- I'm just a 28 year old woman that married the man of my answered prayers on July 18, 2009. We have our sweet Ella that was born in September of 2010 and our precious Charlotte that was born in February of 2012! On March 24, 2013, our first son was born, Josiah Warner. After a complicated pregnancy, he was born very prematurely and lived less than an hour before going to be with Jesus. Through life's ups and downs, I'm trying to figure out how to follow Jesus. I mean, really follow Jesus. The kind of following where things start to change. It's time to put action to the passion
- ► 2013 (15)
- ► 2011 (15)
- ► 2010 (27)
- Roses Among The Thorns
- Beautiful Weather Tries to Heal a Torn Heart
- Check Out This New Setup!
- Lit Candles
- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
- I Can't Imagine Heaven's Lullabies
- Morning Will Come
- Oh, How He Loves Us
- Why Does The Night Stink So Bad?
- Another Day
- Some Comfort on a Very Rough Night
- Jesus Makes the Woeful Heart to Sing
- Jesus Is Fairer
- ▼ October (13)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I have officially been in the anger phase of grief since about 2 days after the surgery. The funny thing is, I only have momentary lapses of being angry with God. I mostly just get mad at other people. The guy on the road that cut us off and laughed about it, the morons (excuse my name-calling) at Sears that could not seem to get their act together to help me simply get my oil changed so my mom could take me shopping to get my mind off of life, the retarded vacuum cleaner that I almost tripped over the other day, people's comments (even though they probably don't realize how bad it sounds) and the list goes on and on and on...In normal life, I can get pretty much keep my act together. But, right now, I feel like I need to purchase a punching bag to take out all of my anger. So, if you see me start to tense up, just run!! You might end up in my line of fire... ;o)
So, with all of the ridiculous-ness and my ticked off-ness, I have decided to make a list of all of the roses among the thorns lately. There have been so many tiny (and HUGE) blessings along the way that I can so easily dismiss when I start to get mad at the morons (whoops, am I still namecalling?) at Sears...
1) At 7 weeks 4 days, John and I rushed to the doctor's office because I had some bleeding and cramping. That's when everything was completely normal with baby Phillips. A strong heartbeat and growth on track. When the doctor had examined me before that ultrasound, he had told us that if we didn't see a heartbeat, we would not think the worst, but try to sit down and play around with the due date, maybe it just wasn't time for the heart to beat yet. If our little one's heart had not been beating yet, we probably would've had to wait at least a week for another ultrasound to check on the little one. That week would have been torturous, heck, that one day of questioning was terrible enough. So, John and I have both said how happy we were that our first ultrasound was okay.
2) We were both glad (doesn't seem like the right word considering the situation, but you get the idea) that we were blindsided with the situation in the best way. We weren't planning on the ultrasound that day and we didn't suspect one bad thing. I mean, John wasn't even going to come to that appointment! I told him to just skip it, I am so glad that God changed my mind to have him come to that visit. If we would've found out the bad news that first ultrasound, we were already a wreck so it probably wouldn't have been the best. But, the fact that we were blindsided, kinda helped us from wailing and making a scene in the doctor's office.
3) Also, I began to bleed a little right after that doctor's appointment (when we found out) and the very next night, the heavy bleeding began. I could not imagine the terror if our doctor's appointment was just a few days later, we thought nothing was wrong, and then I started bleeding and cramping so heavy in the middle of the night. God timed our doctor's appointment perfectly with us finding out the news.
4) As strange as this sounds, we are glad I began bleeding and had the baby at home the day before the D&C. We strongly felt the D&C was the right decision (and still do), but we were glad that the Lord let us experience both. That way, we didn't have any second guesses if our little one still had a chance or not.
5) God gave us a wonderful doctor that we had never even met 3 months ago. He has been excited with us, mourned with us, and cheered us on for the future. I actually shadowed an obstetric unit for a week in my pre-med days and I know how woman after woman comes in with miscarriages. I know that Dr. Peppy sees healthy pregnant women all the time and also has to break bad news to people all the time. Yet, it doesn't change his level of excitement or his level of grief for each individual baby. It's been nice to feel like a friend instead of just another patient. Is it weird that the only reason I have wanted to get pregnant again right away is to be back in Dr. Peppy's office? Don't tell him how weird I am :o)
6) John and I have the strongest marriage of any 3 month newlywed I have ever met! In our extremely short time of marriage, we have celebrated the excitement of having our first child. We dreamt together of whom our child will take after, will he or she have curly hair?, and how much we loved a clump of splitting and reproducing cells. And, we have also walked the torment of losing our first child. We never prepared for this road before we got married and I think we've done pretty good. We have balled our eyes out together, we've done our best to be strong when the other one is weak, we have had our arguments out of grief where we both just end up crying because we're just dealing with that anger I talked about, and we have lifted each other up before the Lord when the one doesn't have strength to lift their own self up. I had NO idea that I could ever love John more than I did on our wedding day. Wow, was I wrong! I thought I loved him then, but I would walk the lowest of valley's with that man any day (even though I hope for more mountaintops!).
7) Our housesitting gig, while completely crazy at times, has been a good thing. I had my surgery on Thursday and that Sunday was our first day of housesitting. It's been good to not be at home. I am a little scared to go back and be there every day, but God will give me the strength when it's time. But, our housesitting was at the perfect time to feel like I am on a mini vacation! It'll be even better tomorrow when I am finally allowed to go swimming in their pretty pool :o)
8) We kept our pregnancy a secret in the beginning for a reason. If we happened to miscarry we didn't want a million people saying how sorry they were (still feel that way), BUT our story has helped a lot of people. I have been shocked at how many texts, Facebook messages, emails, calls, etc I have received from people that have found some solace in these blog posts. Honestly, I began writing my feelings on here because it was easier to tell people to go check the blog rather than say our baby died. And, it's been helpful for me to think through my feelings every day and get them written out. And, we decided to make these journals public because that way I don't have to answer a hundred questions of how we are doing. Also, it's easier for out of town family to feel like they are walking this right next to us to know how we're doing everyday. But, I had no clue how many people would be encouraged in the Lord through some of my ramblings on here. And, the coolest thing is that most of those people are not dealing with a miscarriage right now but some have a husband that walked out on them, some are dealing with depression, some have a long term illness, some have just plain not been following Jesus in everything that they should, and the list goes on. So, even though I was really upset at first that God would allow us to tell people about our pregnancy and then a week later find out all of this, He knew what He was doing. He knew that people needed to watch us go through our grief so that they may grow closer to the One that created them (and our baby!). It has been crazy to see some of the responses and know that I am praying for you!
9) The Lord has shaken me up to realize my always constant desperate need of Him. My quiet times were haphazard during the pregnancy and my reason was because I was "just too sick". I think my prayer life kept up enough to par, but reading my Bible and my involvement in church dwindled. Now, while I do believe there is some validity to being too sick for some things and God understands, I knew I could have done more and God was asking me to and I didn't. God forgives and I have moved past that, but God has used this yucky situation to realize that I am always in desperate need of Him. Yes, I really do mean always...good times and bad times, just as much desperate need of Him. God is teaching me a lot and I am thankful for that.
10) Last, but not least, the Lord gave us the most precious first child we could have ever asked Him for. The last two days I have thought a lot about the fact that this child had the chance to go straight to Heaven. I mean, could a mother really ask for anything more? My baby never had to learn from me how to follow Jesus, baby Phillips now has the chance to learn from Jesus Himself. Of course I still wish I had the chance to teach Jesus to our little one, but our foremost prayer before this child was even conceived was that our children would come to know the Lord at an early age. While I never imagined this would happen, our first baby followed Jesus at such an early age! And, in the words of King David after he lost his baby, "But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me." (2 Samuel 12:23) Yes, I wish our baby could come back to me, but instead I will go to you one day baby Phillips.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Today was another day where I woke up and knew it wouldn't be good. But, I really did my best to push that feeling away and get excited for church. Yes, I have made it the last two weeks. John and I saw our senior pastor in the back hallway right as the service was beginning. He spotted us and the second he made eye contact with us, I had to fight tears. I was pretty close to losing it in the hallway. Golly, how quickly I can turn from holding it all together, to near meltdown. It just felt so safe to be upset right in that moment. Our senior pastor is an extremely caring and godly man, so it felt okay to have a weak moment in front of him. He told us he had been praying for us (he called John last week and prayed over the phone) and we are meeting with him tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to it, I think it'll be good. And, I still plan to follow my no mascara rule of the last two weeks, because I never know when I am going to cry! While black tears would probably accurately show how I feel, the streaky aftermath is not so attractive :o)
Church got me thinking today about joy. I sat down in the back row (so many back row Baptists jokes went through my head as we sat there today, but I digress...) and stayed in my seat while I everyone reached their feet and clapped over God giving joy in the middle of bad times. I am not joyful right now and I think that's okay. Follow me here...I have a lot to be joyful about and I am grateful to the Lord for so many blessings (including many blessings He has given through this storm). But, I am not to the stage of dancing around the building in rejoicing to the Lord. The Bible says to "Rejoice always and again I say rejoice", but, I also know that there is a "time and season for everything under Heaven", including grief. Like I said earlier, "weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning". Currently, I am still in the nighttime. And, I believe that God's okay with that. You know how I know?
Before He died on that cross, He asked the Father if there was any way that cup could be removed from Him. He wasn't exactly doing cartwheels of joy in the garden when He was getting ready to die for the sins of the world. The Father let Him know that this was the only way. And, Jesus did it. I don't believe He did through rejoicing that He was so glad He could through this. His rejoicing in those horrendous hours, were through His obedience. He displayed His love for God and for creation by simply walking where God told Him to walk, even when He didn't want to. And, that's what I am doing. I've already asked God if there was another way (after that dreaded ultrasound) and you know what? He said no. Is it the way I wanted to do things? Absolutely not. But, the only thing I know, is that I am walking the road God Himself has asked me to walk on. And, it ain't pretty. But, the cross wasn't pretty either. That tomb didn't start out very pretty either. But, because of the obedience of Jesus, that tomb AND that hideous cross, became the most beautiful symbols this world could ever see. Oh, praise God that Sunday came in full glory! My Sunday is not here yet, but I know that it will. I know that God has the ability to ask us to walk dark roads, but that ability also takes our dark roads and "works it together for good".
I've already seen small glimpses of God's 'working together for good' business, but I know there's more. I also know there's a lot more that I won't see or understand this side of Heaven. And, Jesus felt even lower than me at a point in time. Therefore, I think He was okay with the fact that I didn't jump to my feet with "hallelujah's" this morning. But, He sees my heart pursuing Him and chasing Him and just flat out needing Him right now. He'll bring the joy back in my life. He already gave me a glimpse tonight when I just stepped outside for a few minutes.
I am so thankful that Jesus gave me a true picture of brokenness. It's okay to be broken and to ask for a way out, but if that way out doesn't come, you walk that road. And, at the end of the hurtful road, God works it all out to be a beautiful picture of how He redeems things for good. Oh Lord, redeem this situation for good!!!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
You know how some days you wake up and just know it's going to be a yucky day? That was me today. Literally, from the second I woke up, I felt sad. I mean, come on! Usually it takes a good 30 minutes or an hour until I realize that nothing has changed and my baby is still gone. But, this morning, my lovely brain decided to remind me of the truth within 10 seconds. I sincerely have moments where I freak out and think that these feelings will never end. For example, today I thought much about if or when we get pregnant again. Will I still miss my first baby this much? Every time I take my child to Sunday school or marvel at his/her first steps, will I wish that I also had the chance to see my first baby do those things? Sure, I believe that time will heal a lot, but will I ever really get over the fact that I never got to hold my first child? I don't really believe that there are answers to these questions, but this is just a dumb situation.
Today, John and I went to Disney's Animal Kingdom. I wanted to get out of the house and kick my sad attitude in the butt. Didn't work as well as I would have liked. But, John and I did share some laughs, so I guess it was still worth it. But, several times, when I saw a pregnant woman or a newborn I wondered why I didn't get the chance to have this baby? Once again, not the idea of being pregnant or having a baby (I am praying God blesses us with that in the future), but why I couldn't have THAT baby, my FIRST child. Luckily, those thoughts never stay long. Usually, pretty quickly, the Lord reminds of the fact that He's in control and He has a plan and purpose for every child He has ever created, including my baby. I have no idea what my baby's plan or purpose was, but I am sure it has something to do with teaching mommy and daddy some lessons in how to pursue Jesus on a greater level.
If today wasn't ridiculous enough, I can barely walk. That's right, I am hobbling around like someone that had leg surgery a week ago and not a D&C. Yesterday was a pretty good day, John and I just lounged around all day. It was nice to rest all day because the last few days were pretty tiring. I got the bright idea to begin my workout regimen again in full speed. I am officially insane! I can't even describe how sore I am right now! I did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday and I think that my ultimate problem is that I used weights that were too heavy. Also, I just plain pushed myself too hard. For the first time ever working out, I felt extremely sick to my stomach. It took about an hour before I felt normal again. Originally I planned to begin the workout every day. But, there was no possible way I could have done that again today. As soon as I'm not this sore, I'll pick back up on the workouts.
Now, for the happier parts of my day! God provides blessings even during heartache. God is still good, even when I complain for most of the day. Well, I got my bracelet today!! Remember the one I told you about? It has three charms, one representing when we conceived (including a crystal in the color of the month we conceived, August), one representing when our baby was transformed (including a crystal of the month we miscarried, October), and one representing when our baby was supposed to be due (including a crystal of the month of our due date, May). I love it! It turned out so well and I am glad it's on my wrist already. Here is a picture!
Here is my new beautiful bracelet! I found it at www.myforeverchild.com
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
I'm just a precious little one who didn't make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I'm waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain.
I have all Heaven's Glory,
suffered none of earth's great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth's shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don't you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus' arms
from my loving Mother's womb.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
We miss you baby Phillips. But, cling tight to sweet Jesus. He will hold you until we get there to hold you