Grace Poured Out

Most days I feel overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. Most days I question if I can really be the wife and mom that I so desperately want to be for my family. Most days the enemy finds a way to attack my resolve to stand in the gap for my family. Some days I foolishly let him win, and some days I refuse to let him think he has a chance with my family through the great power of the Holy Spirit. 

Then, I have a day like today. A day where the only thing I am overwhelmed with is the grace that God chose me. ME. to be in this family. He chose ME to be the wife of the most amazing man I've ever known. He chose ME to be the mom to a baby in heaven and two precious little girls. It's a beautiful gift and I get to do it. Not anyone else in the whole world gets to be John's wife or these babies mom. 

I come from a broken family. My two main adult influences growing up were my mom and grandmother. Both single women. One from divorce and the other separated by death. I didn't grow up learning Bible verses or about how much God loved me. I don't have any siblings so I have no personal experience regarding Ella and Charlotte's relationship. The list can continue and grow more detailed, but you get the idea. 

Some days the enemy tries to trick me into believing that I have a long list of things that disqualify me from being the prayer warrior wife and mom that is my heart's desire. 

But, today? No, he doesn't get to whisper those lies to me today. Instead, I am choosing to be amazingly overwhelmed with God's grace that He chose me to be the wife and mom in this family. He chose me with all of my junk, my shortcomings, my failures, and my sin. 

I don't deserve to be John's wife and receive the most meaningful, fairy tale style love I've ever had, outside of my relationship with God. I don't deserve to be the one to show TWO daughters how to love the Lord and grow up to be women that bless others. 

But, regardless of what I do or don't deserve, I will spend the rest of my days crying out to the One that lavished this type of grace over my life. May He be glorified through me and the most beautiful family I could have ever dreamed!

Ella is ONE!!

On September 11, Ella turned one year old!! Does anyone else feel like that's crazy?! Because, I sure do!

Her party invitation

Our new birthday tradition started with
Ella! Every time someone has a birthday
in our little family, the wreath will come out
for the week!

Dessert table! All pink desserts (including
the yummy strawberry filled Oreos in the back)
I made the table skirt with various ribbons,
streamers, and tulle. I loved the way it turned
out!

The pom-poms! I adored these and had a really hard time
taking them down! A few are in Ella's room now :o)

Her birthday banner! I started out making
one idea I had and then changed it to this one!
I really love the way it turned out (even free-
handing each letter, ahhhh!!). The backdrop is
the same as the tableskirt, ribbons, streamer, and
tulle.

Pretty pink flowers and ribbons instead of a
table runner!

Garland made from Ella's 1-11month pictures. In between
each picture was a tulle puff as I called them, haha

The favors...Good & Plenty! We liked the idea of the pink
and white candy, so we made up a little tagline to go with it!

Our family!

Showing off her birthday outfit! The hairbow
and tutu are the same she wore in her 1-11
month pictures.

I just love this picture! We let her go to town with the
ribbons and streamers after her party!

On her actual birthday the next day! We went
to church and then the zoo! Here she is with her
Nana (John's mom)

At the zoo!!

Ella's birthday was full of such precious moments that I hope we never forget! Including all hands on deck to get everything set up before her big party! I am so glad both John and I's mother's were in town. Plus, John is always such a huge help with stuff like this and I honestly couldn't be more grateful.

In the days leading up to Ella's party and birthday, I continually prayed that she would feel overwhelmed with love by everything that was put into it. And, through our love that she would get even just a small glimpse of God's love for her. That's why we stayed up late making pom-poms or garland or making my crazy table skirt because I had the idea at the last second. And, you know what? I think she did experience some of the depth of the love we have for her. Of course we pray she sees it everyday, but I think her birthday weekend was full of reminders for her!

Thanks everyone that came to the party and of course, our family that helped out SO MUCH!! Our little girl has been the biggest blessing of our lives and thanks for helping us to show her that in a new way :o)

Ella Update and Baby Update!!

Two rather fun milestones shared a day today!! First, is that sweet baby Ella is ELEVEN months old today! Bahhh! One more month until the big one year...so excited! And, the second fun thing of today is that we got to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time...yay!

Ella Tidbits:

--We really think she gets sweeter every day! She still has her fiery/strong-willed streak in her, but she has calmed down a whooole lot the last few months. She giggles and smiles and gives kisses now. I just love that little laugh!

--She is loving her some finger foods! Anything soft, mushy, and dairy-free will be eaten up in a snap! We've actually had to resort back to breaking up her puffs and making even smaller pieces of food than before. Girlfriend likes her food and thinks it's a challenge to shove as much food in her mouth at once as possible. Therefore, after she choked and changed color a couple of times, I decided I would much rather break everything into the smallest pieces for the rest of her life than be a freakazoid that she's going to choke. She has since started to slow down a bit, so maybe we'll try whole puffs and bigger pieces again...maybe :o)

--No crawling! But, for the first time in her life, she is actually seeming like she might be interested. She's been putting herself on her tummy a lot lately (which has NEVER happened before). She's pumping and sometimes seems like she's about to crawl. But, then she either stops or rolls over, haha. But, regardless, she's been getting around by scooting on her bottom which is hi-lar-i-ous. I've always thought she'd skip crawling altogether, but she may just give it a go!

--She's still rather hairless. But, her hair is definitely still dark and her eyes are most definitely bright blue. She also has a little curl to her hair during bathtime. Of course, that makes me so happy!

--Little Miss talks and talks and talks. I really think she believes she is talking in full sentences and telling us stories. She will babble on and on and on. Her most frequent words are: dada, mama, and baba (maybe for the baby brother or sister she will have in February?! Can I get a what, what??)

--Still taking 2 naps a day (thank you, Jesus! Sickly mama needs her morning nap still, hehe). And, sleeps 11-12hours a night. She's a great sleeper and still loves her crib. We don't take it granted for a second!

--She is SO girly. Her noises, her squeals, her tone, the way she crosses her legs, the way she holds her hands, etc. She is just the girliest baby I have ever met! You take the pink away from her, and the hairbows and simply by her voice and mannerisms, you would KNOW she's a girl. And, can I tell you something? I totally love it!!

Now for some Baby Phillips tidbits:

--This pregnancy has been completely different than my one with Ella. The biggest difference being my sickness level. This first trimester has been what I would assume most women mean to be "bad morning sickness". I throw up, I've lost 2 pounds, smells make me cringe, and all around just feel nauseous 24/7. I have begun to realize that my sickness level with Ella was just flatout not normal. The doctor's weren't kidding, I really did have hyperemesis and it was terrible. With her, I had already lost 10 pounds at this point, not two! With her, I couldn't get food, drink or stomach bile to stay down. Already I am feeling the sickness escape me (not 100%, but definitely getting there!) and with her, I was able to at least function again around 18 weeks. But, I was sick the entire. time. with her! I was very nervous about being sick for another 9 months, since I just went through that. But, it looks like the Lord may just spare me from that this time around!

--With Ella I was definitely a salt craver, but this time around, I don't seem to be biased toward either, haha! Time will tell which taste I crave more (especially since I am slowly getting to the point where I can eat again!)

--Today we heard the heartbeat for the first time and it was more difficult on me than I anticipated. If you remember, that's how we discovered we had lost our first baby. Since I didn't know what to expect that first time around, it didn't seem a big deal to me that the doctor kept looking and looking and couldn't find it. Then, couldn't on the portable ultrasound and ultimately nothing on the big ultrasound. I didn't think anything bad was going on until that big ultrasound (because our first ultrasound was just fine). There have been a lot of similarities of this pregnancy with our first baby and that's been hard on me. Then, today came and the doctor had to search for our precious baby's heartbeat. The look on the doctor's face wasn't very reassuring. I felt my whole body go weak and my brain hit overdrive. With the first baby, I had begun feeling much better but just assumed it was because the first trimester was ending. I have also thought the same thing this time around. So, when it took a minute to find the heartbeat, I was immediately back on the table, in my old doctor's office, in Orlando. But, this time, I wasn't naive and thinking everything was fine. Rather, this time, my mind ran right to the worst place in a split second. But, thankfully, he did find the heartbeat and everything was perfect. Nice and strong at 158 bpm.

It's been a strange day for me so far. Joyful for the life that God is growing within, but sorrowful over what happened almost two years ago now. It's amazing how something similar can take you back so quickly. I'm also sorrowful because hearing Ella's heartbeat for the first time and now this precious baby's were more of relief in the moment rather than abundant joy. But, I was just telling a dear friend today that I think one of the reasons that the Lord allowed us to lose our first baby was to teach me to cherish every single moment of my future children. And, that is what I am choosing to do today.

I will cherish the fact that my daughter is 11 months old and I love her more than I ever thought imaginable. I will also cherish that the Lord is allowing me to experience pregnancy one more time and Lord-willing, have another precious baby to cause my cup to runneth over even more!

Another Baby!

Little Miss is about to become a Big Miss! That's right, we are expecting another Phillips baby :o) Ella and our little peanut will be 17 months apart (oh. my. word.) and we couldn't be more excited! More details to come, but we had our first ultrasound yesterday. And, everything looks absolutely perfect! We fell in love with the peanut pretty stinkin' quick and come February, the Phillips house is going to be a little bit cuh-razy. And, weeeee love it!

Happy Father's Day, John!!

One of the things I absolutely knew I wanted in a husband was for him to be a great father to our children. And, I can honestly say that John surpasses even my highest hopes for a great dad for my children. He is ridiculously selfless when it comes to caring for me and baby girl.

He is such a hands-on dad and Ella absolutely loves him for it! He knows I am not a morning person (and, well, he's not either) and eight out of ten mornings, he is the one to get Little Miss up in the morning. He gets her up, snuggles her some, changes her diaper and brings her on downstairs. When we go out to eat and if Ella is not a happy camper, he will insist (despite my tries to intervene) that he can take care of her. He'll let his food get cold or eat one-handed, just so I can get a small break and enjoy some food. If we are headed out, he will always be the one to lug her carseat in and out of the car. He loves wearing her in the baby carrier on walks and out and about. He even made her baby food one evening (steamed sweet potatoes and then pureed them up) because I was a little sleepy.

All of those things are just a small glimpse into the million little things he does every. single. day. to love on his baby girl and take care of his wife. I am crazy-blessed and have no idea why God gave such a great man to Ella and me!

John, we love you so much and hope that you have an amazing father's day!!!

All Things Ella!

I figured it was time for another update on the princess of the Phillips household!

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning" Here is our "morning"!

--She will be 9 months in less than 2 weeks! So crazy to think we're not too far off from a birthday party

--She's eating pureed solid foods, but still figuring out finger foods. She hasn't quite connected the fact that when she grabs a chunk of food she can put it in her mouth. It's rather comical because everything else in the world she picks up goes in her mouth, but not actual food!

Giggly baby!

--We are still staying away from everything that is dairy. I plan to talk with the doctor more at her 9-month check-up to try and figure out how we determine in the future if she has a true dairy allergy or not. We tried her on a dairy formula when she was 7 months (we supplemented for just under a month) and she broke out like a mad woman. So, it was kind of a nice little test to see if the dairy would still cause her to get crazy eczema. But, now I'm wondering more about the future. I don't want to expose her to anything that could cause her throat to close up or something terrifying like that! So, we'll see what the doctor's advice is on that one :o)

Why scoot around on your tummy if you can do it while on your back?

--She has no interest at all in crawling. Seriously, she could care less about it. She still HATES being on her tummy. I can amuse her for a minute or two on her tummy before the screaming starts, but then she screams and rolls over. Haha. But, every once in a while, during her brief tummy time, she'll make some moves that lead us to believe she's about to crawl! Personally, I'm just enjoying the immobile time while it lasts. Because, I know it'll be a whole different ball game soon enough!

--She likes to sit up for a little while, but for whatever reason, likes laying on her back better. I've tried to keep her from laying back down before and she'll throw a mini-tantrum and push back on my hand as hard as possible to get back laying down. Some days she'll sit up and play a whole lot, while other days, she's on her back a lot.

Whenever she's doing something funny and we pull the camera out
she immediately stops and gives this face!

--If the sitting up versus laying down thing doesn't prove she's strong-willed, then spend a day with us and you can see all of the other little things she does that proves her strong personality :o) She keeps things interesting and I love it!

She loves to get into everything! So, she's helping mommy go through coupons :o)

--She is babbling away these days. Mama was her first word and her new word is Dada. She is also so very loud in her babbling. And, I. Love. It. She loves to talk and it's pretty much non-stop these days. It's my favorite sound in the whole world!

--Her current favorite toy is a plush doll of Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) that she got for Christmas. Even today she was crying because John was holding her and she wanted me to hold her (I had to throw that in there, because she is such a daddy's girl), then John grabbed her Aurora doll to show her and she instantly had a huge grin. But, she was still crying. So, John and I were cracking up at the smiles mixed with tears

She seriously melts my heart

--Speaking of princess stuff, any time she sees anything Disney princess she starts smiling! Her favorite book at the moment is Tangled, she smiles the whole time! I'm so excited to take her to Disney again, because I think she would be a smiling fool over meeting the princesses

She loves her daddy!

--She has gotten so ridiculously sweet. She has always been a sweet baby, but lately she just seems to be getting sweeter. So many smiles, giggles, flapping her arms in excitement, and enjoys a good hug!

--She still sleeps great and I couldn't be happier about that! I don't take it for granted at. all. And, tonight, for the first time she is sleeping with no sleep sack! She fell asleep just like normal, so I am hoping she snoozes just like normal. With the weather being so much hotter outside, it was time to ditch the added warmth.

I'm beginning to notice in a lot of the pictures I chose, she's in her carseat

--She is getting more hair! I can clip a small hairbow in it while we're at the house. I don't trust going out into public with a bow clipped straight to her hair, because it falls out pretty easily, haha. But, her hair is still pretty dark and looks curly when wet!

Those are all of the highlights I can think of for now! We are loving her more and more every day. It's hard to believe there was a time when she didn't exist in our lives. But, it's also hard to believe that she's our child! So funny all of the random emotions and thoughts that parenthood bring. She is such a joy and most certainly the greatest blessing of my life!

Yeah, What She Said!

Read this blog right now! Yes, click on the link and read my friend Elizabeth's blog.

I agree with everything in it and just take out the whole Texas part and the Elizabeth part and insert with Georgia and Jennifer. Got it?

Friends, please come visit the Phillips house. We are always stocked with Oreos and if that's not enough to bribe you to visit us in Hotlanta, then here's a sure way to get you to make the trip...

Lent to the Lord

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." 

-1 Samuel 1:27, 28b

The above verse is one that I prayed and prayed before becoming pregnant with Ella. I prayed that if the Lord would grant my petition asking for a child, that I would do as Hannah and give my child to the Lord. Then, after finding out I was pregnant and the anxiety of the entire pregnancy, I pleaded these verses.

And, now she's here. She's strong-willed like her mother. Yet, loving like her daddy. And, y'all she is the most beautiful baby I have ever laid eyes on. Sometimes, I just stare at her and wonder how in the world a baby so pretty came to be mine. Her laugh is ridiculously contagious. As soon as she starts, I can't stop, which in turn, makes her laugh harder. I couldn't ask for a greater blessing than Ella.

But, then comes the pesky second part of that Scripture. The whole, giving her over completely to the Lord. That seemed much easier when I prayed it before she actually got here. I know all of the spiritual answers and agree with them, but that doesn't make it any less difficult.

If you want to know the truth, a little window into the last 8 months, my struggle with the Lord has not been an easy one in this area. I know what it's like to hand your baby over to the Lord and then things end in the way you never expected. I also know that doesn't hold a candle to the pain of parents that, for whatever reason, the Lord called their child home far sooner than they ever planned. 

And, here I am, clinging to my baby scared that the Lord may not know what's best. What if I miss a step when going up or down the stairs with Ella and something bad happens? What if I lay her down for her nap and she doesn't wake up? What if she chokes while eating? What if I'm driving on the highway and something starts to happen in the backseat and I can't get to her in time? What if...?

Unfortunately, I can give you lots of different stories from my life where I trusted the Lord and things didn't turn out how I planned for them. And, some days I truly struggle in handing over my baby to the Lord. Does He really know best? Do I really, truly believe that God is good?

Tonight, I cried my eyes out to John and explained how sometimes I feel that I am just waiting for something to go bad with Ella. We discussed a lot of it and traced back the roots of the fears. Half of it being the loss of our sweet first baby. But, after we talked some, we decided to sneak into Ella's room to watch her sleep (one of my favorite things!).

Well, she heard us (oops!) and awoke, crying. I picked her up and held her close. She instantly fell back asleep. Then, as I was swaying her, I looked up and noticed the above verse that is painted above her crib. I instantly got teary and felt the Lord whisper, "When are you really going to lend her to me?"

Wow.

Don't get me wrong, the Lord gave mother's an instinct to protect their children. It's amazing how He crafts that within a woman that has a baby. It's okay to be careful and to protect my little one. But, there is also the point where if it's done out of fear and worry, that is in no way trusting the Lord with my baby.

I am learning what it means to hand over my baby. 

Every. Single. Stinkin'. Day. 

I am ridiculously, unbelievably, immeasurably, beyond blessed to be given the gift of Ella. And, I will spend the rest of my life handing her over to the Lord and praising Him for letting me care for His creation in her!