Merry Christmas!!

I also entered us into the Holiday Photo Challenge at Paper Mama http://thepapermama.com/2013/11/2013-holiday-photo-challenge.html

Life

A man rejected not only by his biological parents, but also through years of torment at the hands of his adoptive parents. 

The phone call stating that there was an accident and you need to get to the hospital right away. 

The divorce papers get handed over after you fought and fought for healing. 

A baby is born only to live an hour and die. 

Sometimes the hurt, pain and destruction of this world is so palpable my brain feels like it can't fire any more. How do you pray in this? Where are the words?

Despite the world being a fallen and bad place, He is good. So very good. 

It doesn't make sense. Life hurts and everything bursts at the seams sometimes. What do we do? Where do we go? How do we stop the hemorrhaging when it seems unstoppable?

We get weary and long with a pounding heart for the day when weariness is no more. But, what about now? There will be a day when the battle is over and we receive the reward in full, but today with the divorce papers, the medical report, the rejection and everything threatens to rip the life away from us...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." -John 10:10 {Jesus}

There's a thief and he doesn't stop. He doesn't stop until he's stolen, killed, and destroyed. He prowls for us and he lies. I don't need to tell you because you look to your left and you look to your right and it's there. The destruction that never seems to end. 

But, Jesus came to give us life. The abundant kind. 

"If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you." -Romans 8:11

The Spirit who raised HIM is in us. He gives life to our mortal, decaying, ripping-at-the-seams bodies. Abundantly He gives it. 

The thief that works to steal our health, our life, our joy wants us to miss it. He wants us to miss the praise of Jesus by the graveside. The thanksgiving despite the diagnosis. The joy despite the falling-apart-ness of life on earth. 

May the Spirit give us life today. And, tomorrow. And, the day after. Until it's all fulfilled and we can know all of the praise, joy and faith were worth it

All of Us

Freedom.

Reckless abandon. 

A complete joy. 

One sobbing Mama at seeing God's faithfulness over our family. 

Why does He love us this much? I don't know. 

But, He loves you this much, too. 

Here we are, Jesus. All of us for all of You. Here we are. 

God's Not A Taker

Yesterday marked 7 months since Warner went to be with Jesus. I've reflected a lot on his little life the last few days and have come to a few conclusions. 

One: every life matters. No matter how seemingly small or short, it matters. 

Two: the Lord used this seemingly small life to provide a big purpose. And, that was to save my own life. And, my family's as well. 

It doesn't matter what Satan means for bad, God will always turn it for good for those that love Him. I've never blamed God for my son's death. EVER. 

And, quite frankly, I'm always a little surprised that people are surprised at me for not blaming Him. Have we all forgotten who our war is against in this life? It's not the One that created life, it's the one that prowls around to destroy it. 

So often we put the blame in the wrong place when something bad happens. We look at God as a "taker" and not a "giver". The Lord revealed that in depth of my heart, I believed Him to be a taker rather than a giver while I was pregnant and fighting for Warner's life. Those days of repentance and healing were precious to my heart. 

Jesus has chosen to use my son's death, what the enemy meant for evil, and use it to bring an ultimate good in our family's life. My son's labor, delivery, life and death were a poignant time in my life where the veil between earth and Heaven got a little thinner. And, now, 7 months after, I'm experiencing Jesus in a way I haven't in my entire life. I never knew I wasn't walking in full freedom until now. 

And, Jesus used my son to change the course of my family's life forever. I will never, ever be able to repay Jesus for what He's done for me. But, I will spend the rest of my life thanking Him for the gifts He never had to give

Broken Things

Tuesday marked 6 months since Warner was born. It's been six months since we held him while he slipped into eternity with our Jesus. 

So many mixed emotions. Moments of celebration so intimately intertwined with moments of sadness. Feeling grateful for his short life and all God has done. Yet feeling devastated that instead of holding Warner close on his half birthday, I find myself looking at the pillow like clouds in the sky asking God to hold him for me. 

Our little family loves celebrating our Littles first half birthday. There's just something special about your baby hitting the 6 month mark. They're way out of the "bump on a log" stage and ready to take on the world around them. For both of the girls we had special treats and balloons to celebrate their special day.

So, for Warner we decided we were going to do the same. I took the girls to the grocery store to get cupcake supplies and balloons. When we got to the balloons, we decided on one special one that said "Birthday Boy" and four plain light blue ones. 

We went up to the counter to get them all filled with helium and we waited. A guy came up to help and started with the special balloon. He filled it up and as soon as he did. He started searching over the balloon. There was a leak and he couldn't figure out how or where. 

Then, in a quick decision, he cut into the side of the balloon to get the rest of the helium out and told me "this balloon is broken, I'll get you another one". I stood there frozen. Charlotte was in the baby carrier close to me and Ella was playing around with a lighter display (nice.)

He came back promptly with a shiny new balloon and I couldn't stop thinking of my Warner's balloon discarded so easily. And, got me to thinking how likely it is that people could feel the same of my Warner. People say dumb things when they don't know what else to say. But, thankfully we haven't had that a ton since Warner died. 

But, our culture is so quick to discard little lives. We do it every day in our thoughts and our actions. I've been asked if we are going to have another baby. And, the truth is, I have no clue and I can't even think of that right now. I don't just want a baby, I want Warner. 

And, there was my hand-picked, special balloon laying in the trash. Once the worker was done with the replacement balloon and the others, I asked him if I could have the old balloon out of the trash and I'd even pay for it. No doubt he thought I was nuts. But, I don't care. The sweet, even more special now, balloon is sitting in Warner's box now. 

Just because you lived a short life, we won't discard you as broken, Warner! Your life mattered and counted for eternity. I couldn't be more thankful to be your Mommy! And, Ella couldn't have been happier to send your balloons up to Heaven so you could play with them. Hope you loved what we picked!

Butterflies

Warner's due date was tough. Hard. Sad. I'm still not recovered from it. When one goes through grief it's common to wonder if life will ever resume to normal. I've definitely wondered that lately as the last week has been a bit of a blur. 

On his due date, God was gracious and supplied me with many tangible gifts. My most personal and special one needs to finally be shared! It may seem silly and crazy and strange. But, isn't that each of our personal relationships with the Lord anyways?

On Warner's due date, I took the girls outside to gaze at the sky, what felt the closest I could get to Heaven and our missing family member. As we walked out, God gave me a white butterfly that danced with Charlotte in the backyard. It was honestly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

I doubted the Lord's gift (as I always do) and Googled to make sure that white butterflies even exist and that I didn't imagine it. They do exist and a spattering of websites came up in the search claiming that they represent "a child's soul or life". I was awestruck and knew that God used even my moments of doubt at His gift to further show His grace on me that day. 

Since then I've been so sad that I never got a picture of it. I've wondered many times what it would've been like to have that picture. 

Well, today, we went outside to play after a rough grief week, and there it was. Another white butterfly. This time the butterfly danced with Ella and stayed a while. 

I chased the butterfly all around the yard. I snapped 50 pictures, not wanting our time together to end. I was even shoeless and the morning dew was still fresh on the ground. So, my feet were covered in grass, but still I chased. There's never been a sweeter time of reckless abandon in my life. I chased that butterfly as though I was small child again and knew with that childlike faith that the butterfly was just for me. 

Even through my doubt, my failures, my grief, and my cynicism, God proves Himself faithful. He didn't have to give me the white butterfly on August 20th. And, furthermore, He didn't have to provide it again today so I could get a picture to remember this forever. 

Warner's life on earth didn't last much longer than a butterfly dancing over the tops of the heads of our two toddlers. But, there is a rich day coming where we will all dance, laugh, and enjoy the presence of our King together. But, while I wait, I plan to keep looking at the sky and thanking my Jesus for the butterflies along the way

WE'RE MOVING!!!

Yes, it's true! We are moving to Springdale, Arkansas! John has accepted a position with Cross Church as their lead video guy :-) We are very excited for this new adventure that the Lord has asked of us.

And, as excited as we are, there are moments where I wonder if I'll really be able to move away from the home we've been in for over three years. I've been pregnant with all three of our children here. The same doctor delivered all three of our kids. We dedicated our girls here at Dogwood Church. We celebrated Warner's short life here at Dogwood. I've wrestled things out with the Lord sitting in the chairs of our church more Sunday's than I can count.

We've been blessed to walk alongside many beautiful people here for the last three years. And, we can say that our Senior Pastor is one of our friends, which can't be said of many working in ministry around the country. But, we are and we love them.

The Lord has been tender with my aching heart over Warner and the process of moving so quickly after his death. I've been unbelievably humbled at the tangible gifts God has given me through each step of this process. I can assuredly say I would not move away right now unless the Lord was clearly leading and confirming. And, He's teaching me that in the good, the bad, and the hard, it's better to follow His leading than to do anything else in the whole wide world.

God is releasing our family from Peachtree City and He is setting up our new ministry in Northwest Arkansas. So many times in this process I've wanted to say how hard ministry is during a transition like this but it's also so worth it. But, I'm beginning to realize that as followers of Christ, He will call all of us to the hard to glorify the risen Son of God. We each have something He will call us to do for Him. Maybe it's picking up and moving. Maybe it's changing jobs. Maybe it's finally cultivating an intentional relationship with our neighbor to share Jesus. Maybe it's to make a stand for what we know is Truth. A life that truly follows Christ is one that is in complete surrender, whether you work in ministry or not.

So, here we are...expectant for what God is going to do in Arkansas and looking back on our time in Georgia to see all He has done in three years. A part of our heart will always be here and we covet your prayer as we continue to serve our great God in a new state with a great new church!

Beauty Instead of Ashes

"to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." -Isaiah 61:3b

When we first moved into the house we are currently renting three years ago, there was this cute little flower bed near the front door. And, in this bed was a tall plant hanger. I immediately forgot about my black thumbs and decided I needed some "pretty flowers" to hang there. 

So, off to the store I went with John and Ella still in my belly. I decided that the dark purple flowers were pretty and they were already in baskets ready to hang. I couldn't wait to get home and hang those puppies up! As soon as we got home, that's exactly what I did. They were so pretty and I'm sure I must've squealed and/or clapped, which is my typical reaction when I think something looks just too perfect. 

As time went on, I did a crazy dance back and forth with these flowers. I'd forget about them and then see them browning, so I would frantically get a cup of water to revive them. But, it didn't take much longer until those pretty purple flowers went bye-bye. 

I've noticed that when your family is in a season of having babies, something usually gives. For some it's cooking, for some it's cleaning, for some it's the yard, for some (like us) it's a small bit of everything. Those poor pretty purple flowers were one of the things in our yard that totally bit the dust and we never looked back. 

Here is what makes you so glad to not have to be our neighbor...we are just classy enough to have kept the plastic hanging baskets on the plant hanger! Oh my word, I can't even contain my laughter as I sit here and think about how those tacky plastic baskets have hung there for three years with only the first few months of those three years even containing any flowers. 

What makes you even happier that you're not our neighbor or our family, is that my mother in law totally tried to help us out in the tacky area by filling the baskets up with pinecones from our yard. Ya know, trying to help us not look like the complete freaks of the whole city when most people around here have nice landscaping. 

So, there the baskets have sat. Full of pinecones for 2.5 years. Then, our sweet, precious, handsome miracle of a son, Warner lived on this earth for under an hour and went to be with Jesus. We were so incredibly blessed that family and friends dropped what they were doing to come into town to mourn with us. 

My father in law came into town as my mother in law was already. Our family always does way too much to help us when they're in town. I'm sure the plastic hanging baskets full of pinecones are no indication to them as to how much help we need...

But, my father in law mowed our lawn and trimmed our bushes while he was here. While trimming the bushes, he accidentally whacked one of the plastic pieces of the basket that was holding it up. John showed it to me the day after and I completely cracked up. 

But, here's reason #48 why you're happy to not be our neighbor, we have left the baskets hanging there STILL. Yes, I'll blame it all on the grief...the grief has just made it impossible to think clearly and I totally would've gotten rid of the now barely hanging plastic basket of classy pinecones. Yep, mmhmm...

But, just a few days ago, John and I loaded up the girls for our daily walk and there it was...

Beauty out of the ashes. 

All hope was lost. The container was falling apart. The pinecones threatened to choke out the beauty. But, when it's time for beauty to arise, there's nothing that can stand against it. 

No one in their right mind would ever expect hope to spring up in that flower basket. It had been neglected and forgotten about for years. There had not even been a glimpse of the possibility of a flower for 2.5 years. Even the basket was barely hanging on by the time the flower bloomed. But, even despite the container seemingly falling apart, at least it was still hanging on. 

We are still hanging on. I don't understand how beauty can spring up during the ugliest of situations. I don't understand how all of the surroundings can point to despair, yet hope takes its rightful place. 

I can assure you that it was no accident that those tacky plastic hanging baskets have hung full of pinecones for years. This day was coming just for me. That little purple flower spoke volumes of God's beauty, hope, and light in the middle of the darkest of situations. 

We have been praying and will continue to pray that Warner's life would shine the beacon of hope in Christ to a dark and ugly world. And, that little flower has proved just that hope. 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." -Ecclesiastes 3:11a