Due Date

I knew that eventually May 1st would roll around. I also knew that after Christmas, it would be the next big hurdle to get through. And, here we are, the day before the due date that back in August I thought seemed like a million years away.

To put it lightly, today has been rough. I found myself crying my eyes out in random parking lots around town as I was trying to get my list of errands done today. I felt so bad for myself, I splurged and bought myself a pink Snuggie. And, some Rasinets. Take that sadness.

There have been a lot of tears this last week over our first lost baby. It's funny how I used to think that if a woman just got pregnant again, she would be completely healed about a miscarriage. And, truthfully for some women, that may very well be the case, but it definitely hasn't been for me. Our current pregnancy has brought healing of the wondering if we would ever be able to hold a pregnancy past the first trimester. But, this baby, in no way, has replaced our first one.

Leaving our apartment last week, to head to our new home in Georgia, was way more difficult than I thought it would be. And, the biggest hurt was that I felt like we were leaving our first baby behind. See, we don't have much that's physical to remember that baby. And, that apartment was where I took the tests that told me we were expecting. It was the place that John and I dreamed about what that baby would be like. It was where I couldn't stop crying and holding my belly the night that we found out our baby was gone. It was where my contractions started the night before my surgery and I had our baby. It was where I recovered from the surgery and questioned if life would ever be the same. It was the place we lit our candle and read Scripture to remember the baby God gave us.

I cried and cried and cried the day we left our apartment. I actually made us leave several hours later than planned that day because I felt that first baby slipping away all over again.

And, now, here I am today, the day before our due date. This is tough. It's tougher than I thought it would be just a month or two ago. I laid on the floor in our current baby's room today with our first baby's scrapbook and cried at first. Then, looking through the unfinished scrapbook, there was a peace. Man, we loved that baby. And, I think Jesus knows that. Plus, God has given us a new baby to share in all of that love. A new baby that God has at least given us 20.5 weeks with while we pray for many more weeks, months, and years.

If you read this tonight or tomorrow (or any day!) do you mind tossing up a prayer for us? Tomorrow is going to be a tough day and we are trying to find a good balance of mourning, remembrance, and a continuance of life for the day. Also, it'll be John's first weekend at the services at Dogwood church as the Tech Director, which includes the Saturday night service. So, we want to be ready and willing to invest in people tomorrow night. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

So...We...Are...Gonna....Be....

GEORGIANS!!!!

It's true, we're moving! No one can ever blame us for having boring lives, that's for sure. This time last year, we were engaged and planning a wedding on a shoestring budget (which was debt-free and came out beautifully, if I do say so myself). Since then, we've gotten married, got pregnant 3 weeks after wedding, lost a baby 10 weeks after that, got pregnant again 2 months after that, now John is transitioning to a new job in a totally new state!! Phew, are you as tired as I am??

After lots of prayer, excitement, and tears, we really believe that the Lord is leading us to Peachtree City, Georgia where John is accepting the Tech Director position at Dogwood Church. The church (which we will be living nearby) is about 15 or so minutes from the Atlanta airport and about 25 minutes from downtown Atlanta.

John's last day at First Baptist Orlando will be on April 16th and we plan to move that weekend or the beginning of that next week. The timing has all moved pretty quick as Dogwood is needing John to start soon. It's all very exciting, but we are also sad to leave a church that we have loved dearly. First Orlando was where my walk with Jesus became not just something I talked about, but learned how to live out. It is also the place where I met the husband I learned how to pray for during my youth group days. It is where my husband asked me to marry him. It is where we stood before a room of witnesses and made a marriage covenant before the Lord. It is where I told him that we were expecting our first baby. The church staff and all of the precious people that make up the church have been nothing short of a blessing for the both of us. We have shed many tears over leaving a church that we absolutely adore.

But, the Lord is growing us and stirring an excitement in us for what's to come. We had no idea that the beginning of our marriage would have so many things going on, so who in the world could guess what's on the horizon! I am really excited about what ministry opportunities lay ahead for the both of us. And, I really do believe it's going to be full of lots of great things. The Lord has given us both a better understanding of local missions over the last year and we are super pumped to see how that translates in our new city.

All of you Orlando folk, we love you and are going to miss you more than I could possibly begin to type in a silly blog. We have a guest room that is crying out for you to come visit us!! Also, we will definitely be back sometime in June for a baby shower (yay! maybe I'll have a belly by then?!) and in November with the babe. With Orlando being my hometown, we will definitely still be around and anxious to see all of you!

Love you all so much! Please be praying for us as we get ready to pack up and move! The transitions that specifically could use some prayer:

--We are finalizing which (out of two) houses we are going to rent. 

--I still haven't found an OB/GYN, I am pretty anxious about this because we are leaving a doctor's office we love here

--That my body can withstand all of the physical stress that comes with moving, I am quite the sickly woman these days and don't want to get too overworked!

--For John to work well with his new fellow staff members

--For the both of us to find friendships that are truly ordained from the Lord quickly!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Please comment on here if there is anything we can pray about!

Baby Update!

I am the worst blogger in the world. I always mean to update and then never get to it. My excuse this time around is that I usually feel in a bloggy mood at night. Well, usually I want to throw up like a mad woman in the evenings. Well, and in the morning. Well, hmm, I guess during the day, too. Eh, you get the idea...

But, I did want to update you on our last doctor's appointment! It was last Tuesday (on the 23rd). I was 15weeks 1day. The baby still had a strong heartbeat, which was in the low 150's. And, I was up a little weight! I was still under my pre-pregnancy weight, but up from before. Which, that is very good news and I am glad to be at the point where the excessive vomiting appears to be over. I never knew I would get to the point where a little puke doesn't bother me because overall I am able to keep enough food down. Um, perspective change, much??

Also, I have been feeling some movement, flutters (totally never understood that as a description until it happened!) and sometimes it feels like the baby is popping some popcorn in my uterus :o) I love the little movements. And, as much as I can't wait for them to be strong enough for John to feel it from the outside, I am totally loving my exclusive one-on-one time with the small human being that has been the source of my sickness for so long, hehe. How could a cute little baby that "flutters" wreak so much havoc on my body? But, those little flutters and popcorn make it all worth it!

We have been praying over our beautiful baby every day. And, I have finally gotten my act together a little more (thank you, Jesus again for the excessive yuckiness being over!). Therefore, I have been able to really pray the Scripture verses that John and I picked for our children over this precious baby. What a sweet time to feel little kicks as I pray Scripture for our baby to answer God's call on his or her life. I have always loved praying verses over my husband and am now loving to pray for our baby.

Sometime this week we will finally upload our ultrasound picture from week 8! The baby just looks like a cute little blob. But, it's our little blob :o)

Lost Innocence

Over the last week or two, I've had a few nights where it's been really tough for me to fall asleep. I just lay there staring at the ceiling in the dark and my mind runs wild. I try to control it and just get to bed, but sometimes my crazy thoughts have won.

Like, last night. I was tired and not feeling well, so I wanted to fall asleep quickly. But, instead, there I lay replaying the miscarriage over and over in my head. Laying there, despite how nauseous I feel, wondering if I am just an incubator yet again for a baby that has stopped growing.

Last night, I explained to John some of my fears and he responded with, "Yeah, I kinda feel like since we've been excited, that we're just waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under us,". Oh, how I couldn't agree more.

At the same time, we are spending each day excited and with a grateful heart for this baby. There are some people that have not and will not see a positive pregnancy test, no matter how hard they pray. I know that to even be pregnant twice, with two precious children, is a gift. Even if "the rug gets pulled out from under us," I will be thankful for both times having to be pregnant. But, every once in a while, a dark night creeps up on me and I can't help my mind wandering.

When I had another night like this one about a week ago, I just kept telling John how we never got to fully experience the innocence and well, naivety of a first time pregnancy. We already know and have experienced what bad can happen in a pregnancy on our very first go at it all. I just think it's different when it's your first. Listening for a heartbeat has not and probably will never be a fully innocent experience for us. The very first time a heartbeat was searched for, there was none to be found. When the morning rolled around for us to check for this baby's first heartbeat, it was terrifying. That experience never had the chance to be innocent or fun.

I'm really not complaining about any of this, I just almost feel sad for the little girl I was when I always dreamt of being pregnant. I couldn't wait to marry the man of my dreams and we would have the most perfect pregnancy resulting in the most perfect first child. I just feel a little saddened for my first baby that he or she never had the chance to grow or for us to hear his or her heartbeat. I feel saddened for this baby that didn't get the "belly pictures" every week like the first one, or that his/her first ultrasound was a worried one for us or that hearing his/her heartbeat for the first time was terrifying because we didn't know if we could trust it.

BUT, if nothing else, we are trusting the Lord. We are putting our hope in Him to do what's best for us and our little baby; no matter what that may mean. We are expecting for God to do great things despite our fears, questions, excitement, or ultimately, ourselves. And, therefore, I think we are in the best place we can be...full reliance on One that is infinitely worth more glory than anyone else

A Little Phillips On The Way!!

On January 2, 2010, John and I saw the little plus sign on a home pregnancy test. It's funny how this time around, there was no "I feel like I just got hit by a train, in a good way" statements made. We both just commented on how peaceful things seemed and here we go again! And, then, I'm pretty sure we both just went back to bed! Haha. Hey, it was a Saturday morning and sleep sounded good :o) Our precious little one is due on September 13, 2010, which makes me 12 weeks.

The last two months have been a whirlwind of emotions. This new baby has brought some healing and has also brought to mind sad memories of our first pregnancy. Don't get us wrong, you probably couldn't meet two more overjoyed people to have a baby on the way. But, this baby and our first one are two completely different human beings. And, therefore, this baby in no way replaces our first one or causes us to "just get over what happened the first time". I'm not quite sure if a day will ever come that I don't wonder what our first baby would have looked like. What he or she would have wanted as their favorite after school snack. Etc. But, at the same time, we are so very thrilled at the possible opportunity to get to experience those things with this beautiful baby.

I can honestly say for the first time in my life, that I desire God's will more than my own. There are many times I have prayed to experience that 100% or wished that I could figure out how to get to that place. And, these last several months, I think I have really begun to understand what it means to carry my cross daily. The strength of the Lord is what got us through our miscarriage and we believe that if the Lord called us to walk that road again, we would continue to pray for the Lord to be glorified. One of our constant prayers lately is that the Lord would do whatever gives Him the most glory with this baby. If that means to take our baby home to Him, than so be it. But, if it means to let this baby enter the world, than so be it. We pray the Lord will give us this baby to raise, but we can truly say we desire His will more than anything else.

Driving the way to the doctors office almost 4 weeks ago for our first ultrasound, John and I were both pretty quiet in conversation. We played Hillsong United's "Arms Open Wide" and sang it at the top of our lungs. I had tears in my eyes and pondered what the morning might hold. I also thought back on the devastating 2nd ultrasound of our first baby. Such mixed emotions that day. I brought my clinging cross from this post, and clung as the ultrasound began. The very first second or two, I thought I didn't see the heartbeat. But, then, there it was. A little blob of a baby (hehe) with a flickering image of a heartbeat. Cool as a cucumber, just kickin' back and hanging out. And, the baby was 8weeks 3days, which was almost a week past when the first baby stopped growing. What a great morning.

Theeeen, I was put in the hospital that same day for dehydration. I was also diagnosed with hyperemesis, which basically means I haven't been able to stop throwing up. The actual hyperemesis probably lasted a total of 4 weeks. I wasn't able to keep any food or drink down :o( I've lost 4 pounds this first trimester. I'm still trudging through morning sickness now, but am finally getting to the point where I can keep some stuff down. I've joked with John that I have been so insanely sick that I haven't even had the time or energy to worry about if the baby is going to be fine! Haha. So, I guess the extreme yucky feeling has been a blessing in disguise :o)

One week ago we had an appointment and heard the baby's heartbeat! As most of you remember, that was our appointment where we found out about our first baby. So, it was such a relief when the heartbeat was found right away. Still pumping nice and strong!! That was an amazing day. All of the euphoria had me feeling better the rest of the day! But, then I was yucky again the next day, haha. But, still crazy excited!

I'll leave it here for now! But,we know two things, 1) we are crazy excited about this beautiful baby, and 2) this little one will grow up knowing that he or she had an older brother or sister that prepared our hearts to love him/her in a way that we probably never could have before

"My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your name, and forever I will pray, have Your way..."

Sorry It's Been So Long!

Good grief, it has been like a million years since I've updated on here! Life has actually been pretty crazy lately! Lots of turns and shifts and ups and downs...all of which I'm sure I'll update you on soon enough :o) But, many have wondered how we are doing and I figured it was high time to write on here.

As the New Year rolled in, I remember thinking on the 1st of this year that it's time to walk in a fresh new start. I also remember driving home and crying my eyes out on the phone with my husband. It was such a jumble of tears and hurt and desire for more healing. I can't even remember half of that conversation. But, I do remember repeating several times, "I think I'm just really tired and I'm probably hungry for dinner". And, I think that was true, because I ate a good dinner and went to bed early that night! It's amazing how much hunger and lack of sleep (see, only 4 hours of sleep the night before) can affect your attitude.

The last month and a half of 2010 have brought more tears over our baby. Yet, there has also come a peace through the tears. Somehow, there has come a great desire to constantly hand things over to Jesus. It's amazing how such a dark experience can leave you just desiring for the fame of Jesus to be had out of it. I also think as we're coming to a better, more healed place in all of this, I have wondered if I have suffered well. Did I really do all that I could to push glory to Jesus despite my heartache? I guess I won't really know the answer to that question until I see my baby again and stand before the Throne.

But, I do know, that regardless of what trials or blessings life can bring, there is only One Name that is greatly to be praised. I want to live my life in a way that continues to show people that Name. I want my little baby's memory to be one that has encouraged people toward life's one and only Maker.

And, through it all I have learned, that if Jesus gets more glory from my first baby only living a short time in the womb rather than living any time on this earth, than I can truly say I am glad the Lord is getting the most glory. I don't expect anyone to understand that statement. I just know that I have fallen more in love everyday with my Savior. And, I believe 100%, for the first time in my life, 100%, that Jesus is better than anything. And, that His control really is so much better than mine.

So, that's been the last month and a half; emotionally anyways! Life can be heartbreaking sometimes, but honestly, it kinda makes me feel like I am walking through the Bible (which is pretty cool). But, I'm learning how to continue to share Hope with others even when you feel like you're trying to find hope yourself...

It's Time To Love...

As Sanctity of Life Sunday (us Christians like to make names for everything, basically a day set apart to remember the lives that have been lost to abortion) draws nearer, I have been a little more reflective this year. There are so many precious, beautiful, and hurting women out there that have lost a baby (or babies) to abortion.

I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt and pain that comes after having an abortion. I know how hard the last few months have been on John and I, and we didn't choose to lose our baby. No matter how tough the exterior of a woman that has been through an abortion, there is an emotional hurt that I am sure has no comparison to anything else. I have experienced the hurt with someone extremely close to me. And, it has taken her a very long time to come to a place of healing from her decision. But, she has also come to realize how gracious our wonderful Savior is that she will get to see her baby one day! Maybe my baby and her baby are hanging out right now :o)

I have always been extremely upset at how some "churches" or some "ministries" choose to approach the topic of abortion. And, you know what? The truth is, I am just flat out tired of it. I am tired of just sitting by and crying or screaming to myself at how some people choose to approach those in need of Jesus. And, I know I have several readers of this blog that are not Christians. Let me be the first to say, I am so very sorry at how we behave day in and day out. But, let me encourage you not to look at us morons and I can help you seek out the grace, mercy, compassion, pursuance, and love found in Jesus Christ.

Now for us Christians...I don't know when it became okay for us to treat those that have sinned as less than us, but can I be the one to help remind all of us what we are? We are measly, "righteousness worth as filthy rags", SINNERS. And, I dunno about you, but the last thing on my mind before I was a Christian, was whether or not I was pleasing God. If I was getting an abortion, the last thing that would make me stop is hearing about how much "God despises this and that". If I was already headed down that path, I would already be in the position where I think a risky surgery is the answer instead of any other options, so why would I be inclined to hear that now God's gonna hate me, too? Have we forgotten that darkness doesn't want to walk in the light? So, why would someone that's not a Christian, feel the urge to do what's right?

The only thing I know is that Jesus saved me. I don't fully know why, but He did. And, I know that His heart breaks for every innocent baby that stops growing in the womb (including my baby that I miss so much and for every precious aborted baby). And, I know that according to the love that Jesus has shown me, I want to show some of that love to any woman that has an aborted baby. Praise God that we live in the NEW Testament now, not the Old.

And, even if we lived in the Old Testament (which I am in right now, thanks to my Bible reading plan for 90 days), it is still so obvious how God pursues those that are lost and in sin. I mean, let's just look at the Israelites for example, time and time again they complained against the Lord even though He just got done rescuing them out of slavery. And, what does the Lord do? Sure, His anger starts to build, but He also continues to pursue them with love and blessing.

All I ask, is that we really try to remember what God's love is like on this Sanctity of Life Sunday. Remember how either myself or you could only be a few decisions away from an abortion. Would you want Christians to turn their back on you with hatred yet declaring it's what God would want them to do? I am SO happy that Jesus never turned His back on me or on you.

Doing Everything Right...

For those that know me, I am an insane rule-follower. I am a task-oriented person, a total overachiever, and I hate for anyone to think I have failed at something. With all of that, it is very easy for me to slip into legalism with faith. But, with the help of my freedom loving husband, I have stretched out of my legalism a lot more over the last year and a half.

I've always been one to exclaim to people looking for advice about what to do in a possible sinful situation, that plainly put, God loves obedience. And, when you don't want to be obedient, you just do it anyways. Pray for your heart and attitude to align with your actions and God always seems to bless it.

But, then comes the issue of suffering.

I can easily say without hesitation or questioning of myself (which I tend to do a lot, thanks to my overachiever-ness) that I have walked more dark valleys than I have sung from the mountaintops. I could list everything out and make you feel bad for me, but that's pathetic and not the point I want to focus on. But, I would like to say, with God's help, for the most part, I clung to the Lord in the nasty times and have remained obedient. Even when, time after time, the suffering that I have found myself in has been nothing that I could even remotely control. And, believe me, I have majorly screwed up before, but I'm talking in general here. And, I'm not talking about the kind of suffering that's because of a consequence to my own sin. It's interesting how quickly people will proclaim their life as hard, but really it's just different consequences to different sins they have found themselves in. I am not saying consequences are easy, they stink, BAD. But, they are also expected and simply make sense for a just and fair God.

The kind of suffering I am talking about now, is the kind where you've "done everything right" (quotations because, of course we are imperfect and will absolutely never do everything right), but things still go south. The kind of suffering that makes absolutely no sense when written on paper. The kind where there just isn't a dang reason for it, yet, just like Job's friends in the Bible, everyone tries to come up with an excuse for why it has happened..."well, God must be trying to teach them this..." "well, they must have committed this sin..." "well....well....well...."

There are some days, over the last three months, where I have been overwhelmingly honored that the Lord would allow me to endure this trial. He has deemed John and I worthy and able to handle this terrible amount of heartache. He knew how we'd react. He knew I would cry and cry and cry for months. But, yet, He knew that some how, some way, we could make it through this and that He would receive glory out of this. Oh, how on these days, I pray that the Lord would always count me worthy of suffering to bring more fame to His name!

But, then I have days, like yesterday, where I cry to my husband how, "It just isn't fair!". I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have whispered, uttered, moaned, cried, and flat out screamed that over the last 3 months. Then, I say things like, "My whole life, whenever things messed up around me, I still gave glory to God. I never ran from Him, even when it felt like He didn't like me because of all the bad things happening. I did things right, the way you were supposed to, and here we are. This just isn't fair!! I don't know that I can keep 'doing everything right'; this wasn't supposed to happen." And, yesterday, as I tried to fall asleep for a nap, I was quiet. I was still. And, the Lord spoke to me...

(no, not audibly...maybe more on that later)

"Jesus did everything right. And, what happened to Him, just wasn't fair. But, He walked through it anyways. And, because of it, the world has never been the same. YOU have never been the same"

There was such a comfort at that. He really did. He did it all right. And, you know what? What happened, just wasn't stinkin' fair. But, there was more glory to God than ever given before.

Thank you, Father, for considering me worthy over and over again to bring glory to You.

"...that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death" Phil. 3:10


"Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name. And every day, in the temple and from house to house, they did not cease teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ." Acts 5:41, 42