doubt Him. When you hear about all of those junky things I listed above, that you start to become hurt because you know the depth of the love of Jesus. And, that extreme, pursuing love of Jesus just seems totally opposite for Him to allow those bad things to happen. Then, he went on further to say, "Don't let the unexplainable in life to cloud the undeniable about God."

Sometimes, you just gotta step out on faith, even when you don't want to.

And, here I am. Slowly (very slowly) slipping back into some sense of normalcy after all of this craziness of the last 2 months. I have an anticipation and appreciation of Heaven more than I ever have in my entire life.

I have done more weeping the last 2 months (heck, even this week!) than I have in my whole life. But, the Lord has reminded me these last few days, that one day, where my baby is waiting, that there will be no more weeping. Not a single stinkin' tear. Not one more breakdown on a bathroom floor. No hurt. No pain. No more suffering.

A place where Jesus will be in His rightly exalted place. A place that my baby will have only known. A place that I long for now. If you asked me about Heaven a few years back, I probably would have said that I would like to get married, have kids, and live a little before I get there. Now, I greatly anticipate the place where I will finally get to see Jesus face to face. And, until I get there, I want to work on bringing as many people with me as I possibly can.

And, another thing I am working on, until I get there, is handing my husband, my baby, and any possible future babies into the care of Jesus. I need to be willing to love Jesus more than any of those people. I need to be willing to hand them right on over back to the One that created them, every single day of the rest of my life.

I follow the blog Bring the Rain (and I suggest you check it out) and she is currently pregnant after her last baby lived less than a full day. Her last post talked about her struggle in trusting the Lord right now. How she has tried to do this on her own, because the last time she let the Lord handle it, her baby didn't make it. Wow, how tough is that? And, I am learning how to let the Lord handle things, even when I don't want him to.

God allowed for my baby to only live in my womb a short while, before taking our little one to Heaven. And, I am now learning to accept that and actually be excited of the idea of some distant place of no more weeping. A place that my baby has experienced in full.

On this post-Thanksgiving weekend, I'm thankful for the opportunity to experience Heaven one day. And, I'm thankful for my new expectant heart to spend an eternity there! If you want more information on how I have the certainty of going to Heaven one day, please email me at jemarsz03@aol.com and I would love to chat about it more!

He Loves Me

2009-11-22T14:54:00.002-05:00

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:6-9 [emphasis mine]

The last several days I have been overwhelmed with a truth that seems to be such an elementary Christian principle...

God's love.

I'm not quite sure that I have ever felt this enveloped with His love as I have the last few days. As life hurries on by, I think about how I was supposed to be 17 weeks today, the holidays have somehow already shown up, and how I had an awkward conversation with someone I bumped into that asked me extremely random questions about my miscarriage...I feel an insane sense of God's pursuing love in a way I never have before.

I think it all started with the lines of the same worship songs that I have been listening to over and over and over again this last month. I have needed songs to push me to Jesus when I sure as heck don't feel like walking to Him. And, here's what I've kept hearing...

"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us" -David Crowder

"No one has ever known

This kind of love You've shown
There has never been a greater love
Than Your son
No, Not one" -Christy Nockels

"I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet" -David Crowder

"Fair is the sunshine, fairer still the moonlight

And, all the twinkling starry hosts

Jesus shines brighter, Jesus shines purer

Than all the angels Heaven can boast" -Christy Nockels

"And this is my prayer through the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me, Lord, through the flame

And, I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain" -Hillsong United

This last one, by Hillsong United, reminded me of those verses I put at the beginning. I want, no need, to have the faith that is proved more worth than gold. I do not want to go through all of this junk and not end up on the other side with this kind of faith. I really do want that kind of faith. I sure don't feel like I am anywhere near it right now. But, how much would it stink to look back on these moments a few years from now and think,

"Wow, that miscarriage really broke me. It broke me to the point of never being the same again. And, because of that, here I am. Miles and miles away from the One that tried to carry me through it."

And, beeeelieve me, I have been pretty close to having that statement be true of me.

Even though it's tough to think at times this could be possible, this is what I want to say to when I look back at these moments a few years from now,

"Wow, that miscarriage really broke me. It broke me to the point of never being the same again. And, because of that, here I am. I'm still resting in the arms of the One that carried me through it. That first baby He gave me has changed my life in a way that has forever brought people to His same redeeming love that He shed on me."

Oh Lord, let the second be said of me.

The other day, I thought a lot about how much I love John. Good grief, I can't even begin to express the depth of my love for that man. Sure, he drives me crazy sometimes (had to include that in there, husband!), but I have never felt such a strong love for another human being in my entire life. I would literally, 100% do anything for that man. And, I think my brain exploded when I thought of the simple fact that God loves me more than the love I have for John. Then, the tiny remaining pieces of my brain exploded again when I thought that God loves my baby more than I do. There's a strange peace that has come with these all so basic truths of the God I am so desperately trying to serve.

He just wants to me lay the junk down and really let Him love me through all of this. I'm not so good at that. I am an overachiever through and through. The thought of not doing 110% at something or displeasing someone's expectations of me can be more than enough to bear. And, from the moments I walked out of that doctor's office on October 6th, just trying to make it to the car before I lost it, I have felt like I have not handled this in my normal, over-spiritual self.

It's almost like when I totaled my car at the age of 17. I was so terrified to call my mom and tell her that my car was now smashed upside down after flipping three times. I thought, "oh crap, she's gonna KILL me". Of course I finally called and she never once mentioned anything about the car being totaled. She could care less because her daughter was okay. Once I got over the fact that I potentially disappointed my mom and realized that she just loved me and wanted to hug me and check to make sure I was okay, I was able to really let my mom hold me and I could cry and cry over how scared I was, how I didn't know what to do next. And, she completely accepted me. And, she never once mentioned all of the insurance woes, the money lost, the medical bills, etc.

That's how I feel right now. I'm finally getting over the fact that God doesn't care if I haven't read my Bible much through all of this. He doesn't care that I am not excited to sit in a pew and see a bunch of happy faces, complete with beautiful newborns getting pushed in a stroller. He doesn't blame me for this baby's death, even though I have struggled with that many times over, wondering if it's all my fault. Which, by the way, is ever so convenient for the enemy because my pit is always thinking everything is all my fault.

But, instead, my Jesus, He cares about me curling up in a ball and completely letting Him take care of me.

I am sitting here teary eyed right now just thinking about how much He loves me. How much He loves my husband. How much He loves my precious baby. How much He loves you. That one song up there by David Crowder, "All I Can Say", could have been written by me. Lord, I didn't even know You were right there crying with me, too. Even those times I cried out in severe anger and hurt towards You. I never knew You were crying, too. And, You still loved me...

Jesus, I've never seen You, but I do love You. Just like that verse. And, the crazy thing is, I know that you love me more than I could ever even begin to fathom. Help me to never ever become numb to the fact that You love me with a strong love. Teach me how to love my husband and others the way You desire for me to love them.

Another Stupid Day

2009-11-18T20:42:00.000-05:00

Can an inanimate object, like a day, be stupid? Technically, probably not. Realistically, absolutely, especially if you're talking about a day like today.

You know how one small thing can ruin a whole day? Whenever I'm out at a restaurant or holding a door for someone or whatever, I try to smile. I try to speak kind words. Now, a lot of times than not, I probably fail at this, but when I don't know someone well, I try to be sweeter than my normal self. Mainly because I know that you never know what someone else is going through. I even remember doing my best to be sweet to the poor ultrasound lady that discovered our baby stopped growing. For some reason I've been thinking about this a lot the last few days, but I remember thinking how tough it must be for her to have to break that news to someone. And, I remember telling her thank you several times, hoping that even just a glimmer of Jesus could shine through in those horrendous moments.

Yesterday, I had my first dentist appointment in a million years. I was scared to death. Not about the pain, but about everything that they might found wrong with my teeth (which was only one small cavity, praise Jesus!). The dental hygienist and the dentist were so amazingly sweet and made me feel really comfortable. The lady (the hygienist) was so precious. She had no idea that I was in tears, missing my baby on the way to her office. She had no idea that the last month and a half have officially been the hardest of my life. Heck, she never even knew that my current non-pregnant looking body was actually pregnant last month. But, she was so sweet and really put me in a brighter mood.

Now, with moments like those, come the complete opposite. Moments where you are just trying to live your life and get through the day. Today was actually one of my better days. So, tonight I actually styled my hair and put on a cute outfit. Lately, I put on a cute outfit and do my hair to try and help myself pretend that I am doing better than I actually feel. But, tonight I really did feel just that confident.

Then, the awkward comment from someone that probably doesn't even know I ran into another room to cover up my tears happened...

In my normal state of mind, I probably would have been annoyed at the conversation, but not duck for cover. But, instead, the most unsuspecting comments lately send me into tears over the actual thing or tears that I am not fully "back to normal" yet. I was just telling John the other day how I have never cried this much over something in my whole life. Part of that is probably because I normally don't cry all that much and the other being that I really am just that sad. And, I feel like I have walked my share of sad times, but nothing quite as bad as this.

In so many different situations, while life buzzes around as normal, I feel like I want to stand up on top of a chair and scream that I'm not okay. I want to scream that even though I dress cute some days or that I make it out to social functions sometimes or that I drag myself to church when bed feels more comfy... I'm not doing all right. Sure, overall, I recognize that I am one blessed woman. Things could be so much more terribly worse than they are; I wholeheartedly know that. And, in some moments, I really am doing good. But, there are definitely moments, usually around other people, where I just feel desperate to explain to everyone that I miss my baby. But, the even more awkward part about all of that is, I don't actually want to talk to them about it at all.

How weird is all of that? I am not even quite sure that any of it makes sense to my own self, let alone anyone else. I really do feel like I have no control over any of it. I still highly recommend C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed". In the second to last chapter, he talks about being on the other side of his grief; how he's never going to be 'over it' but that he's settled into a place of remembrance rather than piercing sadness. Then, at the end of that chapter, he writes about how all of that stuff was from yesterday and today life stinks again. I feel like I could have written that. If I wrote this blog earlier today, it would have been much more positive than this one. But, then tonight happened. Oh well.

And, in closing, I'll answer the question that I've heard from a lot of people :o) I know you guys are wondering, so it'll be much easier to just answer it here!

What's in the future? Are you going to go back to school? Or you going to try to conceive? Or what in the world is going on?

As many of you already know, I was supposed to start nursing school at the end of this past August. We found out we were expecting about a week and a half before classes started. Therefore, we decided to not go forward with the schooling at this time because we both wanted me to stay at home with our baybay. Well, obviously things are different now. As of right now, John and I actually discussed in some detail about me going the med school route again. (I was about to take the MCAT when I decided I wanted to stay at home with a family one day instead, then began looking at nursing school). But, we are a no on med school for now and a maybe later for nursing school. I haven't even looked into when I could go back to nursing school (like, if I would be put on a waiting list again). So, who knows, maybe one day on that! But, not anytime soon.

As for trying to conceive again, my body isn't even 100% back to normal from the D&C yet. It pretty much is, but not completely. If you read my mind one moment, then read it again a few moments later, it'll probably be two completely things. I am all over the place about that topic. And, therefore, I am probably not the most rational to make a decision on that quite yet. So, all of that to say, right now as I am typing this, I mourn my first child. I don't desire for another pregnancy or some other child to ever fill the void of my first baby. That's all I know for sure right now and that's all I can tell you with any certainty of the future. Like I've said before, this was not just a pregnancy loss for us, this was a loss of our child. Just like we had no idea what the future held the day we found out our baby stopped growing, we have no idea what the future holds now!

We love all of you and thanks for the continued prayers! I could really use them right now, it's been awfully crazy lately. But, more than anything, I am looking forward to eating like crazy over Thanksgiving break with John's family :o)

The Ants Have Taken Over!!

2009-11-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

So, our apartment has somehow been completely invaded by ants. The sneaky little guys must have been trained by the special forces of the military because about a million of them invaded completely unnoticed.

Until now.

Well, the war is on. John ran out to buy our own weapons to destroy them with until we can call the office in the morning to kill these terrorists. Hopefully our little traps will be sneakier than their own tactics and they will take the bait right on back to the queen. Wait...do ants have a queen? Hm, maybe they will win this war after all.

While John is currently on his hands and knees doing some spy work on these little buggers to see if they're taking on the bait yet, I'll fill you in on life lately (complete with Dancing With The Stars in the background...and Donny Osmond looks especially creepy this evening) I wanted to tell you guys and show you some pictures of some very special things. Let's see where to begin...

Do you remember the post several back about the hot pink daisy in a bouquet we received a day after the surgery? Well, in case you never read that post, or need a refresher, here's another picture:

We received a beautiful bouquet of fall colored flowers from John's family right after we lost the baby. I love anything fall and it was so pretty. But, I instantly noticed the most odd and out of place flower in a bouquet ever. There was a hot pink daisy among a bunch of garnet and gold. The second I saw it, the second I felt like it was in there for reason. While I was pregnant, especially towards the end, I really began to believe that we were going to have a little girl. So, when I saw the pink flower, I freaked out in my brain. I shared it with John some time before we lit the candle for our baby.

Like, I had said earlier, I am not going to bet anyone a million dollars guaranteeing that our baby was a girl. There's no way to know that. And, if I get to Heaven and am greeted by a precious boy, I am not going to be ticked that I clung to a pink flower in a random bouquet. But, it's helped me in this crazy grieving process. And, one more crazy thing happened...

I think it's been about 2 weeks now that we received a package in the mail. It was a Wednesday night, so I took it up to the church, so John and I opened it together. Inside was this beautiful painting...

This print was ordered by our friend BEFORE I ever posted anything about the pink daisy (and that's the only time I've "talked" about it with anyone except for John). Are you ready for this? This was painted by Freida Petty. Her paintings all come with a devotional. You can find her artwork at http://www.fpettyart.com This particular painting was painted after her daughter-in-law miscarried her baby. It's tough to see in this picture, but if you look closely in the center of the flower, you can see the ultrasound image painted there. Then, the devotional continues on to give encouragement to those that have suffered the loss of a child. Isn't that the most beautiful painting you've ever seen?? I absolutely love it!

Can you believe it's a pink daisy in this painting?? John and I even searched around on the internet to see if maybe pink daisies had something to do with miscarriages. Nope, nada. I just adore this painting and I am glad that our dear friend thought enough of us to go out of her way to get it! I am still in shock at how this whole pink daisy thing has happened. So weird! But, in a good way :o)

Now, here is the set-up on one of the shelves above our TV in the living room

We found the prettiest frame for the painting (which our friend included the cost in the package, so thoughtful! thank you again!). And, we decided to frame our ultrasound picture. We bought a frame for it last night. And, I want to find some pink filler sand to put in the bottom of the vase with the daisy. Sometime soon! But, we do plan to hold onto these four items. I don't want to forget our first baby. I don't want to push aside the life that God entrusted us with for 7 weeks and 5 days.

Sure, maybe one day the Lord will bless us with children that fulfill their purpose in longer than 7 weeks and 5 days. But, even if we decided to get pregnant right away and we did, that will never be our first child. He or she just won't and that's the reality. And, you know what? I'm finally becoming okay with that. I am finally reaching a place where I will probably accept that pretty soon. Not fully there, but I am closer than I was 4.5 weeks ago. Does it mean that I will stop being sad that I never got to hold my first baby? No, not at all. But, accepting the fact that God allowed it to happen will be a much more healed place to live.

I have no idea what God is planning for us in the future and I am still hurting that it doesn't include our first baby. But, if the Lord does bless us with more children some day, then they will always know that they have an older brother or sister in Heaven. So, for now, I am happy that our baby has at least one framed picture, a candle in his/her honor, a beautiful flower in a pretty vase, and a gorgeous painting. There's a peace in knowing there are physical items that will stay with us forever, on display, for everyone to see our first baby.

That's it for tonight!

Oh, the ants, I think we can't determine at the moment who is winning this battle. Well, John is currently playing a game on his iPhone while sitting in his chair. So, the lounging around either means he feels that he is winning and isn't worried about it OR it means that he's losing and has given up. Hmm, well at least they're in the living room and not our bedroom?

The Love of My Life!

2009-11-07T09:00:00.001-05:00

On November 7, 1983, the man of my dreams was born! And, the crazy thing is that I wasn't even born yet to be able to dream about him :o) I am so grateful that two people fell in love and brought my amazing husband into this world. I am forever grateful to the Lord and John's parents for bringing him into this world.

As we celebrate his birthday today, I am even more glad that he was born than I could have ever imagined. This time last year, we had only been dating a couple of months. Now, here we are married for 4 months! I am so glad he popped the question in February and I am so amazingly proud to be his wife.

He is so many things I wish I could be...he has a creativity that comes so naturally in his work. I am always taken aback by the videos he can create, his graphics, his webwork, everything! I always hoped that I would marry a man whose work I could be proud of and wow did I get what I wanted! I can sincerely say that I think he is the absolute best at what he does and not just because he's my husband ;o)

He takes care of me without thinking about it twice. My husband is such a great provider for us. He takes side jobs and makes whatever cut in his own part of our money if it means a new pair of jeans will lift my mood. I am so thankful that he would work so hard and consider providing for me and my security as his most important goal in life.

Through our yucky trial lately, he has taken care of me and done so many extra little things without even complaining once. I am a complaining type of person and am completely taken aback that he would selflessly take care of me, even when he's hurting himself. I am so in love that he would take care of me and not let me feel guilty for a second.

My husband would have made the absolute best father for our baby. When we were at Disney yesterday, we were in a store looking at all of the cutesy princess stuff when he said, "wow, if we ever have a little girl, we can't take her into this store. She would just have to look at me and ask me for something and I'll buy it! I would say, Ella, well, I mean, okay..." I just laughed and I know it's absolutely true. He will be the type of dad that I prayed many times for my future husband.

John, I never thought I could actually say this to be true, but I love you now more than ever. You know that fantastic song by Brad Paisley I always make you listen to? "Then"? It is so true. I couldn't stop staring when I first met you. I thought I loved you once we started dating. I thought I loved you the night you asked me to be your wife. I thought I loved you the day I married you. I thought I loved you the day I found out we were pregnant. I thought I loved you the day we lost the baby. I thought I loved you yesterday. But, I love you today more than any of those days. "What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more, but I've said that before..." I love you. One thing that I do know is that I am THE most grateful person on the planet today that you were born today 26 years ago. Thanks for walking life with me and I can't wait to walk the next 26 years with you...

He is There...

2009-11-06T23:16:00.001-05:00

Today John and I headed out to Disney to meet up with some co-workers of the church. It was not really planned on our end because I was supposed to babysit today, but it was cancelled last minute. First, we headed on over to Hollywood Studios (which actually may be John and I's favorite) and then we made our way to Epcot for the rest of the day.

The beginning of the day, the crew we were with hit up the thrill rides first. I have no shame in the fact that I hate, no loathe, any type of thrill ride. I could care less if other people wanna ride, but not my deal. Therefore, John and I grabbed some ice cream (yuummm, hot fudge is WAY better than Tower of Terror). Then, we wandered and did the Animation Studios tour which we've never done before. Once we were wrapping up our non-scary, but rather delightful venture into animation, we met up with the rest of the gang to watch the one and only Indiana Jones show. It's a pretty cool stunt show, not gonna lie. Sometimes I wish I could do cool stunts like falling off the side of a building, to really land on a bunch of mats. But, let's face reality, I would rather eat a hot fudge sundae then ride Tower of Terror which poses no real risk, so I would be the most scaredy cat stuntswoman in the world. Anyways, I digress...

So, there we are, Indiana Jones is about to start, we're in the third row and feeling like we're practically in the show and I'm holding up the end of the row. It's about to start, the music is pumping, Indiana is about the make his grand entrance by falling from the ceiling and it all hits me...

Noooo, not now. Please, just not now.

The last time John and I went to the show (which was my first time since I was a little girl) I was pregnant. I was pregnant and only a few people knew. The last time we were there I sat and wondered if our first child would be a little boy. I thought about how much John loved to dress up like Indiana Jones and how, if we had a little boy, we would absolutely need to buy him the whole get-up so he can be just like Indiana! I thought about how much his daddy would love to pretend and play Indiana Jones with his first son. I thought about how much his daddy would love to sit down with him one day and play him all of his old favorite movies, like Indiana Jones.

Out of nowhere, front and center in a stadium where hundreds of people are excited to be at Disney and to see this cool show, I start to panic. Then, the tears started.

Nooo, I can't do this here. Not right now...

I look in the two rows in front of us and there are three boys of different ages all in extreme awe as Indiana fell through the ceiling and navigated his way through a bunch of traps set up. They all sat there in the most innocent joy and really witnessed the magic that only Disney can create. And, I sat there crying and remembering that I'll never get to see my child have that kind of wonder. What things would have made our child react that way? What would he or she have wanted to dress up as? Would he or she be a scaredy cat like me when it comes to rollercoasters or have their daddy's "not a big deal" attitude about thrill rides?

Why don't I get to hold my baby?? Why?!

As soon as the tears began to come in thick, I buried my face in John's chest. I kept thinking, I hope no one sees me, especially the actor's on the stage! I honestly don't think anyone saw me, but I was balling my eyes out during a stupid show at Disney. I kept trying to catch my breath and I had so many moments where I thought, "what if I can't stop crying? Do I run up these metal stairs to try and get away?"

Then, I began thinking of a few random moments of insensitivity we've had from several people lately. I have no doubt in my mind that any of those moments were not meant to be harmful to us, but they keep ringing in my head. It keeps haunting me and I sometimes I wonder if it'll stop blaring in my brain. It's so hurtful and it's tough to know the right way to handle it. That's probably one of the things I am struggling with the most right now. I have no clue at all how to handle that and then I have very selfish moments thinking that I shouldn't have to handle anything right now except for the loss of our baby. I shouldn't have to deal with other people saying dumb things or not thinking of me first...how easy is it to think of only yourself admist a trial? Believe me, I still think I'm right about these situations and I can convince you with a million reasons why, but it shouldn't matter. It is the toughest for me to pursue righteousness in ALL situations when I can barely get out of bed. For lots of people they find it tough to pursue godliness when everything is just going normal, but I don't always cling to the Lord first in junkiness. That's when I go,

"Really, Lord? Are you kidding me? This person and that person don't even love You the way I love You! Haven't I been through enough before? I mean, seriously. I can give you a list of at least a hundred dark valleys I have walked through while remaining faithful and now this?"

And, I feel His reply ever so softly over and over and over again...

"Jennifer, I need you to trust Me. Look at My word. See anyone mentioned in there that didn't deal with junk in their own lives? This person and that person that you think are just skating through life, does that really have anything to do with YOUR relationship with ME? I have this under control...

I was there when you were pregnant and didn't even know it yet...

I was there when I formed those cells to come together and show off how I can create human life...

I was there when you took those tests and almost passed out wondering if you could be a good mom...

I was there when you were so nervous to tell John about your baby that I knew before I laid down the foundations of the earth...

I was there every time you felt ill as I was continuing to form your child...

I was there when you had that first ultrasound and every fear was laid to rest...

I was there when I formed that undying love in you as you watched your baby's beating heart and saw the little body I had made inside of you...

I was there when I allowed your baby to stop growing and you didn't even know it yet...

I was there when you cried out to Me on behalf of the child that you didn't even know was already with Me...

I was there when you were so excited to head to your doctor's appointment that horrible morning...

I was there when the worst fear you've had since a teenager of not being able to have children was realized as you witnessed your child's heart to be no longer beating...

I was there when you held onto the tissue that used to be your baby at 4:30am that horrible morning...

I was there when you were waiting for your surgery with more fear and devastation than you've ever felt before...

I have been there EVERY TIME you have fallen apart, every thought you've had of giving up, every insensitive comment from someone else, every conversation where you find it easier to make jokes of your miscarriage rather than deal with the devastating truth, every time you try to act like you have it all together when you would much rather crawl in a hole...

But, more importantly, I have been there every single time you have chosen not to turn to Me with all of your hurts and struggles. I am there and pursuing you when you don't choose to pursue Me. I love you. And, I love the baby I created for you and John more than you ever could...

Your husband is mine. Your baby is mine. And, YOU are mine. I'm not letting you go that easy. Hang on, we'll get there..."

Jesus, please, I beg you, please...hold my baby tonight. I don't know how all of that works and I could honestly not care about any theology at the moment. I just need You to hold my baby tonight. And, since You're God and all...can You hold me, too? I know You're already there and have been there, but please, just hold us both tonight.

Life As Of Late

2009-11-02T20:54:00.000-05:00

Has it really been this long since I've posted a blog?? I've thought about it several times if that counts for anything. There have been so many moments where time seems like it is flying by so fast in a whirlwind and there are other times where it feels like time is not moving at all. This is just such a strange place to be in, but I can't even explain how happy I get in the random moments of normalcy.

First, I will fill you in on the good stuff that's been happening lately! Probably the biggest thing has been that I got a part time job! Honestly, I think the only people that even know that are John and my mom. Before we were done housesitting, I had a total freakout moment that we were going back home and I would just be sitting around all day sad. Therefore, I went online and applied to Macy's for a seasonal part-time job. I interviewed two days later and she hired me on the spot. I was really looking for something that's not going to be a career or something that I could easily get out of if I hated it. I have already had orientation and tomorrow I have register training. I am actually really excited about it! It's nice to be looking forward to something. Hey, I decided to pick a hobby where we get some extra cash flow, instead of dishing money out for my momentary lapse of wanting to learn how to decorate cakes. I quickly reminded myself that I have no artistic talent whatsoever and it would probably be smarter to get money rather than spend more of it.

The second positive thing has been my workout schedule lately. I have been working out pretty regularly (which I completely ditched the second I got pregnant, haha). I can already see a little muscle definition in my arms which makes me sing hallelujah! You know how everyone has that one thing about their body where they think, "only if...". Well, I have always wanted what I call Kate from LOST arms. That's right, I want to randomly flex, I mean rest my arm over my head against a doorframe and make everyone say whooooa. Don't judge. And, I can say that I am closer now to that than I have ever been. Still not to the Kate from LOST status, but I'll keep ya updated.

The third positive thing would be the extra special gifts we have gotten recently. I want to dedicate a whole post to these two items, so I'll leave it there for now! The truth is, I want to take pictures of them and post them on here when I write about it. And, right now, I am too lazy to do that :o)

Now, for the yuckiness of life lately...

Last Tuesday evening, three weeks to the day that we found out our precious baby stopped growing, I completely lost it. Isn't strange how you can think that you've reached a certain milestone of being okay and then completely lose it all over again? Not even kidding y'all, one would've thought I had just found out. I had no idea I could cry like that again. The same kind of non-understandable noises I made the night of the miscarriage, came back again. I mean, I thought that kind of stuff was only movie material. Apparently not. John peeled me off the floor (I am pretty sure he thought something else was wrong in the beginning because it was so sudden, before I knew it was crying and screaming no, then hit the floor) and I laid down in bed. I tried to go to sleep and every time I closed my eyes, images were flooding through my brain all over again. Total, complete panic and heartbreak like the very first night. And, it just felt like everything was blurry. Again. I watched a bunch of TV with John until I finally passed out at who knows what time.

The next day (last Wednesday) was another complete blur. No shower. No makeup. Nothing but a t-shirt and gym pants. I know I smelled horrible. And, I don't doubt that I looked a mess. It's so funny though how when you're in the middle of something, you could stinking care less if you are presentable or not. I somehow found strength to go to church that night and when I came home and looked in the mirror, I had a flash to looking in the mirror the day of my surgery. I literally had no sleep the night before the surgery and when we had the miscarriage. When I looked in the mirror that day, I wanted to just cry all over again because I really didn't know someone could even physically look as heartbroken as I did that day. Well, apparently it can make a second appearance because last Wednesday was pretty rough, too.

I can honestly say that I did not walk that week with as much grace (if you want to call it that) as I did the week we actually did get the news. I have struggled through this, I am not going to lie to you. BUT, I can say that God has given my strength even in the moments where I refuse to recognize that it is coming directly from Him. He really is jealous for me. And, I feel it. Even when I don't want to know He's there, He shows up. There are some days where I feel like I am hanging by a thread, but I do know the One that's holding that thread.

There are some moments, in such extreme pain, that I find myself wondering if I will ever "get over this". I mean, "Come on, Jennifer. Big deal. You'll get the chance to have a baby one day. Other people have gotten through it without all of this fuss. There are so many people that didn't even know you were pregnant, so it's not even worth your own thought" Some moments, I feel so pulled in two directions. I know those thoughts are crazy, you don't have to tell me it's okay, I know the truth. It's just hard to feel the truth sometimes. I just need to ignore those thoughts or when someone is so completely insensitive (whether they realize they are or not), I need to let myself just be in those moments. John is so much at discernment. I have always declared that is the last of my spiritual gifting. Well, maybe mercy is the least and then discernment right above it :o) But he's so much better about sifting through dumb thoughts or people's intentions. Maybe it'll rub off on me some!

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we found out the news. Once again, feels like time is rushing by one day and the next it feels like time is standing still. But, despite my total breakdown last week, productive time really is helping to heal. And, I say productive meaning that John and I have both taken active parts in working through our grief rather than pushing it aside. Because, I do not believe that time heals anything. But, I think if you do things to heal, then over time, it helps. We're getting there, even though I would still consider myself pretty unstable, haha.

Love y'all and thank you for the continued prayers!! It helps to know that our precious little one was so loved :o)

Roses Among The Thorns

2009-10-21T13:07:00.006-04:00

Late last night, John said to me, "It's been a while since you've written a blog, right?" I laughed at the thought that 'it's been a while' for a blog has become a mere two days, haha. The past two days have been full of roller coaster ups and downs. For part of the day I'll feel great and the other part of the day I'll feel terrible. Dr. Peppy informed us that after the D&C it'll probably take 2 weeks before my hormones begin to equal out again. Two weeks will be tomorrow, so it'll be interesting to watch my moods the following week.

I have officially been in the anger phase of grief since about 2 days after the surgery. The funny thing is, I only have momentary lapses of being angry with God. I mostly just get mad at other people. The guy on the road that cut us off and laughed about it, the morons (excuse my name-calling) at Sears that could not seem to get their act together to help me simply get my oil changed so my mom could take me shopping to get my mind off of life, the retarded vacuum cleaner that I almost tripped over the other day, people's comments (even though they probably don't realize how bad it sounds) and the list goes on and on and on...In normal life, I can get pretty much keep my act together. But, right now, I feel like I need to purchase a punching bag to take out all of my anger. So, if you see me start to tense up, just run!! You might end up in my line of fire... ;o)

So, with all of the ridiculous-ness and my ticked off-ness, I have decided to make a list of all of the roses among the thorns lately. There have been so many tiny (and HUGE) blessings along the way that I can so easily dismiss when I start to get mad at the morons (whoops, am I still namecalling?) at Sears...

1) At 7 weeks 4 days, John and I rushed to the doctor's office because I had some bleeding and cramping. That's when everything was completely normal with baby Phillips. A strong heartbeat and growth on track. When the doctor had examined me before that ultrasound, he had told us that if we didn't see a heartbeat, we would not think the worst, but try to sit down and play around with the due date, maybe it just wasn't time for the heart to beat yet. If our little one's heart had not been beating yet, we probably would've had to wait at least a week for another ultrasound to check on the little one. That week would have been torturous, heck, that one day of questioning was terrible enough. So, John and I have both said how happy we were that our first ultrasound was okay.

2) We were both glad (doesn't seem like the right word considering the situation, but you get the idea) that we were blindsided with the situation in the best way. We weren't planning on the ultrasound that day and we didn't suspect one bad thing. I mean, John wasn't even going to come to that appointment! I told him to just skip it, I am so glad that God changed my mind to have him come to that visit. If we would've found out the bad news that first ultrasound, we were already a wreck so it probably wouldn't have been the best. But, the fact that we were blindsided, kinda helped us from wailing and making a scene in the doctor's office.

3) Also, I began to bleed a little right after that doctor's appointment (when we found out) and the very next night, the heavy bleeding began. I could not imagine the terror if our doctor's appointment was just a few days later, we thought nothing was wrong, and then I started bleeding and cramping so heavy in the middle of the night. God timed our doctor's appointment perfectly with us finding out the news.

4) As strange as this sounds, we are glad I began bleeding and had the baby at home the day before the D&C. We strongly felt the D&C was the right decision (and still do), but we were glad that the Lord let us experience both. That way, we didn't have any second guesses if our little one still had a chance or not.

5) God gave us a wonderful doctor that we had never even met 3 months ago. He has been excited with us, mourned with us, and cheered us on for the future. I actually shadowed an obstetric unit for a week in my pre-med days and I know how woman after woman comes in with miscarriages. I know that Dr. Peppy sees healthy pregnant women all the time and also has to break bad news to people all the time. Yet, it doesn't change his level of excitement or his level of grief for each individual baby. It's been nice to feel like a friend instead of just another patient. Is it weird that the only reason I have wanted to get pregnant again right away is to be back in Dr. Peppy's office? Don't tell him how weird I am :o)

6) John and I have the strongest marriage of any 3 month newlywed I have ever met! In our extremely short time of marriage, we have celebrated the excitement of having our first child. We dreamt together of whom our child will take after, will he or she have curly hair?, and how much we loved a clump of splitting and reproducing cells. And, we have also walked the torment of losing our first child. We never prepared for this road before we got married and I think we've done pretty good. We have balled our eyes out together, we've done our best to be strong when the other one is weak, we have had our arguments out of grief where we both just end up crying because we're just dealing with that anger I talked about, and we have lifted each other up before the Lord when the one doesn't have strength to lift their own self up. I had NO idea that I could ever love John more than I did on our wedding day. Wow, was I wrong! I thought I loved him then, but I would walk the lowest of valley's with that man any day (even though I hope for more mountaintops!).

7) Our housesitting gig, while completely crazy at times, has been a good thing. I had my surgery on Thursday and that Sunday was our first day of housesitting. It's been good to not be at home. I am a little scared to go back and be there every day, but God will give me the strength when it's time. But, our housesitting was at the perfect time to feel like I am on a mini vacation! It'll be even better tomorrow when I am finally allowed to go swimming in their pretty pool :o)

8) We kept our pregnancy a secret in the beginning for a reason. If we happened to miscarry we didn't want a million people saying how sorry they were (still feel that way), BUT our story has helped a lot of people. I have been shocked at how many texts, Facebook messages, emails, calls, etc I have received from people that have found some solace in these blog posts. Honestly, I began writing my feelings on here because it was easier to tell people to go check the blog rather than say our baby died. And, it's been helpful for me to think through my feelings every day and get them written out. And, we decided to make these journals public because that way I don't have to answer a hundred questions of how we are doing. Also, it's easier for out of town family to feel like they are walking this right next to us to know how we're doing everyday. But, I had no clue how many people would be encouraged in the Lord through some of my ramblings on here. And, the coolest thing is that most of those people are not dealing with a miscarriage right now but some have a husband that walked out on them, some are dealing with depression, some have a long term illness, some have just plain not been following Jesus in everything that they should, and the list goes on. So, even though I was really upset at first that God would allow us to tell people about our pregnancy and then a week later find out all of this, He knew what He was doing. He knew that people needed to watch us go through our grief so that they may grow closer to the One that created them (and our baby!). It has been crazy to see some of the responses and know that I am praying for you!

9) The Lord has shaken me up to realize my always constant desperate need of Him. My quiet times were haphazard during the pregnancy and my reason was because I was "just too sick". I think my prayer life kept up enough to par, but reading my Bible and my involvement in church dwindled. Now, while I do believe there is some validity to being too sick for some things and God understands, I knew I could have done more and God was asking me to and I didn't. God forgives and I have moved past that, but God has used this yucky situation to realize that I am always in desperate need of Him. Yes, I really do mean always...good times and bad times, just as much desperate need of Him. God is teaching me a lot and I am thankful for that.

10) Last, but not least, the Lord gave us the most precious first child we could have ever asked Him for. The last two days I have thought a lot about the fact that this child had the chance to go straight to Heaven. I mean, could a mother really ask for anything more? My baby never had to learn from me how to follow Jesus, baby Phillips now has the chance to learn from Jesus Himself. Of course I still wish I had the chance to teach Jesus to our little one, but our foremost prayer before this child was even conceived was that our children would come to know the Lord at an early age. While I never imagined this would happen, our first baby followed Jesus at such an early age! And, in the words of King David after he lost his baby, "But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me." (2 Samuel 12:23) Yes, I wish our baby could come back to me, but instead I will go to you one day baby Phillips.

Beautiful Weather Tries to Heal a Torn Heart

2009-10-18T18:08:00.003-04:00

I am not sure that the weather could be any more perfect right at this moment. I just let the dogs out to do their business (still housesitting) and I didn't want to come back inside. The sun is beginning to set, so there's a perfect glow and a crisp wind blowing around. I can't believe how perfect those few moments felt. No near panic attacks (like earlier today at church), no saddened heart over what's been lost, no wondering what our next step should be, no avoiding phone calls like I've done the last 24 hours (I love all of you, I'm just not sure I have much to say right now), no sadness, just a momentary feeling like all was right with the world. I wish I could just bottle up this weather so that whenever I have a day like this one, I can at least have the weather to cheer me up. Even if it's just a few moments of feeling like my life isn't completely upside down, I'll take it!

Today was another day where I woke up and knew it wouldn't be good. But, I really did my best to push that feeling away and get excited for church. Yes, I have made it the last two weeks. John and I saw our senior pastor in the back hallway right as the service was beginning. He spotted us and the second he made eye contact with us, I had to fight tears. I was pretty close to losing it in the hallway. Golly, how quickly I can turn from holding it all together, to near meltdown. It just felt so safe to be upset right in that moment. Our senior pastor is an extremely caring and godly man, so it felt okay to have a weak moment in front of him. He told us he had been praying for us (he called John last week and prayed over the phone) and we are meeting with him tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to it, I think it'll be good. And, I still plan to follow my no mascara rule of the last two weeks, because I never know when I am going to cry! While black tears would probably accurately show how I feel, the streaky aftermath is not so attractive :o)

Church got me thinking today about joy. I sat down in the back row (so many back row Baptists jokes went through my head as we sat there today, but I digress...) and stayed in my seat while I everyone reached their feet and clapped over God giving joy in the middle of bad times. I am not joyful right now and I think that's okay. Follow me here...I have a lot to be joyful about and I am grateful to the Lord for so many blessings (including many blessings He has given through this storm). But, I am not to the stage of dancing around the building in rejoicing to the Lord. The Bible says to "Rejoice always and again I say rejoice", but, I also know that there is a "time and season for everything under Heaven", including grief. Like I said earlier, "weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning". Currently, I am still in the nighttime. And, I believe that God's okay with that. You know how I know?

Jesus.

Before He died on that cross, He asked the Father if there was any way that cup could be removed from Him. He wasn't exactly doing cartwheels of joy in the garden when He was getting ready to die for the sins of the world. The Father let Him know that this was the only way. And, Jesus did it. I don't believe He did through rejoicing that He was so glad He could through this. His rejoicing in those horrendous hours, were through His obedience. He displayed His love for God and for creation by simply walking where God told Him to walk, even when He didn't want to. And, that's what I am doing. I've already asked God if there was another way (after that dreaded ultrasound) and you know what? He said no. Is it the way I wanted to do things? Absolutely not. But, the only thing I know, is that I am walking the road God Himself has asked me to walk on. And, it ain't pretty. But, the cross wasn't pretty either. That tomb didn't start out very pretty either. But, because of the obedience of Jesus, that tomb AND that hideous cross, became the most beautiful symbols this world could ever see. Oh, praise God that Sunday came in full glory! My Sunday is not here yet, but I know that it will. I know that God has the ability to ask us to walk dark roads, but that ability also takes our dark roads and "works it together for good".

I've already seen small glimpses of God's 'working together for good' business, but I know there's more. I also know there's a lot more that I won't see or understand this side of Heaven. And, Jesus felt even lower than me at a point in time. Therefore, I think He was okay with the fact that I didn't jump to my feet with "hallelujah's" this morning. But, He sees my heart pursuing Him and chasing Him and just flat out needing Him right now. He'll bring the joy back in my life. He already gave me a glimpse tonight when I just stepped outside for a few minutes.

I am so thankful that Jesus gave me a true picture of brokenness. It's okay to be broken and to ask for a way out, but if that way out doesn't come, you walk that road. And, at the end of the hurtful road, God works it all out to be a beautiful picture of how He redeems things for good. Oh Lord, redeem this situation for good!!!

Check Out This New Setup!

2009-10-17T21:35:00.001-04:00

My husband turned my blog into something pretty! I just love it! One more reason why I love my husband: he knows how to do computer stuff, while I just give up after one try, haha. So, thank you Mr. John Phillips for making my blog all beautified!

You know how some days you wake up and just know it's going to be a yucky day? That was me today. Literally, from the second I woke up, I felt sad. I mean, come on! Usually it takes a good 30 minutes or an hour until I realize that nothing has changed and my baby is still gone. But, this morning, my lovely brain decided to remind me of the truth within 10 seconds. I sincerely have moments where I freak out and think that these feelings will never end. For example, today I thought much about if or when we get pregnant again. Will I still miss my first baby this much? Every time I take my child to Sunday school or marvel at his/her first steps, will I wish that I also had the chance to see my first baby do those things? Sure, I believe that time will heal a lot, but will I ever really get over the fact that I never got to hold my first child? I don't really believe that there are answers to these questions, but this is just a dumb situation.

Today, John and I went to Disney's Animal Kingdom. I wanted to get out of the house and kick my sad attitude in the butt. Didn't work as well as I would have liked. But, John and I did share some laughs, so I guess it was still worth it. But, several times, when I saw a pregnant woman or a newborn I wondered why I didn't get the chance to have this baby? Once again, not the idea of being pregnant or having a baby (I am praying God blesses us with that in the future), but why I couldn't have THAT baby, my FIRST child. Luckily, those thoughts never stay long. Usually, pretty quickly, the Lord reminds of the fact that He's in control and He has a plan and purpose for every child He has ever created, including my baby. I have no idea what my baby's plan or purpose was, but I am sure it has something to do with teaching mommy and daddy some lessons in how to pursue Jesus on a greater level.

If today wasn't ridiculous enough, I can barely walk. That's right, I am hobbling around like someone that had leg surgery a week ago and not a D&C. Yesterday was a pretty good day, John and I just lounged around all day. It was nice to rest all day because the last few days were pretty tiring. I got the bright idea to begin my workout regimen again in full speed. I am officially insane! I can't even describe how sore I am right now! I did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday and I think that my ultimate problem is that I used weights that were too heavy. Also, I just plain pushed myself too hard. For the first time ever working out, I felt extremely sick to my stomach. It took about an hour before I felt normal again. Originally I planned to begin the workout every day. But, there was no possible way I could have done that again today. As soon as I'm not this sore, I'll pick back up on the workouts.

Now, for the happier parts of my day! God provides blessings even during heartache. God is still good, even when I complain for most of the day. Well, I got my bracelet today!! Remember the one I told you about? It has three charms, one representing when we conceived (including a crystal in the color of the month we conceived, August), one representing when our baby was transformed (including a crystal of the month we miscarried, October), and one representing when our baby was supposed to be due (including a crystal of the month of our due date, May). I love it! It turned out so well and I am glad it's on my wrist already. Here is a picture!

Here is my new beautiful bracelet! I found it at www.myforeverchild.com

Another blessing today was a package I received from a family that recently moved away from Orlando. I was so blown away that they took the time to send us a gift! It is so precious and I am so taken aback that they thought of us. They sent us "The Clinging Cross". It is a cross that is shaped and formed to fit inside the palm of your hand. It was made to have a tangible way to hold onto the cross when you're going through a tough time. I love it! It fits so perfectly in the palm of my hand and I have no doubt that I'll use it a lot in the near future. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I use it a bunch tonight. Thank you so much for our beautiful gift, Mr. and Mrs. Murray! Here are some pictures!

And, here's how it fits in the palm of my hand

I received even more contacts today of people that lit a candle for baby Phillips! Still so overwhelmingly blessed by all of you! And, if you did it and haven't told us yet, please let us know! I would love to include your name in our baby's scrapbook. As usual, we are so thankful for all of you. We'll keep you up to date and we are praying that God blesses each one of you this evening :o)

Lit Candles

2009-10-16T12:10:00.006-04:00

Wow. So many people have told us that they lit candles last night in memory of baby Phillips and all of the other precious babies that have passed on to be with Jesus. It has been so encouraging. I fought tears today as three of those people sent us pictures of their candles. We do plan to include those pictures in our scrapbook. I wanted to show all of you the pictures we were sent. And, I also want to say thanks to the people that did light a candle without sending a picture. There are so many more of you that participated and it's been overwhelming. We are such an incredibly blessed couple!

Here is Mary Margaret's candle

Here is the candle from the Chesser household (love the beautiful sign!!)

And, finally, here's the candle from Nana and Pop's house (John's parents)

Baby Phillips was one loved little child. It's been comforting to have people walk this with us. It's nice to know that there are people out there grieving with us. I am hoping to get my bracelet (that I talked about in an earlier post) this weekend. If not, I guess I can make it until next week. Love you guys and thank you again for thinking of all three of us last night!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2009-10-15T22:49:00.017-04:00

Today has been rough. Last night, starting around 1:00am we really started to feel yucky again. Yesterday, I had a fairly good day. But, once we were all settled in at home, we both had a tough time. We had a long conversation about what to do next and we still just don't have that answer. We know it'll come. But, when we woke up this morning, the feeling of despair was still hanging around. Ugh, what a terrible way to wake up.

I had a lunch with a dear friend today. We hadn't caught up since before the wedding, so it was nice to chat. I know I probably took over most of the conversation, but she didn't seem to mind. It was a real encouragement to have someone say that it's okay to feel this hurt over losing our first child. And, it was super fun to be distracted by the store opening of H&M at the Florida Mall. It was a confirmation to know that God must be exist, I mean, we have an H&M now!! Haha, no shopping, but it was fun to be there for the grand opening.

After leaving lunch and the mall, my feelings started to go south again. Oh well, I guess I should expect that some days will be better (yesterday and the day before) and some days I'll wish that I could just lay in my bed and cry all day. But, I just kept thinking about lighting our candle tonight in honor of baby Phillips. Here are some pictures...

This first one I found still on my camera from the day that I surprised John with the pregnancy. I finally had gotten the surprise out (I didn't make it past 24 hours before constructing my elaborate scheme) and we made it home to relax. I believe this picture was taken pretty late that night, because we spent the afternoon celebrating and telling our immediate families

Here's our set-up before lighting the candle. Around 6:00pm we read lots of Scripture together and both prayed. As soon as we said amen, it was already 6:58pm.

Then, we lit our candle and honestly just sat in silence for several moments. There wasn't much to say and it was tough to know what to do next

The day of my surgery, we were sent a bouquet of flowers. The bouquet was all fall colors which I love. It was mostly gold and maroon colored flowers. But, there was one random hot pink flower in the bouquet. It doesn't match at all and honestly appears to be a huge mistake in the bouquet

The second I saw that flower I just had an overwhelming thought that it had to do with our baby. I told John later (not right away because I didn't want him to think I was totally nuts) that the pink flower makes me think that our first baby was a girl. It's funny because earlier in the pregnancy I told him that I thought we were going to have a girl. Do I believe 100% that our baby was a girl? No, there's not a way to know that. But, I do believe that God allowed that random pink flower to help me in my healing. You may think I'm crazy, but that's okay. If I get to Heaven and I see that we were given a precious baby boy as our first child, I doubt I'm going to be complaining to God that he gave me a pink flower in my bouquet. So, that's how I'm reconciling my craziness :o)

One of the many passages we read tonight was out of Job 3. It's been a big comfort this last week. Basically, Job is saying how he wishes he had never been born. And, in his rantings to the Lord, he tells Him that it would have been better for him to be a stillborn baby because at least he would have been in a place of peace. It's nice to know that my stillborn baby is in a coveted place of peace

After John and I talked about our baby for a while and how crazy all of this is, we decided to pull out our ultrasound picture. I hadn't seen it since all of this happened. It was nice to remember how precious that day was. It was so beautiful to see our little baby and the precious beating heart. John and I both talked a lot that day about our baby's little arms. They were so cute!

It's been a tough day and night, but my husband is amazing. Wow, God really gave me more than I could have ever asked for. I love him so very much and this really has brought us closer together. I am so glad that this terrible situation has drawn us closer rather than apart. He's a great man and I'm glad he's my baby daddy :o)

I wanted you all to be able to see the stuff we bought for our baby's scrapbook. On the left, I put the two different kinds of paper we bought for it. One is light blue with little green and brown polka dots. The other is light pink with different shades of pink stripes on it. The pages of our book will alternate between these two sheets. For the first sheet we brought a green page and the last page a teal one.

In closing, we read Revelation 21:1-7. Then, we blew out the candle. The candle is now on its stand and proudly displayed on one of our shelves above the television. One day, there will be no more pain and no more tears. And, Jesus will be highly exalted in His rightful place. I got the chills as we read that passage. Just to read the words that Jesus had conquered everything once and for all. I began to picture that day in Heaven. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I greatly anticipate Heaven one day. Sure I have always been excited about it, but now is different. I used to live under the mindset that I just wanted to get married first, have babies, and have grandbabies before going to Heaven. But, Jesus reminded me tonight that He reigns supreme. And, I was reminded that His reigning is more glorious than anything I could ever find on earth. Also, of course, I am happy to know that when I do get to Heaven, I'll have my baby's beautiful face to greet me.

For all of you that lit a candle tonight, you were very encouraging to us. We love you and are so glad that you would honor baby Phillips and all of the other fallen babies of this world. And, we still covet your prayers as it has now been an official week since our baby was miscarried. But, Jesus is STILL fairer today!

I Can't Imagine Heaven's Lullabies

2009-10-14T16:28:00.005-04:00

Today has been a little bit better. I had my post-op appointment and it was great to see my doctor today. He is so precious and we are very thankful for him. He answered every question we had and he was so tenderhearted to us. It was a good appointment, although we had an interesting encounter at the reception desk. The lady said, "Oh, you're here for post-partum, where's your baby?!" She seemed so excited, I wasn't quite sure how to respond. It didn't make me upset at all, it never makes me upset to get congratulations. People are excited for us, they just don't know that we're not excited any more. I never know how to explain the truth of our situation now. I just don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. So, I just responded with an awkward, "Well, we miscarried our baby," and she seemed apologetic and quickly dropped the subject. I told Dr. Peppy about it laughingly and he felt sad for us. I told him that it really was fine.

I had one almost breakdown today in the middle of Target. Can we say awkward?? I randomly decided that I wanted a new pair of jeans for today. I already had a new top that I had bought on clearance before we knew anything was wrong with baby Phillips. It's nice and baggy (part of the style) and figured it would be a good one for a growing belly in our near future. Well, I decided I wanted to wear that today, but that I wanted some cute jeans to go with it. I figured that if I felt cute today walking into that doctor's appointment, it would help to know that I will conquer all of this sooner.

Of course I decided to go to Target when I only had about 20 minutes to shop before I needed to get home and get ready for the appointment. And, of course they didn't have exactly what I was looking for. Um, how in the world did I forget that I HATE going jean shopping on a really good day, so why would I go when I'm in the middle of all of this? I called John in a panic. I started tearing up and pacing around the store (I am sure I freaked out any nearby customers). He encouraged me to just get the pair that kind of fit and that if I didn't like them with my shirt, we could return them. So, I did. And, got a necklace in case the jeans were a bust :o) The jeans look great with the shirt and they will fit a little better when I lose my now remaining two pounds!

I didn't get the chance to tell all of you about what John and I did last night. I got a little sidetracked with letting everyone know to please not share their miscarriage story to us, unless I ask for it right now. And, I do still stand by that right now. Please try and understand. But, anyways, I digress :o)

We went to Michael's last night (with no coupon, blah! I was cringing!). We bought a beautiful white pillar candle and a cute silver stand for it. We plan to use it tomorrow, October 15th, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. The idea is to have people light a candle at 7:00pm in remembrance of all of the babies that have been lost and that there would be a candle lit all over the world the entire day. John and I will be lighting our beautiful, new candle tomorrow night in remembrance of our first child. I think it's going to provide a lot of healing. It didn't take us too long to pick out the candle and stand which I am grateful for. I thought I would breakdown during the process, but it was actually healing to pick out the candle to honor our baby with. We would love for you to light a candle tomorrow evening in remembrance of baby Phillips and all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage and many other sad things of our fallen world. And, please let us know if you participate, we would love to hear about it.

Also, we bought a beautiful baby scrapbook. We decided to go ahead and make the scrapbook of all of our memories from this pregnancy. I just remember thinking that this was the last time I could buy anything for this baby. What a devastating thought. But, I held it all together and it was such a beautiful experience to pick out pretty stickers for the book. Normally with scrapbooks, I pick the cheapest stickers and get whatever is on sale. This time, I went out of my normal clearance buying self and bought the stickers that I felt were just perfect. I also loved the fact that John helped to pick everything out as well. He did such a great job and contributed to so much of it. I loved that it was the both of us trying to figure out the best way to remember our baby. So, overall it was such a healing experience and just confirmed the fact that we are supposed to do the book. If we do have children later on, we will be able to show them the book and explain to them that they have an older brother or sister that is now in Heaven.

We love all of you very much! Seriously, I cannot even explain how precious all of you are. And, I have heard so many heartbreaking stories from so many of you, including many that are not pregnancy related. I am glad to know that the Lord is using our healing process to heal others of so many different things. Just keep praying for us as we are beginning to feel like we are actually able to get through the day now. Heck, I did my hair today and actually put some powder on my face! The pain still runs deep but there's been a comfort in the mundane things of returning back to the same schedule as before all of this happened.

I can't even begin to imagine Heavens lullabies, but am so glad that baby Phillips is experiencing it right now. We love you precious baby!

Morning Will Come

2009-10-13T23:01:00.007-04:00

It's been one week since we found out about the news. I am shocked at how I made it through the day. I actually only teared up once today! That's huge, considering that I have cried at least once a day since the news hit us. John had a tougher day than I did, so I guess it's good that we both seem to take turns for the tough moments.

I spent time with two precious friends today and their beautiful children. They were homeschooling and took some chunks out of their day to let me hang out with the kiddos. One of the moments that brought a chuckle out was when the little ones decided to talk about my pregnancy. That probably seems like it would have made me cry, but it actually made me laugh. The 4 year old said, "I heard you're pregnant!!" I had no idea what to respond, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But, I just responded, "Well, not anymore." He seemed confused and I told him that one day I will have a baby. He said, "Oh yeah, one day," as though it made total sense. Then, several moments passed and the 2 year old said, "You having your baby on Friday?" I laughed at how random that was and said, "No, no baby this Friday." He then said, "You having it on Monday or Tuesday?" I laughed and said "No baby for a looooong time". Then, the 4 year old jumped back in with, "Yeeeaah, not for a long time!" I proceeded to tell them, "Look at my belly, there's not one there! I can't be having a baby on Friday when there's no belly there!" And, the 4 year old said, "Yeeeaaah, no belly! You have to have a belly!" He seemed satisfied with my response. I must admit that I was a little scared he would say that I did have a belly, haha. But, at least I'm still skinny in his eyes :o)

As funny as that story was to me, it made me happy to have a 4 year old and a 2 year old that understand me not wanting to have a baby for a long time. So many people have told me of their miscarriage stories. I am so saddened to hear them and that my story brings up prior pain for so many people. There are three women that I have asked to hear their story. And, each one is such a unique story, with three totally different outcomes. While I have been comforted to hear so many of your stories, I would ask that you please hold off on those right now. My heart breaks at what I have just asked you, but please try to understand. Please try to remind yourself of the pain you felt that first week after miscarriage (that's right, it hasn't even been a week! Baby Phillips was officially miscarried last Thursday). I have been very overwhelmed at so many stories. And, I am not sure that I can put my finger on it right now. Maybe my own grief is too deep that I feel like I can't bear the load of anyone else's story just yet.

I also think that part of it is that people get transported back to their own painful story and almost get lost in the recounting of their own prior grief. And, through that, they share their particular outcome. And, a lot of times it includes another pregnancy soon after their miscarriage. Praise Jesus for His ability to turn really bad things into good!! But, hearing those stories right now make me happy for that individual and then reminds me of my currently empty womb. I didn't just want to be pregnant, I wanted to be able to hold my first baby and I will never be able to do that. Currently, John and I are not planning to try to conceive when we get the okay from the doctor. Neither of us want the stress of "trying" and we also want as much time as we need to grieve this first baby of ours. If the Lord busted through that idea and gave us a baby, we would be SO grateful. But, right now, it just feels like that would just be us trying to make a band-aid for our current heartache.

I have heard several stories of people that had a miscarriage, got pregnant again soon after, and now they have that precious child. Isn't that just so cool of God to 'work all things together for good'? But, that's exactly what it is. God did not desire for baby Phillips to die. The reality is, we live in a sinful, fallen, and dying world. And, God allowed for our precious baby to succumb to the effects of that sooner than we would have liked. I find it hard to think that God "messed up" in creating our first baby and wanted to clean the slate to try again. Then, He would have us try to get pregnant again fast and let us have that baby because He didn't have that one die. I don't believe that people try to portray that with their story, but depending on how it's told, sometimes that is how I interpret it. Ultimately, it is just the depth of my own emotion right now (and the hormones that are shifting all over the place). While I am so very serious in that I have loved hearing your beautifully woven stories, I am too weak to hear them right now. Please know that my heart breaks for all of the lost babies in this fallen world, but unfortunately, I am just not strong enough yet to hear all of the heartbreaking stories.

I hope that makes sense without offending anyone's grieving process. One thing I have learned through all of this is how differently people work through grief and how that's okay. You may think it's crazy that I don't want to get pregnant right away after this and I may think I'm not strong enough to live your story of being able to try to conceive again right away. And, the cool thing is that God comforts us all and leads each of us in the way He wants us to go. I just pray that John and I will be obedient in whatever His next step is for us.

Tomorrow is my post-op appointment with Dr. Peppy. I have a list of questions (haha, poor guy) and am glad to update him on our progress so far. He is a great doctor and I am really hoping that he gives me clearance to start exercising and to start swimming! We are housesitting right now and the people have a beautiful pool that I am dying to try! And, I am ready to exercise to get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I am 4 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight (2 from the pregnancy and 2 from my comfort food this last week, haha).

Last, but not least, one of the friends I visited today gave me a book about miscarriages. I had asked her if she had any good books (because she has walked this before) and she gave me a copy of one she really liked. I just kinda threw it in my purse without looking at it. When, I came home, I instantly fell in love with the cover! That's right, I haven't even read any of it yet, but it's already encouraged me so much. The title is, "Morning Will Come" and it has Psalm 30:5 on the front, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." When trying to describe this season of life, it just feels so dark, pitch black. And, just the realization that the morning will come has overwhelmed me with excitement! I also realized that part of that excitement is because of Christ's death and resurrection. Oh, how dark it was on that Friday, pitch black. There was much weeping and it seemed like the darkness would never end. But, the light eventually came on that Sunday. And, everything has been better because of it!

I know that the morning will come and I am anxiously awaiting for it to get here...

Oh, How He Loves Us

2009-10-12T16:52:00.003-04:00

Oh, how Jesus loves us. Notice that today's post is much earlier than usual. Looks like the darkness decided to creep up a little earlier today. Oh well. Our sense of time is so off anyways. But, regardless of what day it is or what time the hurt begins to surface, it's been neat to feel God's love. Even when I get so upset that I cannot think on Him, I know deep down that He's thinking of us. God never intended for things like this to happen. Oh, to take a time machine back to the Garden of Eden and beg Adam and Eve to just not listen to the serpent. But, hey, I can't blame them. I have listened to the serpent way too many times in my own life to even try to think that I would have done anything different. But, overall, I know that God understands my feelings of despair.

I read more of C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" today. Wow. A man that will always be deemed as one of the intellectual giants of the Christian faith even had moments of deep grief and despair. It's comforting to read the words of a great giant in the faith and to know that my own grief doesn't even compare to some of the words he has written in this book. It's helped John and I to know that it could even be worse than this (even though that's hard to believe). Here's an excerpt from the book that I found astonishing today...

"...don't come to me talking about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand. Unless, of course, you can literally believe all that stuff about family reunions 'on the further shore', pictured in entirely earthly terms. But that is all unscriptural, all out of bad hymns and lithographs. There's not a word of it in the Bible. And it rings false. We know it couldn't be like that. Reality never repeats. The exact same thing is never taken away and given back. How well the spiritualists bait their hook! 'Things on this side are not so different after all.' There are cigars in Heaven. For that is what we should all like. The happy past restored.

...'Do not mourn like those that have no hope.' It astonishes me, the way we are invited to apply to ourselves words so obviously addressed to our betters. What St. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better than the dead, and the dead better than themselves. If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild."

Wow. He's a lot smarter than me! Haha, and a whole lot better at articulating the truth of my current pain. Sure, I know that my dead child is in Heaven and that I can still have my chief purpose of glorifying God. But, the motherhood I was planning to understand more in the month of May, is causing me the pain. Will I probably get to experience that at some point in my life? I pray the answer is yes. But, it just won't be the way I thought. All in all, it's an awesome book and definitely a lot of "Whoooaaa" moments. Amazing that such an intelligent and Christ-filled man felt so alone.

Today, I've thought a lot about last Monday. It was the last time I was pregnant and happy. As I already said in an earlier post, I went to the store to buy cutesy Fall decorations for our apartment door. As I walked the aisles I dreamed about adding to our seasonal decorations more and more for our precious baby to be able to experience all of the seasons as much as possible. And, I talked about how I wandered the baby aisle of the scrapbooking section and admired the baby stickers I would be buying very soon.

Also, on Monday, I met my mother on the other side of town in the afternoon. She bought John and I an antenna for our television. She was horrified at the fact that we had no television channels and took it upon herself to bless us with an antenna to get the local channels :o) On my way to meet her, I listened to two songs. The first was "Center" by Charlie Hall. This was the song sung as I walked down the aisle towards John at our wedding. I listened to the song and got teary as I prayed that God would make me a better wife. I actually talked with John later that night about how I felt like I needed to start to make more effort to be a Godly wife. Of course, he said I already was a Godly wife, but I confessed to him that I needed to cover him more in prayer than I had been our first 2 months.

The second song I listened to was "Fix You" by Coldplay. I started to really cry at this song. I was thinking about our baby at lyrics like this, "When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. And, the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Lights will guide you home, ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you." I cried and cried and sang this to my baby. I had no idea that there was something wrong that I couldn't fix. I didn't know that my baby had already passed the point of "fixing". Oh, how I sang that song several times through in the car that last Monday. And, I meant every word. I had pictured holding our baby as he or she cried and couldn't be calmed down. How I would try everything to fix the situation. I thought about our child's first heartbreak and how I would try to pick up the pieces. I had no idea I wouldn't get that chance.

But, the good news, is that Jesus knows how to fix that better than me. And, currently, He's been given the job completely and not me! I wish I could be the one He used to hold my baby and bring comfort and fix baby Phillips. But, God had different plans. And, I'm working on fully accepting that.

Oh, how last Monday is seeming farther and farther away. Tomorrow I know I will wake up with the first thought that it's been a week since the news. But, I am going to think on last Monday as long as I can.

All of this sad talk is making me hungry for dinner. I think it's time to heat up the pasta shells that a dear friend made for us. Once again, we love all of you and are so thankful to have you with us!! It's been a tough road, but I know the sunlight will come again before know it. Until then, we're learning how to live life and love Jesus in the darkness. We genuinely hope that all of you had a great Columbus Day today! We enjoyed our day together!

Why Does The Night Stink So Bad?

2009-10-11T22:08:00.005-04:00

I have no idea what it is, but when the sun goes down, it seems like any type of sanity I have left goes down with it. So weird. I almost wonder if it has to do with a hormone shift. I know in the evening your body begins to decrease in certain hormones to get you ready for slumber. Maybe my mood has something to do with that? Or maybe it's just that the nighttime reminds me of how dark things feel right now. Or maybe it's both!

We went to church today. John took the morning off, so that we could both go to the service together. We slept in a little bit and then got up about 30 minutes before walking out of the door for the 10:45am service. When we walked into the worship center the service had just begun. I had one moment of slight panic when we first walked into the service. It might have all been in my head, but it felt like several people had turned to stare at us (and, even if they were I am sure it was out of care for us and that they were happy to see us). I am not sure if I could have squeezed John's hand any tighter or walked any faster than I did in that moment. But, all in all, it was good to be in church.

I have been so overwhelmed at how many people have been reading this blog. There are so many more people than the ones that have commented on here. I have gotten so many emails and text messages regarding my blog posts. You are all so very sweet and caring to actually read these things. Honestly, lately it has been to just try and sort through my emotions at the end of the day. But, it is so nice to know that so many of you are following our journey through all of this. I have no idea if we're handling it right or not, but we appreciate your prayers and support.

One of the things that has made me laugh the most about some of the responses I have received are about "my strength". I always say to John, "Did they actually read the blog??" A lot of times I feel like I am showing so much of my weakness and my current fragile state. I mean, let's see here...I ran out of a restaurant yesterday and balled my eyes out in the car! The grief really feels like it's stronger than me right now. But, even if it is, I do know that Jesus is stronger than the grief.

One of my latest struggles, amongst many, is deciding what to do with our baby stuff. And, by that, I mean the ultrasound pictures, pictures of us headed to the first doctors appointment, pictures of us celebrating the news at Sonic because it was the only thing that sounded good to me at the time, the pictures from me surprising John with the baby news, the card I gave John when I surprised him, the pictures we took every week of my belly so that we could track the growth, the baby book that I began to fill out with information of our baby, etc. I was originally planning to begin the pregnancy scrapbook while still pregnant. I knew that once the baby came, I wouldn't want to focus on the pregnancy book, but rather the baby's scrapbook. So, now I am trying to decide if I still make a scrapbook out of what I have. I don't know if that's something that would delay the healing process or help me through the healing process.

The reality is and always will be, this was our first baby. We will never again be pregnant for a first time. This was our first time. I will never have that feeling like a train hit me when I read the positive pregnancy test and wondering what it is going to feel like to be pregnant. Sure, I may experience part of that feeling again, but never in a way of how it was for my first. Just like when I surprised John and he about passed out, he may experience that somewhat again but not like the first time. Therefore, I do want to honor my baby and not feel like I am just throwing pictures in a box to try to get it away to forget about it all. The reality is, I can't ever forget this. Sure, I hope the pain lessens over time, but this will always be a part of our story. John and I will forever live the story that yes we got pregnant 3 weeks after getting married but we won't have a baby to hold on our 1 year wedding anniversary. I guess I just need to pray through on what I should do to remember our baby. Whether it's a scrapbook or something else, I know we should do something.

Well, in closing, I have started to read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. He has always been a favorite author and I have been amazed at this book so far. He is so honest and his pain is so real. He wrote the book (well, really it was his journal, he never originally planned to publish it) after his wife died. It's comforting to read the words of a spiritual giant like Lewis while he walked through a deep valley. I have found so many of his words to be relatable to me right now. And, it's pretty easy to read (unlike some of his books). If you are going through any type of grief, I would highly recommend this book so far.

I think I am going to try and go to bed at a decent hour this evening. I doubt it, but it's worth a try. But, once again, thank you all so much for reading and for your precious words of encouragement. John and I are extremely blessed. Even if God did not give us one more thing, He has already blessed us beyond measure. And, for those of you reading that do have children, you hug on those precious kids extra tight today and tomorrow. When you have to get up at 3am again, just know that there is a man and woman in Orlando, Florida that would do anything to be waking up to hold their baby at 3am in May, but they won't have that chance. Love on those beautiful children and give them a hug from me!

Another Day

2009-10-10T22:47:00.003-04:00

Just to show that we are so confused on the concept of time right now, John turned on the TV this morning and saw a bunch of cartoons. He was like, wow, there are so many cartoons on right now. I responded with, well, it's Saturday. Then, he said whaaaat? No way! I laughed and told him that at least one of us knows what day it is every other day. Too funny. Once he realized the cartoon time was almost over (we had another late night last night, therefore we didn't really get up until later), he said he wished he got up earlier to watch more cartoons. Haha, I must say that I probably agree with him!

Today was another of the same. Lots of laying around on the couch or bed watching TV with intermittent moments of the internet or crying. We had some friends stop by today to bring us lunch, I kind of had to laugh afterwards at the way I looked when they came over. I was still half asleep, my hair all over the place, no make-up, gym shorts on with a t-shirt. But, they were sweet enough to not tell me how ridiculous I appeared. I probably looked even more pathetic than I really am, haha.

Today I actually had some more physical pain than usual since the surgery. I woke up in a little more pain than expected. But, praise Jesus for motrin. I am really ready for all of the physical pain to be over. Every time I have a cramp or bleeding, it is just constant reminders of the reality that my baby is no longer inside of my body. Hopefully, I will only have a couple more days of the phase we are in now.

Tonight, I took shower and actually decided to style my hair! That's right, who knew I would be so proud of myself for throwing some hair products in and blowdrying my hair. I told John (very randomly) that I wanted to go to the Florida Mall. I honestly have no idea why. The more I've thought about it, I think it's because we never go there. The Florida Mall always makes me think of our engagement. So, I guess I wanted to feel closer to happier times. We didn't really go into any stores, we just walked. Which, that was actually probably pretty stupid considering I had more cramping today than yesterday. Oh well.

It felt good to be out, but not really. When we walked out of the mall, I told John that it felt like everyone knew what they were doing. Like, everyone knew where to walk, what they were doing that night, etc. But, I felt as though I never got the memo on what I am supposed to do next or how I am supposed to feel. Then, John suggested we go to a Mexican restaurant in Kissimmee that we've been wanting to try. I knew back in my brain I wasn't totally up for it, but figured I would be fine once we got there.

I felt really out of it when we got to the restaurant. But, we sat down and ordered. I was pretty quiet and wasn't eating much. I have no idea why, but when our food came out. My eyes started welling up with tears. I started playing with my food and thought about how I'll never get to take my baby out to a restaurant with us. I'll never get to teach our child how to use a fork or a spoon. Then, my mind started to race with all of things I'll never get to show our child or teach our child. It all hit really hard and I told John I had to get out of there. I grabbed his keys and ran to the car. He paid for the food and got it to go. John and our waitress were great, because it didn't take that long.

There I was in our car, seat back, and me balling my eyes out. There I am in the parking lot crying out to God with like three groups of people near the car all talking to each other and loving life. While they are all talking, I'm lying there begging Jesus to hold my baby tight tonight. And, to tell my baby that I am so sorry that I never had the chance to hold him or her. And, I'm sorry I never got to teach anything to baby Phillips. I just kept begging Jesus over and over to hold my baby and to tell baby Phillips how deep my love is for my child. Then, I just kept telling Jesus how dark things are right now. And, how I have never walked anything close to this terrible before. Then, I told Him how regardless of how low things are, that I do know He is close.

It's so strange that I find myself writing these things on this blog or that I post stuff on Twitter or Facebook. It's like, my grief is so thick, I can't even think through what I am saying. Sometimes, after I post a Twitter, I regret it soon later. It's like I'm not thinking when I say it. Oh well. I guess I'm just being honest. But, I have always tried to not be that person that makes really awkward posts all the time and airs way too much private stuff in public. Hopefully my rantings just cause people to pray and that it helps get me through.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post the Bible verses I found to comfort me. I have never really known where I stood on the whole do miscarried babies go to Heaven issue. I've never had any reason to research that. The Lord gave me several passages today to comfort me that I can know that baby Phillips is with Jesus. I am one of those people that can't just believe in something because it sounds good, I need strong Biblical proof to trust a theory like this one. And, now that I have done the looking myself, I am so grateful to know that I will see my baby again one day. It's been a great comfort today.

We love all of you and are so grateful for you! Your prayers have gotten us through! Thank you for the words of encouragement, the meals, the gifts, and the overall support. You are one of the many blessings that God has provided through all of the yucky-ness!

Some Comfort on a Very Rough Night

2009-10-09T22:44:00.004-04:00

Today has been okay. John and I have rested a lot. And, by rested, I just mean lounging around our home. Relaxing wouldn't be the word to describe our day, but it felt good to just lay in bed or on the couch. I have had very little concept of time since Tuesday at 1:50pm. The rest of it all has been one big clump of time. So weird. John told me this morning that it was Friday. I got so very confused by that. Seriously, it's Friday?! I guess I believe him, haha.

Isn't it funny that when you go through a trial and hear of other people living life normally, you feel so strange? It feels like the world is moving right on by you while it takes everything inside of you to just take a shower. It's almost been confusing for me. I don't even know how to explain it. It's not hurtful at all that people are living their life. It just feels like I am standing in the middle of Times Square. Like, everything is moving so fast and people are living life, while I am standing there in complete silence and no noise to be heard. Just there confused and not knowing where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do next.

I just keep thinking about Monday. I don't even remember my whole day that day. But, I woke up pregnant and thought of my baby most that day (like I did everyday since finding out I was pregnant). I went to Michael's with my 40% off coupon and bought a pretty fall Welcome sign for our front door. And, I bought fall leafy garland to outline our front door. Then, I planned to get a pumpkin sometime this week for John and I to carve. And, I kept thinking how next October we could take our baby to the pumpkin patch with us to take super cute pictures. I have always longed to start my own family and decorate for the holidays. So, I took forever in Michael's, wanting to buy the whole store out! I even wandered over to the scrapbook section to look at cutesy baby stickers. I had been taking pictures every week of my belly so that I could scrapbook the growth. I am glad that I ended up not buying any stickers. I decided I needed to finish the wedding scrapbooks before venturing to something new, haha.

But, overall, I just keep thinking that Monday was a day of being 24 and pregnant with my first child. And, Tuesday was the day I found out that wasn't the case anymore. Why? Can I go back to Monday and make everyday that day? I was telling John last night that from this point on, I will always have been pregnant at one point. I will have to check that box on medical paperwork of yes, I have had 1 pregnancy. But, do they have a box I can check that says, but I never had the chance to hold that baby? If, and when, we ever do get pregnant again, and people asked if it was our first, our answer will now be no. Then, they'll inevitably follow up with, oh you're second child! Umm, well, yes, but no? Just stinks.

Well, tonight I stumbled on a website that has remembrance gifts for miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Did you know that October is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Yeah, me either. How ironic for us? And, October 15th is National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day. Apparently, it is asked that you light a candle on the 15th at 7:00pm so that a continuous light will shine around the world in remembrance of our precious babies that were gone too soon. And, that will be exactly one week after our baby Phillips was born. We will be lighting a candle here at the Phillips household. We would love for you to do the same at your home at 7pm if you feel led to do so.

This website, www.myforeverchild.com, also had jewelry for remembrance of your miscarriage or pregnancy loss. John and I ordered a bracelet for me. It was oddly comforting. It has three charms on it. The first says, "Life" and has a rosebud on the other side. It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was conceived (August, the month I was born). The second charm is a butterfly to represent the day our baby was transformed. It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was miscarried (October). And, the third charm says "Wish". It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was supposed to be due (May). I can hardly wait to get it in the mail. It's supposed to take 7-10 days. But, I am hoping for sooner.

Also, this website had poems about miscarried babies and the pain that comes with it. Below are some of the poems. Some parts might be a little cheesy, but it helped me after a rough patch tonight. I cried through all of these, but especially this first one. I told John that I felt like I could have written it. It's like my thoughts word for word...

Just Those Few Weeks

For just those few weeks

I had you to myself.

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks,

I came to know you...

and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks...

when I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans, dreams and aspirations.

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks...

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks..

And no "normal" person would cry all night

Over a tiny unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I??

You were just those few weeks, my little one.

You darted in and out of my life too quickly.

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life richer

and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.

~S. Erling

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

Precious Little One
I'm just a precious little one who didn't make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I'm waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain.
I have all Heaven's Glory,
suffered none of earth's great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth's shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don't you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus' arms
from my loving Mother's womb.
~Author Unknown

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown

We miss you baby Phillips. But, cling tight to sweet Jesus. He will hold you until we get there to hold you