Update On Life!

I just realized it's been a little since I've blogged. And, the insanity that surrounds the holidays can be blamed for that :o)

Before we got married, John and I decided that we would have Thanksgiving and Christmas alternate from year to year between both of our families. Last year, we spent Thanksgiving in Orlando and Christmas in Texas. So, this year was flip flopped. We headed out to my mom's home on the coast (about an hour away) for Christmas week. It was fun to feel like we were getting away, but I was also pretty glad to make it back home to our own bed!

Because of everything that's happened lately, this Christmas just felt a little different at first. I was supposed to be 21 weeks this Christmas. But, surprisingly, I only had one big cry fest during the day on Christmas Eve. I was really doing just fine in the beginning of the day and then, we went to Denny's. What an unassuming place to have the start of my tear fest.

There I am. Eating my build your own grand slam, complete with chocolate chip pancakes. Mmmm, chocolate chip pancakes have always been my favorite breakfast! Well, that and biscuits and gravy. I mean, come on?? How can those two meals NOT be a favorite! Anyways, there I was and out of nowhere, everything hit me. It's Christmas and I'm not pregnant. This Christmas was supposed to be sitting  by the tree and dreaming of what our little one on the way would look like. I can honestly say I wasn't expecting for Christmas to be that hard. I felt like I had gotten through all of the big emotional landmarks until the due date hit, but I guess I was wrong.

But, after I balled my eyes out in the car on the way back home, I retreated to bed for a long nap. It is amazing how a little bit of sleep can make things somewhat better. And, from then on, I slowly got out of my funk and enjoyed the rest of the Christmas weekend! Including lots of after Christmas sales so we can actually have a decorated home next year, haha. I keep telling John, "I can't wait for Christmas next year! I just want to set out all of our new decorations right now, even though I would have to put them away tomorrow!" But, I guess I can wait ;o)

I must admit, it's a little weird going into 2010 so soon. It's funny how I was only pregnant for 10 weeks and 5 days, but with that came a lot of dreams and plans for the future. It's been tough to kind of switch that off and remind myself there's not a baby on the way. It's so crazy how in the grand scheme of life a couple of months is not long at all, but in such a short time, things can change so much. Before I walked through this, I never really thought I would be this affected by being pregnant for such a short time. Boy, was I wrong. Even though we don't have a baby on the way anymore, may the Lord be glorified through us in the upcoming year of 2010!

Learning About Contentment

How in the world did Christmas become only 9 days away?! I am sitting on the couch looking at our lovely first Christmas tree. That's right, it's a Charlie Brown Christmas tree! Yup, a few measly branches, a single red bulb ornament, and Linus' light blue blanket covering the base. At first, I was not digging the idea of ANY Christmas tree in our apartment. The reality is that we were out of town for the first few days after Thanksgiving, then a few days after that we were housesitting, and now we'll be heading to my mother's for Christmas week. Therefore, who wants to spend money on a tree, ornaments, decorations to only see it for a day or two? And, let's face it, I've been openly "bah humbug!", so the idea of going through trying to decorate our teeny tiny apartment, just seemed ridiculous...all until my husband mentioned the idea of Charlie Brown's Christmas tree! It was only $10, already had it's decorations, and how cute to have the movie come to life (plus, I get to express my bah humbug-ness in a cute way). And, I justified my negative Nancy attitude with the fact that if the Lord does bless us in the future with some kiddos, it will be so fun to have the Charlie Brown Christmas tree and watch the movie with the tree right next to the television :o)

All of that to say after getting our little Christmas tree, I used a gift card and Christmas'd up our front door. John was so excited to have some Christmas decorations out and that's ultimately why I did it all. The last few days I have had some precious time with my Jesus. And, in those moments, I have prayed that the Lord would really grow and instill in me the attitude of a Godly wife. What does that look like? What does it mean to outdo my husband with honor? How can I create a household in which he will always want to rush home?

One thing that has always stuck out to me from our wedding, was when our pastor, Keith Harmon, gave us both some tips of wisdom. One of those directed towards me was to never rush to defend my husband, but rather to always lift him up in prayer. I am sure that has saved me a lot of frustration already! But, today was one of those days where I spent extended time in prayer over him and over our marriage. I am so honored to get the chance to try and become the wife that he will always be head over heels for...especially when a lot of junky stuff is going on.

And, another thing that has stuck out a lot lately in my personal time with the Lord is the issue of contentment. I have always struggled with the idea that I am never 100% content with just the Lord alone. And, today it hit me, I won't ever be this side of Heaven. I will have moments, like I did today, where nothing else but the Lord matters to me. But, unfortunately, I will never 100% feel that way all of the time here on earth.

Even though I can sit here today and tell you that I am a woman that has experienced a lot of dark trials in my life, including the hardest of losing my first baby, that Jesus is far greater and better than anything I could ever dream of in the universe. If my husband went home to be with the Lord tonight, or if we were never able to have children, or if one of us gets cancer, or if I get pregnant again, bring that baby in the world just to lose the child moments later, or if John loses his job...Jesus is still greater and the love of my life. He would still be worthy of praise in all of those things and He is worthy of praise right now. I cannot explain in words how much I really do love Him. And, because I do love Him that much, I long for the day when my love for Him never gets distracted by anything else.

One day, in Heaven, that love will be fulfilled to it's true potential. There are moments in this latest trial, where Heaven has seemed more desirable just because of my baby and not because of my Jesus. But, the day will come where it's not even possible to put anything above Jesus' rightful place. May it be on earth as it is in Heaven...

It's Been Two Months

Well, December has already involved some packing and unpacking with more coming our way! We are housesitting again this week and at the end of December (Christmas week) we'll be headed to my mom's house for the week. If there's anything in the world I truly hate, it would be packing and unpacking. But, I survived the task for Thanksgiving in Texas with John's family, so I am sure I can figure out a way to survive the rest of this month :o)

And, yes, you read correctly...we are housesitting again! We are housesitting at the same place we did in October. I had the miscarriage on Thursday, October 8th and that Sunday we were off to housesit! At first I was thinking that I just wanted to be home during that time, but in the Lord's amazing plan, He allowed the housesitting to feel like a much needed escape. I am still so grateful that we had the 2.5 weeks here while I was recovering from my surgery...and it was free cable (which was an excellent distraction) and we got paid!!

This time around, we're here for 7 days. Our first day was this past Saturday. I was the first one out of John and I to arrive at the house that morning. As soon as I walked in, I was amazed at how quickly I was transported back to two months ago. The smell of the house, random rooms where I collapsed on the floor crying, the bathroom where I took long showers wondering how I was going to make it through the rest of the day, the living room where I restarted my 30 Day Shred regimen trying to lose the few pounds and get the stress out, the pool that I stared at because I wasn't allowed to go swimming because of the surgery, the kitchen where I heated up meals people gave us or made TV dinners for us because I didn't have energy for anything more, etc etc etc

Wow.

I am one of those people that for some reason, I take a smell and instantly connect it to a memory. It can be something as simple as, thinking I am buying a new deodorant, applying it and instantly remembering it is the scent I wore while dating John. Then, before I know it, I remember the feeling of dating some cute guy named John ;o)

Or, it can be walking into the home that I tried to recover from my miscarriage in and the scent instantly takes me back to the despair of those few weeks following that extremely dark time. And, wow, was it dark.

And, once again, the Lord's timing is perfect. I am so glad we're here housesitting again. God has used it to show me how far He has brought us since October 8th. I am not quite sure that I would have ever realized how much God really has healed our hearts. Now, don't get me wrong, He's definitely not done yet. It is still very tender and it's just going to take more time. But, I have gotten to a place where I can at least function throughout the day.

Today was one of my rougher days (since today was the 2 month mark) and I am still so much better off than I would have been 2 weeks afterwards. I was able to take care of the house and dogs today (which, the last time we here, John did most of everything). I was able to make a real dinner with a new recipe (and it turned out super yummy which was nice). I was able to even watch A Baby Story or two (on Discovery Health and/or TLC, my favorite channels that we don't get at home since we don't have cable!).

It's been a very sad day. That's the best way I can describe it, just sad. But, my adjectives two months ago would have been much more depressing. And, I do believe that I will always hold that this is just very sad. Therefore, I think I am finally settling into life post-losing your first child. I am figuring out how to live life when everyone else pregnant around me is finding out the gender of their child and I should know by now. I am learning how to accept that it's just not a part of the story for my first baby and it never will be. And, somehow, that's becoming okay.

Lord, hold my baby tonight!! And, let baby Phillips know that I am still in love and still miss my baby like crazy!

Mary, Did You Know?

My two most favorite Christmas songs in the whole world are "O, Holy Night" and "Mary, Did You Know?". I guess I have just always felt like they both capture all that was known and unknown that night. Both songs exhibit different emotions and thoughts of that special night in Bethlehem. Every time I hear either of these songs my brain and heart are immersed in thoughts of what that first Christmas must have looked like.

Every year I have always pondered on Mary at Christmastime. Maybe it's because all of my years prior I have thought how insane it would be to find out you're pregnant and have never even been intimate with a man! Haha. Seriously, think about it! And, this year...well, this year I am thinking about Mary's role in a whole new light...

She carried Jesus in her womb for nine months. Nine long months Mary could have dealt with morning sickness, backaches, waking up in the middle of the night just because she had to pee, mood swings, a growing tummy, a chubby face, and to end the whole thing, excruciating pain to push out that baby! But, then, there He was...her baby. She could finally see what He looked like. She finally got to hold Him tight. He arrived the same as any other human, but at the same time, completely different.

Then, these men of prestige show up with some pretty kickin' (might I add, expensive) gifts. I know what would have gone through my mind..."Um, how did you get the address of this manger?" Did reality set back in when these men came from afar to worship? Did she realize, "oh, that's right, this isn't just my baby"? Did she have a sense of overwhelming love for this baby that she waited nine months to see, just to remember that this child will have a purpose of no baby's destiny before?

Mary, did you have any clue that your baby would one day help me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart?
Mary, did you know that the Son you carried in your womb for nine months and took care of for so many years, would one day take care of me when I had to peel myself off of an ultrasound table?
Mary, did you ever wonder if that tiny little baby of yours would heal the hearts of everyone that would turn to Him?
Mary, did you ever begin to understand that over 2000 years later there would be a girl strangely jealous that you got to hold your first baby and she never did?
Mary, did you know that you would be able to see that girl's baby in Heaven before she ever got the chance to lay eyes on her child?
Mary, did it really hurt as bad as I'm imagining when they took your boy and hung Him on the cross?
Mary, how did you deal with the pain of those three days?
Mary, did you still hurt and miss Him even after you knew He conquered death?
Mary, did you ever think that people would actually come to love your precious baby as much as you did the night that you first laid eyes on Him?
Mary, did you know there would be a girl in Orlando, Florida on the evening of December 3, 2009 that could only find solace in the absolutely perfect baby that you bore into the world?

I think that every year I will always reflect on Mary and what it must have been like for her. But, I think that this year will always be the one that was a little bit different. I am so grateful that Mary was obedient to have that baby. I am so grateful that, even though it was tough, she knew that God had a plan for her child that she could never begin to grasp this side of Heaven. I think I can learn a lot from her this Christmas.