Lost Innocence

Over the last week or two, I've had a few nights where it's been really tough for me to fall asleep. I just lay there staring at the ceiling in the dark and my mind runs wild. I try to control it and just get to bed, but sometimes my crazy thoughts have won.

Like, last night. I was tired and not feeling well, so I wanted to fall asleep quickly. But, instead, there I lay replaying the miscarriage over and over in my head. Laying there, despite how nauseous I feel, wondering if I am just an incubator yet again for a baby that has stopped growing.

Last night, I explained to John some of my fears and he responded with, "Yeah, I kinda feel like since we've been excited, that we're just waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under us,". Oh, how I couldn't agree more.

At the same time, we are spending each day excited and with a grateful heart for this baby. There are some people that have not and will not see a positive pregnancy test, no matter how hard they pray. I know that to even be pregnant twice, with two precious children, is a gift. Even if "the rug gets pulled out from under us," I will be thankful for both times having to be pregnant. But, every once in a while, a dark night creeps up on me and I can't help my mind wandering.

When I had another night like this one about a week ago, I just kept telling John how we never got to fully experience the innocence and well, naivety of a first time pregnancy. We already know and have experienced what bad can happen in a pregnancy on our very first go at it all. I just think it's different when it's your first. Listening for a heartbeat has not and probably will never be a fully innocent experience for us. The very first time a heartbeat was searched for, there was none to be found. When the morning rolled around for us to check for this baby's first heartbeat, it was terrifying. That experience never had the chance to be innocent or fun.

I'm really not complaining about any of this, I just almost feel sad for the little girl I was when I always dreamt of being pregnant. I couldn't wait to marry the man of my dreams and we would have the most perfect pregnancy resulting in the most perfect first child. I just feel a little saddened for my first baby that he or she never had the chance to grow or for us to hear his or her heartbeat. I feel saddened for this baby that didn't get the "belly pictures" every week like the first one, or that his/her first ultrasound was a worried one for us or that hearing his/her heartbeat for the first time was terrifying because we didn't know if we could trust it.

BUT, if nothing else, we are trusting the Lord. We are putting our hope in Him to do what's best for us and our little baby; no matter what that may mean. We are expecting for God to do great things despite our fears, questions, excitement, or ultimately, ourselves. And, therefore, I think we are in the best place we can be...full reliance on One that is infinitely worth more glory than anyone else

A Little Phillips On The Way!!

On January 2, 2010, John and I saw the little plus sign on a home pregnancy test. It's funny how this time around, there was no "I feel like I just got hit by a train, in a good way" statements made. We both just commented on how peaceful things seemed and here we go again! And, then, I'm pretty sure we both just went back to bed! Haha. Hey, it was a Saturday morning and sleep sounded good :o) Our precious little one is due on September 13, 2010, which makes me 12 weeks.

The last two months have been a whirlwind of emotions. This new baby has brought some healing and has also brought to mind sad memories of our first pregnancy. Don't get us wrong, you probably couldn't meet two more overjoyed people to have a baby on the way. But, this baby and our first one are two completely different human beings. And, therefore, this baby in no way replaces our first one or causes us to "just get over what happened the first time". I'm not quite sure if a day will ever come that I don't wonder what our first baby would have looked like. What he or she would have wanted as their favorite after school snack. Etc. But, at the same time, we are so very thrilled at the possible opportunity to get to experience those things with this beautiful baby.

I can honestly say for the first time in my life, that I desire God's will more than my own. There are many times I have prayed to experience that 100% or wished that I could figure out how to get to that place. And, these last several months, I think I have really begun to understand what it means to carry my cross daily. The strength of the Lord is what got us through our miscarriage and we believe that if the Lord called us to walk that road again, we would continue to pray for the Lord to be glorified. One of our constant prayers lately is that the Lord would do whatever gives Him the most glory with this baby. If that means to take our baby home to Him, than so be it. But, if it means to let this baby enter the world, than so be it. We pray the Lord will give us this baby to raise, but we can truly say we desire His will more than anything else.

Driving the way to the doctors office almost 4 weeks ago for our first ultrasound, John and I were both pretty quiet in conversation. We played Hillsong United's "Arms Open Wide" and sang it at the top of our lungs. I had tears in my eyes and pondered what the morning might hold. I also thought back on the devastating 2nd ultrasound of our first baby. Such mixed emotions that day. I brought my clinging cross from this post, and clung as the ultrasound began. The very first second or two, I thought I didn't see the heartbeat. But, then, there it was. A little blob of a baby (hehe) with a flickering image of a heartbeat. Cool as a cucumber, just kickin' back and hanging out. And, the baby was 8weeks 3days, which was almost a week past when the first baby stopped growing. What a great morning.

Theeeen, I was put in the hospital that same day for dehydration. I was also diagnosed with hyperemesis, which basically means I haven't been able to stop throwing up. The actual hyperemesis probably lasted a total of 4 weeks. I wasn't able to keep any food or drink down :o( I've lost 4 pounds this first trimester. I'm still trudging through morning sickness now, but am finally getting to the point where I can keep some stuff down. I've joked with John that I have been so insanely sick that I haven't even had the time or energy to worry about if the baby is going to be fine! Haha. So, I guess the extreme yucky feeling has been a blessing in disguise :o)

One week ago we had an appointment and heard the baby's heartbeat! As most of you remember, that was our appointment where we found out about our first baby. So, it was such a relief when the heartbeat was found right away. Still pumping nice and strong!! That was an amazing day. All of the euphoria had me feeling better the rest of the day! But, then I was yucky again the next day, haha. But, still crazy excited!

I'll leave it here for now! But,we know two things, 1) we are crazy excited about this beautiful baby, and 2) this little one will grow up knowing that he or she had an older brother or sister that prepared our hearts to love him/her in a way that we probably never could have before

"My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your name, and forever I will pray, have Your way..."