Why Does The Night Stink So Bad?

I have no idea what it is, but when the sun goes down, it seems like any type of sanity I have left goes down with it. So weird. I almost wonder if it has to do with a hormone shift. I know in the evening your body begins to decrease in certain hormones to get you ready for slumber. Maybe my mood has something to do with that? Or maybe it's just that the nighttime reminds me of how dark things feel right now. Or maybe it's both!

We went to church today. John took the morning off, so that we could both go to the service together. We slept in a little bit and then got up about 30 minutes before walking out of the door for the 10:45am service. When we walked into the worship center the service had just begun. I had one moment of slight panic when we first walked into the service. It might have all been in my head, but it felt like several people had turned to stare at us (and, even if they were I am sure it was out of care for us and that they were happy to see us). I am not sure if I could have squeezed John's hand any tighter or walked any faster than I did in that moment. But, all in all, it was good to be in church.

I have been so overwhelmed at how many people have been reading this blog. There are so many more people than the ones that have commented on here. I have gotten so many emails and text messages regarding my blog posts. You are all so very sweet and caring to actually read these things. Honestly, lately it has been to just try and sort through my emotions at the end of the day. But, it is so nice to know that so many of you are following our journey through all of this. I have no idea if we're handling it right or not, but we appreciate your prayers and support.

One of the things that has made me laugh the most about some of the responses I have received are about "my strength". I always say to John, "Did they actually read the blog??" A lot of times I feel like I am showing so much of my weakness and my current fragile state. I mean, let's see here...I ran out of a restaurant yesterday and balled my eyes out in the car! The grief really feels like it's stronger than me right now. But, even if it is, I do know that Jesus is stronger than the grief.

One of my latest struggles, amongst many, is deciding what to do with our baby stuff. And, by that, I mean the ultrasound pictures, pictures of us headed to the first doctors appointment, pictures of us celebrating the news at Sonic because it was the only thing that sounded good to me at the time, the pictures from me surprising John with the baby news, the card I gave John when I surprised him, the pictures we took every week of my belly so that we could track the growth, the baby book that I began to fill out with information of our baby, etc. I was originally planning to begin the pregnancy scrapbook while still pregnant. I knew that once the baby came, I wouldn't want to focus on the pregnancy book, but rather the baby's scrapbook. So, now I am trying to decide if I still make a scrapbook out of what I have. I don't know if that's something that would delay the healing process or help me through the healing process.

The reality is and always will be, this was our first baby. We will never again be pregnant for a first time. This was our first time. I will never have that feeling like a train hit me when I read the positive pregnancy test and wondering what it is going to feel like to be pregnant. Sure, I may experience part of that feeling again, but never in a way of how it was for my first. Just like when I surprised John and he about passed out, he may experience that somewhat again but not like the first time. Therefore, I do want to honor my baby and not feel like I am just throwing pictures in a box to try to get it away to forget about it all. The reality is, I can't ever forget this. Sure, I hope the pain lessens over time, but this will always be a part of our story. John and I will forever live the story that yes we got pregnant 3 weeks after getting married but we won't have a baby to hold on our 1 year wedding anniversary. I guess I just need to pray through on what I should do to remember our baby. Whether it's a scrapbook or something else, I know we should do something.

Well, in closing, I have started to read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. He has always been a favorite author and I have been amazed at this book so far. He is so honest and his pain is so real. He wrote the book (well, really it was his journal, he never originally planned to publish it) after his wife died. It's comforting to read the words of a spiritual giant like Lewis while he walked through a deep valley. I have found so many of his words to be relatable to me right now. And, it's pretty easy to read (unlike some of his books). If you are going through any type of grief, I would highly recommend this book so far.

I think I am going to try and go to bed at a decent hour this evening. I doubt it, but it's worth a try. But, once again, thank you all so much for reading and for your precious words of encouragement. John and I are extremely blessed. Even if God did not give us one more thing, He has already blessed us beyond measure. And, for those of you reading that do have children, you hug on those precious kids extra tight today and tomorrow. When you have to get up at 3am again, just know that there is a man and woman in Orlando, Florida that would do anything to be waking up to hold their baby at 3am in May, but they won't have that chance. Love on those beautiful children and give them a hug from me!

Another Day

Just to show that we are so confused on the concept of time right now, John turned on the TV this morning and saw a bunch of cartoons. He was like, wow, there are so many cartoons on right now. I responded with, well, it's Saturday. Then, he said whaaaat? No way! I laughed and told him that at least one of us knows what day it is every other day. Too funny. Once he realized the cartoon time was almost over (we had another late night last night, therefore we didn't really get up until later), he said he wished he got up earlier to watch more cartoons. Haha, I must say that I probably agree with him!

Today was another of the same. Lots of laying around on the couch or bed watching TV with intermittent moments of the internet or crying. We had some friends stop by today to bring us lunch, I kind of had to laugh afterwards at the way I looked when they came over. I was still half asleep, my hair all over the place, no make-up, gym shorts on with a t-shirt. But, they were sweet enough to not tell me how ridiculous I appeared. I probably looked even more pathetic than I really am, haha.

Today I actually had some more physical pain than usual since the surgery. I woke up in a little more pain than expected. But, praise Jesus for motrin. I am really ready for all of the physical pain to be over. Every time I have a cramp or bleeding, it is just constant reminders of the reality that my baby is no longer inside of my body. Hopefully, I will only have a couple more days of the phase we are in now.

Tonight, I took shower and actually decided to style my hair! That's right, who knew I would be so proud of myself for throwing some hair products in and blowdrying my hair. I told John (very randomly) that I wanted to go to the Florida Mall. I honestly have no idea why. The more I've thought about it, I think it's because we never go there. The Florida Mall always makes me think of our engagement. So, I guess I wanted to feel closer to happier times. We didn't really go into any stores, we just walked. Which, that was actually probably pretty stupid considering I had more cramping today than yesterday. Oh well.

It felt good to be out, but not really. When we walked out of the mall, I told John that it felt like everyone knew what they were doing. Like, everyone knew where to walk, what they were doing that night, etc. But, I felt as though I never got the memo on what I am supposed to do next or how I am supposed to feel. Then, John suggested we go to a Mexican restaurant in Kissimmee that we've been wanting to try. I knew back in my brain I wasn't totally up for it, but figured I would be fine once we got there.

I felt really out of it when we got to the restaurant. But, we sat down and ordered. I was pretty quiet and wasn't eating much. I have no idea why, but when our food came out. My eyes started welling up with tears. I started playing with my food and thought about how I'll never get to take my baby out to a restaurant with us. I'll never get to teach our child how to use a fork or a spoon. Then, my mind started to race with all of things I'll never get to show our child or teach our child. It all hit really hard and I told John I had to get out of there. I grabbed his keys and ran to the car. He paid for the food and got it to go. John and our waitress were great, because it didn't take that long.

There I was in our car, seat back, and me balling my eyes out. There I am in the parking lot crying out to God with like three groups of people near the car all talking to each other and loving life. While they are all talking, I'm lying there begging Jesus to hold my baby tight tonight. And, to tell my baby that I am so sorry that I never had the chance to hold him or her. And, I'm sorry I never got to teach anything to baby Phillips. I just kept begging Jesus over and over to hold my baby and to tell baby Phillips how deep my love is for my child. Then, I just kept telling Jesus how dark things are right now. And, how I have never walked anything close to this terrible before. Then, I told Him how regardless of how low things are, that I do know He is close.

It's so strange that I find myself writing these things on this blog or that I post stuff on Twitter or Facebook. It's like, my grief is so thick, I can't even think through what I am saying. Sometimes, after I post a Twitter, I regret it soon later. It's like I'm not thinking when I say it. Oh well. I guess I'm just being honest. But, I have always tried to not be that person that makes really awkward posts all the time and airs way too much private stuff in public. Hopefully my rantings just cause people to pray and that it helps get me through.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post the Bible verses I found to comfort me. I have never really known where I stood on the whole do miscarried babies go to Heaven issue. I've never had any reason to research that. The Lord gave me several passages today to comfort me that I can know that baby Phillips is with Jesus. I am one of those people that can't just believe in something because it sounds good, I need strong Biblical proof to trust a theory like this one. And, now that I have done the looking myself, I am so grateful to know that I will see my baby again one day. It's been a great comfort today.

We love all of you and are so grateful for you! Your prayers have gotten us through! Thank you for the words of encouragement, the meals, the gifts, and the overall support. You are one of the many blessings that God has provided through all of the yucky-ness!

Some Comfort on a Very Rough Night

Today has been okay. John and I have rested a lot. And, by rested, I just mean lounging around our home. Relaxing wouldn't be the word to describe our day, but it felt good to just lay in bed or on the couch. I have had very little concept of time since Tuesday at 1:50pm. The rest of it all has been one big clump of time. So weird. John told me this morning that it was Friday. I got so very confused by that. Seriously, it's Friday?! I guess I believe him, haha.

Isn't it funny that when you go through a trial and hear of other people living life normally, you feel so strange? It feels like the world is moving right on by you while it takes everything inside of you to just take a shower. It's almost been confusing for me. I don't even know how to explain it. It's not hurtful at all that people are living their life. It just feels like I am standing in the middle of Times Square. Like, everything is moving so fast and people are living life, while I am standing there in complete silence and no noise to be heard. Just there confused and not knowing where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do next.

I just keep thinking about Monday. I don't even remember my whole day that day. But, I woke up pregnant and thought of my baby most that day (like I did everyday since finding out I was pregnant). I went to Michael's with my 40% off coupon and bought a pretty fall Welcome sign for our front door. And, I bought fall leafy garland to outline our front door. Then, I planned to get a pumpkin sometime this week for John and I to carve. And, I kept thinking how next October we could take our baby to the pumpkin patch with us to take super cute pictures. I have always longed to start my own family and decorate for the holidays. So, I took forever in Michael's, wanting to buy the whole store out! I even wandered over to the scrapbook section to look at cutesy baby stickers. I had been taking pictures every week of my belly so that I could scrapbook the growth. I am glad that I ended up not buying any stickers. I decided I needed to finish the wedding scrapbooks before venturing to something new, haha.

But, overall, I just keep thinking that Monday was a day of being 24 and pregnant with my first child. And, Tuesday was the day I found out that wasn't the case anymore. Why? Can I go back to Monday and make everyday that day? I was telling John last night that from this point on, I will always have been pregnant at one point. I will have to check that box on medical paperwork of yes, I have had 1 pregnancy. But, do they have a box I can check that says, but I never had the chance to hold that baby? If, and when, we ever do get pregnant again, and people asked if it was our first, our answer will now be no. Then, they'll inevitably follow up with, oh you're second child! Umm, well, yes, but no? Just stinks.

Well, tonight I stumbled on a website that has remembrance gifts for miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Did you know that October is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Yeah, me either. How ironic for us? And, October 15th is National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day. Apparently, it is asked that you light a candle on the 15th at 7:00pm so that a continuous light will shine around the world in remembrance of our precious babies that were gone too soon. And, that will be exactly one week after our baby Phillips was born. We will be lighting a candle here at the Phillips household. We would love for you to do the same at your home at 7pm if you feel led to do so.

This website, www.myforeverchild.com, also had jewelry for remembrance of your miscarriage or pregnancy loss. John and I ordered a bracelet for me. It was oddly comforting. It has three charms on it. The first says, "Life" and has a rosebud on the other side. It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was conceived (August, the month I was born). The second charm is a butterfly to represent the day our baby was transformed. It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was miscarried (October). And, the third charm says "Wish". It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was supposed to be due (May). I can hardly wait to get it in the mail. It's supposed to take 7-10 days. But, I am hoping for sooner.

Also, this website had poems about miscarried babies and the pain that comes with it. Below are some of the poems. Some parts might be a little cheesy, but it helped me after a rough patch tonight. I cried through all of these, but especially this first one. I told John that I felt like I could have written it. It's like my thoughts word for word...

Just Those Few Weeks

For just those few weeks

I had you to myself.

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks,

I came to know you...

and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks...

when I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans, dreams and aspirations.

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks...

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks..

And no "normal" person would cry all night

Over a tiny unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I??

You were just those few weeks, my little one.

You darted in and out of my life too quickly.

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life richer

and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.

~S. Erling

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

Precious Little One
I'm just a precious little one who didn't make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I'm waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain.
I have all Heaven's Glory,
suffered none of earth's great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth's shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don't you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus' arms
from my loving Mother's womb.
~Author Unknown

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown

We miss you baby Phillips. But, cling tight to sweet Jesus. He will hold you until we get there to hold you

Jesus Makes the Woeful Heart to Sing

Once again, this post is probably going to be pretty raw. I think it helps for me to write my feelings out. It is a good way for me to process. And, it just makes sense to do it on here because then you can follow our story without asking us 100 times. I might get a little too graphic for some people in certain parts. If so, I am so very sorry. It is not meant to hurt you or to gross you out, I will try to be very intentional to include only what I feel helps you understand where we are coming from today.

On Tuesday afternoon, after we discovered our precious little one stopped growing, our AMAZING doctor walked us through our two options. The first being to let my body take it's natural course and pass our baby. The second being to have a D&C (surgery) to take out our baby. John and I talked about it a little on Tuesday but decided to wait until the next day to tackle the issue of what to do next. Wednesday morning rolled around quite abruptly (after 5 hours of sleep). I fasted breakfast that day and intended to at lunch as well, but physically couldn't handle skipping more than breakfast. There were lots of hunger pangs, so there was definitely a lot of praying that morning! Most of the prayers consisted of...

God, just let us know what to do...

I trust you, please give us peace...

I was really kind of stuck in the middle of both decisions by early Wednesday afternoon. Then, I asked John, if you had to make a decision right now, what would you say? He immediately said the operation. If I was somewhat leaning toward either choice, it was the D&C. So, I called the doctor's office, because I was ready to just get it over with.

Dr. Peppy personally called me back within the hour and I told him we wanted the D&C. He was so understanding and said we could do it as fast as the next day or a week from the next day, whatever we wanted. I responded that if the next day (Thursday) was possible, I would prefer that. And, before I knew it we had an appointment at the Sand Lake Surgery Center for 11:30am.

Dr. Peppy had written me a prescription for a pill to take 12 hours before the procedure that would help soften my cervix to make the procedure easier. Therefore, I took that pill at 11:30pm. No later than 11:35pm my body decided it wanted to naturally pass our child. I started bleeding. I felt like it was such an illustration of God's goodness. He knew I had a hard time with deciding on the D&C, even though it felt like the best decision. So, He just gave me that much more confirmation that our baby was ready to leave the womb.

Right around 1:30am, shortly after I had gotten off the phone with a dear friend, the cramping kicked up. The pill I took was designed to give me some cramping (to open the cervix). So, between my body's natural cramping and the pill, it's like the pain was on overdrive. From here on out, the time of things get kinda fuzzy. But, the contractions began to come closer and closer and get more and more painful. I actually vomited twice from the pain. I got the chills as well. Right when I was practically screaming that I couldn't take the pain anymore, one last round of contractions came. And, at the end of that round out came our precious baby. Was it a mini version of the babies you see at the nursery in the hospital? Absolutely not. Really, it was just a big clump of tissue.

But, that clump of tissue was supposed to turn into the baby I was going to hold in May. Here I am, in my bathroom weeping like I never have before and looking at my husband, then at what we had created together. I didn't want to let go of the toilet paper that held my dead baby. It was the only chance I would have, this side of heaven, to hold him or her. And, I never wanted to let go. I am weeping now as I type this, just remembering that moment of despair.

I was not supposed to meet this baby that way. I was supposed to be in a hospital in May with my husband as we celebrated the life of our precious newborn. I wasn't supposed to be clinging to toilet paper and trying to remember the image so that I'll never forget our baby. I have absolutely never been in a darker place of my life as I was last night. Despair, hurt, pain, confusion, etc, seems like a severe understatement. I literally have no words to describe the depth of these emotions. And, I feel like I have walked my share of dark valleys through my life. But, this one has trumped all of those by a million.

And, writing this almost makes me feel like I want everyone to know about my baby. Not the pain that John and I have gone through, but that our baby existed. Since our child never fully developed, not everyone will get to know that a baby came to the Phillips household in 2009. I just want our baby's story to live, even though our baby never had that chance.

Okay, now fast forward...after our baby came the contractions stopped and I could hardly believe how the physical pain had diminished so much, so fast. There was still some cramping and still bleeding, but nowhere near the same. Somewhere around 6:00am, John and I tried to get some sleep. He got probably at least a good hour, which I am grateful that he did. I on the other hand, got a solid 20 minutes. Which, believe it or not, I was so thankful for that. After several frantic phone calls to friends and the doctor's office, we finally got word to head to the doctors office. We arrived around 8:15am? I had an ultrasound to see if I had passed everything and then a physical examination.

My uterus needed to be less than 10mm and mine was 35mm. Dr. Peppy told us that if we continued naturally, it would probably be at least another week of heavy bleeding and cramping. He advised us to go through with the D&C. We completely agreed. So, we ended up at the surgery center 30 minutes earlier than we were originally supposed to be there. While I was filling out paperwork in the waiting room, I began to feel like I was going to break down. My personal favorite question on the questionnaire, was the very last thing I had to fill out...

For Females Only (Circle One):

Y or N Is there any possibility that you could be pregnant?

When was the date of your last menstrual cycle?

Are you kidding me right now?? I left the question blank. I legitimately had no idea what to put there. I handed the paperwork back in. Then, I decided to go to the bathroom. I took about two steps in (it was a one person bathroom) and I just fell to the floor crying. Which, hey, that had to be grief, because the floor of a bathroom at a surgery center? Ewww. I cried it out for less than minute and then I was reminded, Jesus is good, He is still good. I peeled myself off of the floor and went to the bathroom and just kept repeating in my head, Jesus is good, Lord, I know You are good, Jesus is good, Jesus is good. Talk about overwhelming peace right when I needed it.

Then, it was time to go back. I first had to go in pre-op all by myself. John wasn't allowed to come back yet. Therefore, I almost lost it again. Here were the first three questions from the nurse (which is the same for everyone, just to make sure it's the right person and chart);

What is your birthdate? Who is your doctor? What procedure are you here for?

I literally responded with a, what? Huh? Can you repeat that?? I answered her questions and a tear fell with the realization of what procedure I really was there for. Then, I had to sign 4 papers that had words like abortion, disposal of fetal tissue, etc etc. I'm sure my signature is quite the scribble on those papers. At this point, the nurse (who was really sweet and meant well) proceeded to tell me all about she never had a miscarriage but how hard it must be. I mean, seriously, the entire time I was with her alone she talked. Putting my gown on, getting my IV in, putting my leads on, getting the blood pressure cuff, she talked about how she thinks the reason why so many people lose their first baby is because of their busy lifestyle and the busy world we live in today. Umm, I pretty much stayed silent with a small smile every other sentence.

Then, praise my Jesus, John was able to join me. What a wonderful husband my Savior has given me. He not only completely amazed me last night, but he sat next to my bed today with a peace in God that I wish I could say I had 100% of the time these last two days. He prayed for us and for Dr. Peppy and for our anesthesiologist. He prayed with such certainty of God's goodness. That even in our lowest of lows, our Savior still shines bright. And, how obvious He love is for us. Oh, the love my precious Jesus has for John and I has flooded over me the last few hours.

Then, after a lot of anxious waiting (can we say worst 2 hours of my life just sitting around knowing you are about to have surgery to get the remains of your baby?), it was time. Dr. Peppy walked into my little curtained off cubicle and I instantly started crying. He held my hand, squeezing it, telling me that he is about take care of the physical part of this miscarriage and that he will walk with us through the emotional part as well. The Lord has definitely skilled this man with awesome things to say at the right time and also made him a medical guru (in our eyes anyways!).

The anesthesiologist then gave me my first cocktail of goodness. Now, why couldn't they give me that sedative from the beginning?! They wheeled me back to the OR (which they said I probably wouldn't remember, but that I might and I remember it clearly). As I was being wheeled back, I kept thinking how I was being wheeled back to say goodbye to my baby. But, luckily that sedative calmed me down so that those thoughts didn't cause me to completely freak out. Then, I was in the room, I remember looking around and taking it all in. They switched me to the operating table. At that point, Dr. Peppy came up and told me I was doing a good job and it would be over before I knew it. And, it was! The last memory was the oxygen mask going on my face. Then, my next memory is seeing John in recovery.

I felt really good after the procedure and the Lord absolutely gave peace that surpasses all understanding. John and I knew it was absolutely the right decision. I had no regrets at all (which I was afraid about). So far, I have just had two weeping sessions since being home (one while writing this and the other was earlier when a friend that I worked with shortly on a mission trip shared her story that happened just 4 months ago). No abdominal pain, I had some pain in my legs, but that subsided after a good short walk. I am still bleeding but it feels like absolutely nothing compared to before. So, I am extremely grateful for that.

We are not going to lie to you, this sucks. Like I said before, I have never walked a valley this low before. BUT, I do know that there is a Savior walking that valley with us. And, no, it is not a made up spiritual entity to just make us feel better when things are junky, it is the only God. It is the God that created me, that created my husband, that created you, and that created my first child. He made absolutely no mistake when he created our baby. And, I will praise Him (even in the moments I don't want to) because He knew our baby would only live a mere 7weeks and 5days. But, that baby gave me 10weeks and 5days of joy. And, I will never forget my first child, ever. And, no, we do not plan to just hurry up and try to get pregnant. A new pregnancy will not replace this child or instantly heal my pain. Therefore, we are not planning on that band-aid just yet. We are just trusting Jesus and grieving our first child.

We love all of you! It's been a rough day but your prayers made it bearable :o)

Jesus Is Fairer

Before you continue, please respect my wishes that I talk about in more detail later on. But, please do not write on my Facebook wall, twitter, text, call, email, or visit me about what you're about to read. If you feel led to show your support, please limit it to commenting on this blog post. Also, if you want to call or text John (please no Facebook), feel free to do so. He's my publicist right now, haha. And, he would love to hear from you. Don't feel like you have to treat me any different in person either. Thank you for understanding, that's why we love you!!

I never imagined that a week after announcing our pregnancy that I would have to go back and share some very different news. This is all very fresh and the feelings are still raw. So, I guess you'll really get a glimpse into my current stage of life. Today I woke up thinking everything was normal and excited to be going to my obstetrician. He is seriously the best doctor in the whole world and I have become so fond of him already! But, I had no idea that he was going to provide a piece of news that will undoubtedly change me and my husband's life forever.

Three weeks ago, when I was 7weeks and 4days, we had our first ultrasound. I had some bleeding and cramping, so the doctor told us to come in right away. That was a very tough day for me and John. I remember just laying on the bed and balling my eyes out. I cried out to God, "I'm so sorry," but I had no idea why. But, all of our fears were put to ease when we saw our precious little one on the ultrasound screen. A perfect heartbeat, 140 beats, and the cutest little arm we had ever seen :o) Instantly, all of our fears were put to rest. It still felt like the room was spinning, everything happened so fast. But, we praised Jesus for being good before our ultrasound and afterwards.

We had agreed to not reveal the pregnancy (expect to our immediate family and a few close friends) until after we had an ultrasound and saw the heartbeat. Well, check that off! But, I still wanted to wait because I was still shaken from the scare. Therefore, just after nine weeks, we decided, what the heck, I guess we might as well tell everyone! I didn't have any heavy bleeding and 9 weeks seemed like a good enough point in time for me. So, we announced that baby Phillips is expected on May 1, 2010! We have received so many congrats and positive encouragement.

Well, today (at what I thought) was our 10weeks and 3days check-up, we learned some very tough news. Thinking it was just a routine exam, I had actually told John not to even worry about making the appointment. But, 2 days before I changed my mind (one of many of God's blessings today). I read on all of these pregnancy message boards online (yeah, I'm that girl) to have your husband with you at as many appointments as possible to have another set of ears for any possible do's or don'ts. Of course, John didn't mind my flighty-ness and came with me today.

Have I mentioned that I love my OB/GYN?? I mean, seriously, who says that? But, I do. His name is Dr. Peppy and I highly recommend him to anyone. So, anyhow, he greeted John with the usual high five and me with a big hug. Then, he exclaimed, "10WEEKS AND 3DAYS!! Lay down, let's try to hear a heartbeat!! We may not be able to hear it, but you're skinny [yes, he said that, and yes I made sure to include that]" Then, he proceeded to search for the heartbeat. No noise. But, he (nor I) had any worry. With some women, you can't hear the heartbeat until 14 weeks. So, we just figured we couldn't yet. But, because he's super awesome, he busted out the portable ultrasound machine. He couldn't detect the heartbeat on there, either. Once again, not surprised. I have what's called a tilted uterus (I know, doesn't it sound like a joke condition? John and I have made fun of that a lot). Therefore, my uterus tips back towards my spine rather than the front of my abdomen. Dr. Peppy said he honestly wasn't worried about anything (which, I wholeheartedly believe he wasn't), but just wanted to squeeze us in the big ultrasound to double check on the peanut. They got us in right away. At this point, I'm thinking, score!! An ultrasound today and we weren't even expecting it! Everything seemed to begin fine, then...

complete, total, utter silence.

From my limited experience in the medical world, I kinda know what to look for on an ultrasound. And, I knew there was no heartbeat. Then, my thoughts started...

do i hold john's hand right now?? but, what if he doesn't know, i don't want to worry him.

is this really happening?

didn't we just see a heartbeat three weeks ago?

Then, the sentence that confirmed what I already knew...

"I'm going to go get Dr. Peppy to look at this with me"

Instantly, tears filled my eyes and they began to fall as he walked in the door. He looked at the screen very somber and talked, but I didn't hear him. I asked John later what he said in those moments. Apparently, he said, very respectfully (because he's awesome), "What we see here is no more growth from 7weeks and 5days..." At this point, I'm crying. Dr. Peppy and the precious ultrasound tech told John and I to take our time in the room and come back out when we're ready. They walked out and I broke down.

I thrashed up on the table immediately and did that weepy talk. You know, the kind where the person listening probably cannot understand a word you're trying to say.

But, we just told everybody, oh my...

Oh my gosh, I can't do this, oh my gosh...

Then, glancing up at the screen to see a still picture of our now still baby

Noooooooooo!

Through power that can only come directly from the Holy Spirit, I was able to pull myself together relatively fast. John just kept hugging me and telling me he loved me. He's been great, but I'm not surprised at all.

After we walked out of the room that held our fate, the ultrasound tech led us to an exam room to meet with Dr. Peppy. Have I mentioned we love him? He gave me a big, long hug, which I will never forget. Then, he sat down and discussed how none of this is our fault. And, how we couldn't have done one thing different to change anything. Then, he proceeded to tell us how healthy all of my lab work was and how we got pregnant fast and shouldn't have a problem in the future. He said we have a 1 in 9 chance of having a second miscarriage in a row. But, he did also tell us about how there are women that have several miscarriages in a row and there's no medical reason for it. We felt like he did a good job of giving us hope, but also balancing reality. And, then he went on to tell us the options from there. Then, he got my personal cell phone number so that he could check up on me. He already called today right after office hours! He said that he was just checking on John and I and that we're in his prayers. Um, LOVE him!

So, yes, if you are trying to figure out the timeline, turns out the baby Phillips stopped growing the day after we had our first ultrasound. Dr. Peppy told us that statistics say 1 in every 3 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. This is why we wanted to wait to tell everyone. But, once there is a heartbeat, that drops down to 10 percent. I guess that our precious blessing wanted to fall in the unusual category. Break my heart :o(

I NEVER thought I would have a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I know that miscarriages are much more common than we think. I guess I have always expected that I would have one in my lifetime. But, I never ever thought it would be my first. I guess I just thought, hey, I'm a healthy, young woman. But, the Lord did not ordain for this child to make it out of my womb. I wonder if it would be easier if we never did see a heartbeat. I wonder if it was better for us to have 3 weeks of ignorant bliss thinking everything was perfect. Who knows. But, I do know that God gave me Psalm 139:16 the day I found out I was pregnant on purpose. I kept dwelling on this verse. The fact that God already had our baby's days written in His book. God had already given me a peace then that no matter if the child had one more day or thousands, that I could rest assured that it had already been ordained in God's book.

After the doctors office, John and I went to Disney's Hollywood Studios. I didn't want to sit around at home. I knew I would just dwell on the sadness and probably freak out. Therefore, the happiest place on earth seemed like the only logical solution :o) We walked through the gates and immediately there were strollers everywhere and a pregnant woman. I panicked in my brain for a half second. But, it was oddly comforting. Each child today reminded that God purposed and planned for that child to live. God has a reason for that child's life and he brought that child to be on purpose. No doctor, no mom, no dad, nothing but God created those lives. And, for whatever reason, God has purposed for this child to not make it past 7weeks and 5days. I am glad God is the one that decides stuff and not me. Such a relief!

Two songs that were a huge help today are both sung by the one and only Christy Nockels. I have always treasured her worship and never knew that she would help walk me through one of my darkest trials. "Fairest Lord Jesus" off of the Passion Hymns album is a song we listened to a lot (through tears) on our way to our first ultrasound. Then, today we blared in praise to our Jesus. Oh, yes, He is still fairer today. And, another was "Glory Baby" by Watermark (Christy and her husband). They had two miscarriages (the first two times they were pregnant) and now they have 3 children. I have no earthly idea why, but I feel strangely connected to her now. I have always been a huge fan of her music and she's always been one of my favorite worship leaders. But, now, the words of a song they wrote to heal their pain is helping to heal mine. She's going to be in Orlando on Dec 2nd and I plan to be front and center :o)

I have had moments today where I have just wanted to fall on the floor, start crying and not get up until I had to. I have had other moments of total adoration of my precious Jesus. I have had many moments of deep love and respect for my husband. I know he is hurting, but yet he is carrying my burden as well. A friend of mine passed on some advice to me today, "You lean in. That's right, you lean into John right now. Don't let this pull the two of you apart. Let it gel your relationship even more. You lean into him." And, that's what I am doing. I am leaning on my husband. Am I leaning to Jesus? Of course. But, sometimes, when the pain hurts too much, my prayers are simply Romans 8:26. I just trust the Holy Spirit to pray on my behalf. And, now, I have a husband to lean on that will also pray on our behalf. And, when the hurt causes me to not pray or think as I ought to, I will rely on the Holy Spirit in myself and my husband to intercede. So, that is what I am doing, I am leaning

I would really appreciate it right now, if you didn't write on my Facebook wall, call, text, visit, or email me right now about this. Feel free to comment on this blog post though. When I am in need for encouragement, this is where I'll go. But, random contact, I am afraid will make it worse for. It is a deep pain and right now, having people comment on the pain in random moments of my day will only make it worse. That sounds harsh, but I want to walk through this with my Jesus and my husband right now. That is why this blog is so detailed. I want you to feel like you are a part of the story and know what's going on because we love you. But, I also don't want to share the story 100 times or answer the same questions over and over. I also already know that you are sorry for us and will be praying. And, we are SO grateful for that. We love you very much.

Children Are A Heritage From The Lord

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:3-5

That's right, baby Phillips is on the way!! Looks like May 1, 2010 is the due date for now! Perfect timing, baby P, I am pumped to eat like crazy at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even though, the thought of 99.9% of foods that exist currently make me want to vomit, I am hoping that I will be fat and happy by the time the holidays roll around.

And, for this first post, I think I am going to follow the same format as the last one...questions that are undoubtedly on most people's minds:

1) Whoa! Sounds like you had a honeymoon baby!
Close, but not really. Baby Phillips was conceived around two weeks after our cruise. Too much information? Oh well, just pretend you didn't read that, then.

2) Wow, pregnant AND your first year of marriage? How miserable! I don't think I could have survived...
Well, not many years ago, you wouldn't have had the option whether you got pregnant or not in your first year of marriage. Therefore, more people than not have been pregnant their first year of marriage and have survived just fine! Don't worry, we're not miserable. Have my mood swings already started? Of course. Is John the most laidback guy I've ever met and puts up with me without thinking about it twice? Absolutely! He has been so crazy awesome through all of this so far. Getting up and going to Publix first thing in the morning to buy my random craving for the morning. Picking up around the house when I am to exhausted to even think about it. Taking his lunch break at work to make me (or buy me) whatever I can stomach for lunch that day. If anything, this process has brought us so much closer together already! It just feels so natural to have a baby on the way. We love each other so much and now we are going to have a baby to share in all the love!

3) Buuuut, you're so young? Don't you two know how these things are made? Don't you two know how to prevent these things from happening?
This thought process is always the one that makes me laugh the most, especially from people that have children. It's almost like they're saying, "I hate my children, why on earth would you want any?". But, if I said that to them, they would deny it instantly. Well, if you enjoy your children, then wouldn't you want as many as you could have? If they bring so much joy to your life, then wouldn't it be great to start that joy as soon as you can?

Birth control...the big question we have been getting since before we were married. And, one of the things we discussed very early on in our dating life, that was actually dealbreaker for me. This is a very long, drawn-out thing to discuss, that I would love to sit down with you and talk about if you're interested in hearing our point of view. We are absolutely NOT saying that everyone should have our opinion or that it's the only right way. We both know many Godly families that differ on this topic and we do not think any less of their opinion than ours. For us, at least for now, we have decided that any form of contraceptive would not be following God's will for our life. We had discussed some natural family planning and might use it in the future. We did decide very early on, before we really knew what to think, that I would not go on any type of horomonal birth control. I was on it for a year in high school because of lady problems and I hated the way my body reacted to the horomones (which is one more reason why I think the first year married and pregnant horrified reaction is ridiculous, birth control is horomones and provides mood swings just like pregnanacy, although, so far, birth control gave me worse mood swings than pregnancy has so far). So, after the horomonal therapy was out, we began to talk through different options, which finally led us to our current philosophy.

We really do trust that God is in control and that every time He provides us with a child, He is going to provide us a way to take care of that child. (This is where a lot of people roll their eyes because we've all known a family that said this and turned out with tons of kids, tons of welfare, and giving the rest of us a bad rep). But, all in all, we looked at Scripture and saw verse after verse talking about children being a blessing...talking about the parents of children to favored from the Lord...etc...etc... We never found any verses talking about it being okay to decide how to run your own life and pick when to have children. That probably seems a little blunt, but personally, we couldn't find any Scripture (or a peace from the Lord) to have any type of birth control. Our encouragement to people is to just pray a lot!! That's what we did! We just kept praying that God would show us what to do with this issue and He did. It was not easy for me. I still remember, through tears, about 2 months before our wedding, in the car, saying to John, "I just really want to be like Jesus," and he responded with that he does, too. And, then I said, still teary eyed, "I have tried everything to figure out a way to make birth control okay, but I just can't get a peace about that. I think we're supposed to not go on a birth control and not go out of our way to try and have a child either. We just need to completely trust the Lord and see what happens". Then, John responded saying the Lord had been showing him the exact same thing! And, that he was like me, not sure what to do with that, but God has spoken and we need to obey.

So, there we are! A precious baby Phillips is on the way and we are so thankful to our beautiful God above for giving us life.

Ahhhhh, Newlywed Bliss

Where in the world do I start?? I have gotten so behind on things lately. You know, I'm a wife now. So, I am trying to figure all of that out and this blog probably doesn't rank high on the charts of my priority list. But, all in all, I do miss this little blog. And, my faithful 2 readers :o)

I guess I'll just answer the questions most people seem to ask when they see us these days....

1) How was the honeymoon?

We're not going to lie to you, this question usually makes us slightly uncomfortable. We want to shout, GREAT! But, we're not sure you're asking what it is that we want to shout, GREAT!, for. So, just don't ask us. We loved our honeymoon and can't really tell you the details of Key West or the Bahamas, because we simply won't know. Okay, okay, enough of that, but, hey, a thousand of you awkwardly asked :o)

2) Have you had a big fight yet?

Once again, bit of an awkward question. Do I ask you the last time you got into a fight with your spouse, mom, brother, pet dog, etc.? But, if you would like to know the answer, not really. I guess we've had some disagreements here and there that could have escalated, but we never let it get to that point. I really mean that. John is a lot better than me at this, but when a situation starts to go south, we take care of it pretty fast. The faster we communicate and calm down, the faster we are back in newlywed bliss. But, so far, we've been sailing through life and loving every minute of it! Have we had some trials already? Sure! (I mean, heck, people weren't kidding when they say you're broke as newlyweds!) But, now we have each other to lean on as we approach the Lord for guidance. So, bottom line, any big fights? Sorry to disappoint, and even though people still try to dig for more, we really haven't had a big blowout.

3) How are settling in to your apartment?

This is the question that I always wish I had a better answer to! While pretty much all of the boxes are emptied, there is stuff in piles and waiting to be organized. Who knew that John had a million DVD's or that I had the most random assortment of just plain junk that I still think I'll use one day? We are slowly making progress on creating this apartment livable. I can't stand disorganization and clutter. So, our home probably wouldn't seem that terrible to an outside visitor, but it's driving me nutso! But, like I said, it is getting there and looking cuter each day. Too bad money doesn't grow on trees so that we could finish everything in a day! But, it's teaching me to be patient and to focus on one task at a time.

4) I heard you, destroyed or trashed or did something absolutely unspeakable to your wedding dress. Please please please tell me this isn't true and if for some strange reason it is true, why in the world would you do such a thing?

Yes, I "trashed the dress". And, if by trash, you mean, it only has a slight smell of lake water and a few dirt and makeup stains that can be easily removed with dry cleaning, AND, I am still completely able to preserve my wedding dress to stick in a box under my bed until I die, then yes, I really did trash the thing. If you wanna see some pretty cool pictures, just google Trash the Dress or stay tuned to my Facebook albums. John and I decided to do this for two reasons:

1) who wouldn't want really cool pictures with a graffiti backdrop in a junkyard and in a lake, with a WEDDING DRESS on?! I mean, come on, that just sounds magazine-esque. And, since I am not cool enough to ever be in a magazine, I am going to live up the "I am in a wedding dress, so I instantly look pretty and you must make me look good in pictures" as long as possible

2) I highly doubt that if the Lord ever blesses us with a daughter that she will just be dying to wear my wedding dress. Therefore, why not jump in a lake to show my husband that I don't care if the dress is destroyed beyond repair? I will never need another wedding dress. When, I made my commitment to John, I meant it. So, what a neat, artistic way to show my husband that my devotion is to him.

All right, I guess that is it for now! Hopefully I will find the time to post again very soon and share some more! Hope that life is treating you well; until next time...

I Am MARRIED Now!!

I don't really have time to update right now, but just wanted to drop in for a moment! We don't have internet at our apartment yet, so that makes blogging the last item on the priority list when I do end up on the internet for a little bit.

But, just wanted to say that we are now happily MARRIED!! Tuesday will be our one month anniversary of marriage :o)

Be back soon with more details!