Jesus Is Fairer

Before you continue, please respect my wishes that I talk about in more detail later on. But, please do not write on my Facebook wall, twitter, text, call, email, or visit me about what you're about to read. If you feel led to show your support, please limit it to commenting on this blog post. Also, if you want to call or text John (please no Facebook), feel free to do so. He's my publicist right now, haha. And, he would love to hear from you. Don't feel like you have to treat me any different in person either. Thank you for understanding, that's why we love you!!

I never imagined that a week after announcing our pregnancy that I would have to go back and share some very different news. This is all very fresh and the feelings are still raw. So, I guess you'll really get a glimpse into my current stage of life. Today I woke up thinking everything was normal and excited to be going to my obstetrician. He is seriously the best doctor in the whole world and I have become so fond of him already! But, I had no idea that he was going to provide a piece of news that will undoubtedly change me and my husband's life forever.

Three weeks ago, when I was 7weeks and 4days, we had our first ultrasound. I had some bleeding and cramping, so the doctor told us to come in right away. That was a very tough day for me and John. I remember just laying on the bed and balling my eyes out. I cried out to God, "I'm so sorry," but I had no idea why. But, all of our fears were put to ease when we saw our precious little one on the ultrasound screen. A perfect heartbeat, 140 beats, and the cutest little arm we had ever seen :o) Instantly, all of our fears were put to rest. It still felt like the room was spinning, everything happened so fast. But, we praised Jesus for being good before our ultrasound and afterwards.

We had agreed to not reveal the pregnancy (expect to our immediate family and a few close friends) until after we had an ultrasound and saw the heartbeat. Well, check that off! But, I still wanted to wait because I was still shaken from the scare. Therefore, just after nine weeks, we decided, what the heck, I guess we might as well tell everyone! I didn't have any heavy bleeding and 9 weeks seemed like a good enough point in time for me. So, we announced that baby Phillips is expected on May 1, 2010! We have received so many congrats and positive encouragement.

Well, today (at what I thought) was our 10weeks and 3days check-up, we learned some very tough news. Thinking it was just a routine exam, I had actually told John not to even worry about making the appointment. But, 2 days before I changed my mind (one of many of God's blessings today). I read on all of these pregnancy message boards online (yeah, I'm that girl) to have your husband with you at as many appointments as possible to have another set of ears for any possible do's or don'ts. Of course, John didn't mind my flighty-ness and came with me today.

Have I mentioned that I love my OB/GYN?? I mean, seriously, who says that? But, I do. His name is Dr. Peppy and I highly recommend him to anyone. So, anyhow, he greeted John with the usual high five and me with a big hug. Then, he exclaimed, "10WEEKS AND 3DAYS!! Lay down, let's try to hear a heartbeat!! We may not be able to hear it, but you're skinny [yes, he said that, and yes I made sure to include that]" Then, he proceeded to search for the heartbeat. No noise. But, he (nor I) had any worry. With some women, you can't hear the heartbeat until 14 weeks. So, we just figured we couldn't yet. But, because he's super awesome, he busted out the portable ultrasound machine. He couldn't detect the heartbeat on there, either. Once again, not surprised. I have what's called a tilted uterus (I know, doesn't it sound like a joke condition? John and I have made fun of that a lot). Therefore, my uterus tips back towards my spine rather than the front of my abdomen. Dr. Peppy said he honestly wasn't worried about anything (which, I wholeheartedly believe he wasn't), but just wanted to squeeze us in the big ultrasound to double check on the peanut. They got us in right away. At this point, I'm thinking, score!! An ultrasound today and we weren't even expecting it! Everything seemed to begin fine, then...

complete, total, utter silence.

From my limited experience in the medical world, I kinda know what to look for on an ultrasound. And, I knew there was no heartbeat. Then, my thoughts started...

do i hold john's hand right now?? but, what if he doesn't know, i don't want to worry him.

is this really happening?

didn't we just see a heartbeat three weeks ago?

Then, the sentence that confirmed what I already knew...

"I'm going to go get Dr. Peppy to look at this with me"

Instantly, tears filled my eyes and they began to fall as he walked in the door. He looked at the screen very somber and talked, but I didn't hear him. I asked John later what he said in those moments. Apparently, he said, very respectfully (because he's awesome), "What we see here is no more growth from 7weeks and 5days..." At this point, I'm crying. Dr. Peppy and the precious ultrasound tech told John and I to take our time in the room and come back out when we're ready. They walked out and I broke down.

I thrashed up on the table immediately and did that weepy talk. You know, the kind where the person listening probably cannot understand a word you're trying to say.

But, we just told everybody, oh my...

Oh my gosh, I can't do this, oh my gosh...

Then, glancing up at the screen to see a still picture of our now still baby

Noooooooooo!

Through power that can only come directly from the Holy Spirit, I was able to pull myself together relatively fast. John just kept hugging me and telling me he loved me. He's been great, but I'm not surprised at all.

After we walked out of the room that held our fate, the ultrasound tech led us to an exam room to meet with Dr. Peppy. Have I mentioned we love him? He gave me a big, long hug, which I will never forget. Then, he sat down and discussed how none of this is our fault. And, how we couldn't have done one thing different to change anything. Then, he proceeded to tell us how healthy all of my lab work was and how we got pregnant fast and shouldn't have a problem in the future. He said we have a 1 in 9 chance of having a second miscarriage in a row. But, he did also tell us about how there are women that have several miscarriages in a row and there's no medical reason for it. We felt like he did a good job of giving us hope, but also balancing reality. And, then he went on to tell us the options from there. Then, he got my personal cell phone number so that he could check up on me. He already called today right after office hours! He said that he was just checking on John and I and that we're in his prayers. Um, LOVE him!

So, yes, if you are trying to figure out the timeline, turns out the baby Phillips stopped growing the day after we had our first ultrasound. Dr. Peppy told us that statistics say 1 in every 3 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. This is why we wanted to wait to tell everyone. But, once there is a heartbeat, that drops down to 10 percent. I guess that our precious blessing wanted to fall in the unusual category. Break my heart :o(

I NEVER thought I would have a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I know that miscarriages are much more common than we think. I guess I have always expected that I would have one in my lifetime. But, I never ever thought it would be my first. I guess I just thought, hey, I'm a healthy, young woman. But, the Lord did not ordain for this child to make it out of my womb. I wonder if it would be easier if we never did see a heartbeat. I wonder if it was better for us to have 3 weeks of ignorant bliss thinking everything was perfect. Who knows. But, I do know that God gave me Psalm 139:16 the day I found out I was pregnant on purpose. I kept dwelling on this verse. The fact that God already had our baby's days written in His book. God had already given me a peace then that no matter if the child had one more day or thousands, that I could rest assured that it had already been ordained in God's book.

After the doctors office, John and I went to Disney's Hollywood Studios. I didn't want to sit around at home. I knew I would just dwell on the sadness and probably freak out. Therefore, the happiest place on earth seemed like the only logical solution :o) We walked through the gates and immediately there were strollers everywhere and a pregnant woman. I panicked in my brain for a half second. But, it was oddly comforting. Each child today reminded that God purposed and planned for that child to live. God has a reason for that child's life and he brought that child to be on purpose. No doctor, no mom, no dad, nothing but God created those lives. And, for whatever reason, God has purposed for this child to not make it past 7weeks and 5days. I am glad God is the one that decides stuff and not me. Such a relief!

Two songs that were a huge help today are both sung by the one and only Christy Nockels. I have always treasured her worship and never knew that she would help walk me through one of my darkest trials. "Fairest Lord Jesus" off of the Passion Hymns album is a song we listened to a lot (through tears) on our way to our first ultrasound. Then, today we blared in praise to our Jesus. Oh, yes, He is still fairer today. And, another was "Glory Baby" by Watermark (Christy and her husband). They had two miscarriages (the first two times they were pregnant) and now they have 3 children. I have no earthly idea why, but I feel strangely connected to her now. I have always been a huge fan of her music and she's always been one of my favorite worship leaders. But, now, the words of a song they wrote to heal their pain is helping to heal mine. She's going to be in Orlando on Dec 2nd and I plan to be front and center :o)

I have had moments today where I have just wanted to fall on the floor, start crying and not get up until I had to. I have had other moments of total adoration of my precious Jesus. I have had many moments of deep love and respect for my husband. I know he is hurting, but yet he is carrying my burden as well. A friend of mine passed on some advice to me today, "You lean in. That's right, you lean into John right now. Don't let this pull the two of you apart. Let it gel your relationship even more. You lean into him." And, that's what I am doing. I am leaning on my husband. Am I leaning to Jesus? Of course. But, sometimes, when the pain hurts too much, my prayers are simply Romans 8:26. I just trust the Holy Spirit to pray on my behalf. And, now, I have a husband to lean on that will also pray on our behalf. And, when the hurt causes me to not pray or think as I ought to, I will rely on the Holy Spirit in myself and my husband to intercede. So, that is what I am doing, I am leaning

I would really appreciate it right now, if you didn't write on my Facebook wall, call, text, visit, or email me right now about this. Feel free to comment on this blog post though. When I am in need for encouragement, this is where I'll go. But, random contact, I am afraid will make it worse for. It is a deep pain and right now, having people comment on the pain in random moments of my day will only make it worse. That sounds harsh, but I want to walk through this with my Jesus and my husband right now. That is why this blog is so detailed. I want you to feel like you are a part of the story and know what's going on because we love you. But, I also don't want to share the story 100 times or answer the same questions over and over. I also already know that you are sorry for us and will be praying. And, we are SO grateful for that. We love you very much.