He Loves Me

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:6-9 [emphasis mine]


The last several days I have been overwhelmed with a truth that seems to be such an elementary Christian principle...


God's love. 


I'm not quite sure that I have ever felt this enveloped with His love as I have the last few days. As life hurries on by, I think about how I was supposed to be 17 weeks today, the holidays have somehow already shown up, and  how I had an awkward conversation with someone I bumped into that asked me extremely random questions about my miscarriage...I feel an insane sense of God's pursuing love in a way I never have before. 


I think it all started with the lines of the same worship songs that I have been listening to over and over and over again this last month. I have needed songs to push me to Jesus when I sure as heck don't feel like walking to Him. And, here's what I've kept hearing...


"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, 
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us" -David Crowder

"No one has ever known

This kind of love You've shown
There has never been a greater love
Than Your son
No, Not one" -Christy Nockels

"I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet" -David Crowder

"Fair is the sunshine, fairer still the moonlight

And, all the twinkling starry hosts

Jesus shines brighter, Jesus shines purer

Than all the angels Heaven can boast" -Christy Nockels

"And this is my prayer through the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me, Lord, through the flame

And, I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain" -Hillsong United

This last one, by Hillsong United, reminded me of those verses I put at the beginning. I want, no need, to have the faith that is proved more worth than gold. I do not want to go through all of this junk and not end up on the other side with this kind of faith. I really do want that kind of faith. I sure don't feel like I am anywhere near it right now. But, how much would it stink to look back on these moments a few years from now and think,

"Wow, that miscarriage really broke me. It broke me to the point of never being the same again. And, because of that, here I am. Miles and miles away from the One that tried to carry me through it."

And, beeeelieve me, I have been pretty close to having that statement be true of me.

Even though it's tough to think at times this could be possible, this is what I want to say to when I look back at these moments a few years from now,

"Wow, that miscarriage really broke me. It broke me to the point of never being the same again. And, because of that, here I am. I'm still resting in the arms of the One that carried me through it. That first baby He gave me has changed my life in a way that has forever brought people to His same redeeming love that He shed on me."

Oh Lord, let the second be said of me.

The other day, I thought a lot about how much I love John. Good grief, I can't even begin to express the depth of my love for that man. Sure, he drives me crazy sometimes (had to include that in there, husband!), but I have never felt such a strong love for another human being in my entire life. I would literally, 100% do anything for that man. And, I think my brain exploded when I thought of the simple fact that God loves me more than the love I have for John. Then, the tiny remaining pieces of my brain exploded again when I thought that God loves my baby more than I do. There's a strange peace that has come with these all so basic truths of the God I am so desperately trying to serve.

He just wants to me lay the junk down and really let Him love me through all of this. I'm not so good at that. I am an overachiever through and through. The thought of not doing 110% at something or displeasing someone's expectations of me can be more than enough to bear. And, from the moments I walked out of that doctor's office on October 6th, just trying to make it to the car before I lost it, I have felt like I have not handled this in my normal, over-spiritual self.

It's almost like when I totaled my car at the age of 17. I was so terrified to call my mom and tell her that my car was now smashed upside down after flipping three times. I thought, "oh crap, she's gonna KILL me". Of course I finally called and she never once mentioned anything about the car being totaled. She could care less because her daughter was okay. Once I got over the fact that I potentially disappointed my mom and realized that she just loved me and wanted to hug me and check to make sure I was okay, I was able to really let my mom hold me and I could cry and cry over how scared I was, how I didn't know what to do next. And, she completely accepted me. And, she never once mentioned all of the insurance woes, the money lost, the medical bills, etc.

That's how I feel right now. I'm finally getting over the fact that God doesn't care if I haven't read my Bible much through all of this. He doesn't care that I am not excited to sit in a pew and see a bunch of happy faces, complete with beautiful newborns getting pushed in a stroller. He doesn't blame me for this baby's death, even though I have struggled with that many times over, wondering if it's all my fault. Which, by the way, is ever so convenient for the enemy because my pit is always thinking everything is all my fault.

But, instead, my Jesus, He cares about me curling up in a ball and completely letting Him take care of me.

I am sitting here teary eyed right now just thinking about how much He loves me. How much He loves my husband. How much He loves my precious baby. How much He loves you. That one song up there by David Crowder, "All I Can Say", could have been written by me. Lord, I didn't even know You were right there crying with me, too. Even those times I cried out in severe anger and hurt towards You. I never knew You were crying, too. And, You still loved me...

Jesus, I've never seen You, but I do love You. Just like that verse. And, the crazy thing is, I know that you love me more than I could ever even begin to fathom. Help me to never ever become numb to the fact that You love me with a strong love. Teach me how to love my husband and others the way You desire for me to love them.