Check Out This New Setup!

My husband turned my blog into something pretty! I just love it! One more reason why I love my husband: he knows how to do computer stuff, while I just give up after one try, haha. So, thank you Mr. John Phillips for making my blog all beautified!

You know how some days you wake up and just know it's going to be a yucky day? That was me today. Literally, from the second I woke up, I felt sad. I mean, come on! Usually it takes a good 30 minutes or an hour until I realize that nothing has changed and my baby is still gone. But, this morning, my lovely brain decided to remind me of the truth within 10 seconds. I sincerely have moments where I freak out and think that these feelings will never end. For example, today I thought much about if or when we get pregnant again. Will I still miss my first baby this much? Every time I take my child to Sunday school or marvel at his/her first steps, will I wish that I also had the chance to see my first baby do those things? Sure, I believe that time will heal a lot, but will I ever really get over the fact that I never got to hold my first child? I don't really believe that there are answers to these questions, but this is just a dumb situation.

Today, John and I went to Disney's Animal Kingdom. I wanted to get out of the house and kick my sad attitude in the butt. Didn't work as well as I would have liked. But, John and I did share some laughs, so I guess it was still worth it. But, several times, when I saw a pregnant woman or a newborn I wondered why I didn't get the chance to have this baby? Once again, not the idea of being pregnant or having a baby (I am praying God blesses us with that in the future), but why I couldn't have THAT baby, my FIRST child. Luckily, those thoughts never stay long. Usually, pretty quickly, the Lord reminds of the fact that He's in control and He has a plan and purpose for every child He has ever created, including my baby. I have no idea what my baby's plan or purpose was, but I am sure it has something to do with teaching mommy and daddy some lessons in how to pursue Jesus on a greater level.

If today wasn't ridiculous enough, I can barely walk. That's right, I am hobbling around like someone that had leg surgery a week ago and not a D&C. Yesterday was a pretty good day, John and I just lounged around all day. It was nice to rest all day because the last few days were pretty tiring. I got the bright idea to begin my workout regimen again in full speed. I am officially insane! I can't even describe how sore I am right now! I did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday and I think that my ultimate problem is that I used weights that were too heavy. Also, I just plain pushed myself too hard. For the first time ever working out, I felt extremely sick to my stomach. It took about an hour before I felt normal again. Originally I planned to begin the workout every day. But, there was no possible way I could have done that again today. As soon as I'm not this sore, I'll pick back up on the workouts.

Now, for the happier parts of my day! God provides blessings even during heartache. God is still good, even when I complain for most of the day. Well, I got my bracelet today!! Remember the one I told you about? It has three charms, one representing when we conceived (including a crystal in the color of the month we conceived, August), one representing when our baby was transformed (including a crystal of the month we miscarried, October), and one representing when our baby was supposed to be due (including a crystal of the month of our due date, May). I love it! It turned out so well and I am glad it's on my wrist already. Here is a picture!

Here is my new beautiful bracelet! I found it at www.myforeverchild.com

Another blessing today was a package I received from a family that recently moved away from Orlando. I was so blown away that they took the time to send us a gift! It is so precious and I am so taken aback that they thought of us. They sent us "The Clinging Cross". It is a cross that is shaped and formed to fit inside the palm of your hand. It was made to have a tangible way to hold onto the cross when you're going through a tough time. I love it! It fits so perfectly in the palm of my hand and I have no doubt that I'll use it a lot in the near future. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I use it a bunch tonight. Thank you so much for our beautiful gift, Mr. and Mrs. Murray! Here are some pictures!

And, here's how it fits in the palm of my hand

I received even more contacts today of people that lit a candle for baby Phillips! Still so overwhelmingly blessed by all of you! And, if you did it and haven't told us yet, please let us know! I would love to include your name in our baby's scrapbook. As usual, we are so thankful for all of you. We'll keep you up to date and we are praying that God blesses each one of you this evening :o)

Lit Candles

Wow. So many people have told us that they lit candles last night in memory of baby Phillips and all of the other precious babies that have passed on to be with Jesus. It has been so encouraging. I fought tears today as three of those people sent us pictures of their candles. We do plan to include those pictures in our scrapbook. I wanted to show all of you the pictures we were sent. And, I also want to say thanks to the people that did light a candle without sending a picture. There are so many more of you that participated and it's been overwhelming. We are such an incredibly blessed couple!

Here is Mary Margaret's candle

Here is the candle from the Chesser household (love the beautiful sign!!)

And, finally, here's the candle from Nana and Pop's house (John's parents)

Baby Phillips was one loved little child. It's been comforting to have people walk this with us. It's nice to know that there are people out there grieving with us. I am hoping to get my bracelet (that I talked about in an earlier post) this weekend. If not, I guess I can make it until next week. Love you guys and thank you again for thinking of all three of us last night!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today has been rough. Last night, starting around 1:00am we really started to feel yucky again. Yesterday, I had a fairly good day. But, once we were all settled in at home, we both had a tough time. We had a long conversation about what to do next and we still just don't have that answer. We know it'll come. But, when we woke up this morning, the feeling of despair was still hanging around. Ugh, what a terrible way to wake up.

I had a lunch with a dear friend today. We hadn't caught up since before the wedding, so it was nice to chat. I know I probably took over most of the conversation, but she didn't seem to mind. It was a real encouragement to have someone say that it's okay to feel this hurt over losing our first child. And, it was super fun to be distracted by the store opening of H&M at the Florida Mall. It was a confirmation to know that God must be exist, I mean, we have an H&M now!! Haha, no shopping, but it was fun to be there for the grand opening.

After leaving lunch and the mall, my feelings started to go south again. Oh well, I guess I should expect that some days will be better (yesterday and the day before) and some days I'll wish that I could just lay in my bed and cry all day. But, I just kept thinking about lighting our candle tonight in honor of baby Phillips. Here are some pictures...

This first one I found still on my camera from the day that I surprised John with the pregnancy. I finally had gotten the surprise out (I didn't make it past 24 hours before constructing my elaborate scheme) and we made it home to relax. I believe this picture was taken pretty late that night, because we spent the afternoon celebrating and telling our immediate families

Here's our set-up before lighting the candle. Around 6:00pm we read lots of Scripture together and both prayed. As soon as we said amen, it was already 6:58pm.

Then, we lit our candle and honestly just sat in silence for several moments. There wasn't much to say and it was tough to know what to do next

The day of my surgery, we were sent a bouquet of flowers. The bouquet was all fall colors which I love. It was mostly gold and maroon colored flowers. But, there was one random hot pink flower in the bouquet. It doesn't match at all and honestly appears to be a huge mistake in the bouquet

The second I saw that flower I just had an overwhelming thought that it had to do with our baby. I told John later (not right away because I didn't want him to think I was totally nuts) that the pink flower makes me think that our first baby was a girl. It's funny because earlier in the pregnancy I told him that I thought we were going to have a girl. Do I believe 100% that our baby was a girl? No, there's not a way to know that. But, I do believe that God allowed that random pink flower to help me in my healing. You may think I'm crazy, but that's okay. If I get to Heaven and I see that we were given a precious baby boy as our first child, I doubt I'm going to be complaining to God that he gave me a pink flower in my bouquet. So, that's how I'm reconciling my craziness :o)

One of the many passages we read tonight was out of Job 3. It's been a big comfort this last week. Basically, Job is saying how he wishes he had never been born. And, in his rantings to the Lord, he tells Him that it would have been better for him to be a stillborn baby because at least he would have been in a place of peace. It's nice to know that my stillborn baby is in a coveted place of peace

After John and I talked about our baby for a while and how crazy all of this is, we decided to pull out our ultrasound picture. I hadn't seen it since all of this happened. It was nice to remember how precious that day was. It was so beautiful to see our little baby and the precious beating heart. John and I both talked a lot that day about our baby's little arms. They were so cute!

It's been a tough day and night, but my husband is amazing. Wow, God really gave me more than I could have ever asked for. I love him so very much and this really has brought us closer together. I am so glad that this terrible situation has drawn us closer rather than apart. He's a great man and I'm glad he's my baby daddy :o)

I wanted you all to be able to see the stuff we bought for our baby's scrapbook. On the left, I put the two different kinds of paper we bought for it. One is light blue with little green and brown polka dots. The other is light pink with different shades of pink stripes on it. The pages of our book will alternate between these two sheets. For the first sheet we brought a green page and the last page a teal one.

In closing, we read Revelation 21:1-7. Then, we blew out the candle. The candle is now on its stand and proudly displayed on one of our shelves above the television. One day, there will be no more pain and no more tears. And, Jesus will be highly exalted in His rightful place. I got the chills as we read that passage. Just to read the words that Jesus had conquered everything once and for all. I began to picture that day in Heaven. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I greatly anticipate Heaven one day. Sure I have always been excited about it, but now is different. I used to live under the mindset that I just wanted to get married first, have babies, and have grandbabies before going to Heaven. But, Jesus reminded me tonight that He reigns supreme. And, I was reminded that His reigning is more glorious than anything I could ever find on earth. Also, of course, I am happy to know that when I do get to Heaven, I'll have my baby's beautiful face to greet me.

For all of you that lit a candle tonight, you were very encouraging to us. We love you and are so glad that you would honor baby Phillips and all of the other fallen babies of this world. And, we still covet your prayers as it has now been an official week since our baby was miscarried. But, Jesus is STILL fairer today!

I Can't Imagine Heaven's Lullabies

Today has been a little bit better. I had my post-op appointment and it was great to see my doctor today. He is so precious and we are very thankful for him. He answered every question we had and he was so tenderhearted to us. It was a good appointment, although we had an interesting encounter at the reception desk. The lady said, "Oh, you're here for post-partum, where's your baby?!" She seemed so excited, I wasn't quite sure how to respond. It didn't make me upset at all, it never makes me upset to get congratulations. People are excited for us, they just don't know that we're not excited any more. I never know how to explain the truth of our situation now. I just don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. So, I just responded with an awkward, "Well, we miscarried our baby," and she seemed apologetic and quickly dropped the subject. I told Dr. Peppy about it laughingly and he felt sad for us. I told him that it really was fine.

I had one almost breakdown today in the middle of Target. Can we say awkward?? I randomly decided that I wanted a new pair of jeans for today. I already had a new top that I had bought on clearance before we knew anything was wrong with baby Phillips. It's nice and baggy (part of the style) and figured it would be a good one for a growing belly in our near future. Well, I decided I wanted to wear that today, but that I wanted some cute jeans to go with it. I figured that if I felt cute today walking into that doctor's appointment, it would help to know that I will conquer all of this sooner.

Of course I decided to go to Target when I only had about 20 minutes to shop before I needed to get home and get ready for the appointment. And, of course they didn't have exactly what I was looking for. Um, how in the world did I forget that I HATE going jean shopping on a really good day, so why would I go when I'm in the middle of all of this? I called John in a panic. I started tearing up and pacing around the store (I am sure I freaked out any nearby customers). He encouraged me to just get the pair that kind of fit and that if I didn't like them with my shirt, we could return them. So, I did. And, got a necklace in case the jeans were a bust :o) The jeans look great with the shirt and they will fit a little better when I lose my now remaining two pounds!

I didn't get the chance to tell all of you about what John and I did last night. I got a little sidetracked with letting everyone know to please not share their miscarriage story to us, unless I ask for it right now. And, I do still stand by that right now. Please try and understand. But, anyways, I digress :o)

We went to Michael's last night (with no coupon, blah! I was cringing!). We bought a beautiful white pillar candle and a cute silver stand for it. We plan to use it tomorrow, October 15th, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. The idea is to have people light a candle at 7:00pm in remembrance of all of the babies that have been lost and that there would be a candle lit all over the world the entire day. John and I will be lighting our beautiful, new candle tomorrow night in remembrance of our first child. I think it's going to provide a lot of healing. It didn't take us too long to pick out the candle and stand which I am grateful for. I thought I would breakdown during the process, but it was actually healing to pick out the candle to honor our baby with. We would love for you to light a candle tomorrow evening in remembrance of baby Phillips and all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage and many other sad things of our fallen world. And, please let us know if you participate, we would love to hear about it.

Also, we bought a beautiful baby scrapbook. We decided to go ahead and make the scrapbook of all of our memories from this pregnancy. I just remember thinking that this was the last time I could buy anything for this baby. What a devastating thought. But, I held it all together and it was such a beautiful experience to pick out pretty stickers for the book. Normally with scrapbooks, I pick the cheapest stickers and get whatever is on sale. This time, I went out of my normal clearance buying self and bought the stickers that I felt were just perfect. I also loved the fact that John helped to pick everything out as well. He did such a great job and contributed to so much of it. I loved that it was the both of us trying to figure out the best way to remember our baby. So, overall it was such a healing experience and just confirmed the fact that we are supposed to do the book. If we do have children later on, we will be able to show them the book and explain to them that they have an older brother or sister that is now in Heaven.

We love all of you very much! Seriously, I cannot even explain how precious all of you are. And, I have heard so many heartbreaking stories from so many of you, including many that are not pregnancy related. I am glad to know that the Lord is using our healing process to heal others of so many different things. Just keep praying for us as we are beginning to feel like we are actually able to get through the day now. Heck, I did my hair today and actually put some powder on my face! The pain still runs deep but there's been a comfort in the mundane things of returning back to the same schedule as before all of this happened.

I can't even begin to imagine Heavens lullabies, but am so glad that baby Phillips is experiencing it right now. We love you precious baby!

Morning Will Come

It's been one week since we found out about the news. I am shocked at how I made it through the day. I actually only teared up once today! That's huge, considering that I have cried at least once a day since the news hit us. John had a tougher day than I did, so I guess it's good that we both seem to take turns for the tough moments.

I spent time with two precious friends today and their beautiful children. They were homeschooling and took some chunks out of their day to let me hang out with the kiddos. One of the moments that brought a chuckle out was when the little ones decided to talk about my pregnancy. That probably seems like it would have made me cry, but it actually made me laugh. The 4 year old said, "I heard you're pregnant!!" I had no idea what to respond, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But, I just responded, "Well, not anymore." He seemed confused and I told him that one day I will have a baby. He said, "Oh yeah, one day," as though it made total sense. Then, several moments passed and the 2 year old said, "You having your baby on Friday?" I laughed at how random that was and said, "No, no baby this Friday." He then said, "You having it on Monday or Tuesday?" I laughed and said "No baby for a looooong time". Then, the 4 year old jumped back in with, "Yeeeaah, not for a long time!" I proceeded to tell them, "Look at my belly, there's not one there! I can't be having a baby on Friday when there's no belly there!" And, the 4 year old said, "Yeeeaaah, no belly! You have to have a belly!" He seemed satisfied with my response. I must admit that I was a little scared he would say that I did have a belly, haha. But, at least I'm still skinny in his eyes :o)

As funny as that story was to me, it made me happy to have a 4 year old and a 2 year old that understand me not wanting to have a baby for a long time. So many people have told me of their miscarriage stories. I am so saddened to hear them and that my story brings up prior pain for so many people. There are three women that I have asked to hear their story. And, each one is such a unique story, with three totally different outcomes. While I have been comforted to hear so many of your stories, I would ask that you please hold off on those right now. My heart breaks at what I have just asked you, but please try to understand. Please try to remind yourself of the pain you felt that first week after miscarriage (that's right, it hasn't even been a week! Baby Phillips was officially miscarried last Thursday). I have been very overwhelmed at so many stories. And, I am not sure that I can put my finger on it right now. Maybe my own grief is too deep that I feel like I can't bear the load of anyone else's story just yet.

I also think that part of it is that people get transported back to their own painful story and almost get lost in the recounting of their own prior grief. And, through that, they share their particular outcome. And, a lot of times it includes another pregnancy soon after their miscarriage. Praise Jesus for His ability to turn really bad things into good!! But, hearing those stories right now make me happy for that individual and then reminds me of my currently empty womb. I didn't just want to be pregnant, I wanted to be able to hold my first baby and I will never be able to do that. Currently, John and I are not planning to try to conceive when we get the okay from the doctor. Neither of us want the stress of "trying" and we also want as much time as we need to grieve this first baby of ours. If the Lord busted through that idea and gave us a baby, we would be SO grateful. But, right now, it just feels like that would just be us trying to make a band-aid for our current heartache.

I have heard several stories of people that had a miscarriage, got pregnant again soon after, and now they have that precious child. Isn't that just so cool of God to 'work all things together for good'? But, that's exactly what it is. God did not desire for baby Phillips to die. The reality is, we live in a sinful, fallen, and dying world. And, God allowed for our precious baby to succumb to the effects of that sooner than we would have liked. I find it hard to think that God "messed up" in creating our first baby and wanted to clean the slate to try again. Then, He would have us try to get pregnant again fast and let us have that baby because He didn't have that one die. I don't believe that people try to portray that with their story, but depending on how it's told, sometimes that is how I interpret it. Ultimately, it is just the depth of my own emotion right now (and the hormones that are shifting all over the place). While I am so very serious in that I have loved hearing your beautifully woven stories, I am too weak to hear them right now. Please know that my heart breaks for all of the lost babies in this fallen world, but unfortunately, I am just not strong enough yet to hear all of the heartbreaking stories.

I hope that makes sense without offending anyone's grieving process. One thing I have learned through all of this is how differently people work through grief and how that's okay. You may think it's crazy that I don't want to get pregnant right away after this and I may think I'm not strong enough to live your story of being able to try to conceive again right away. And, the cool thing is that God comforts us all and leads each of us in the way He wants us to go. I just pray that John and I will be obedient in whatever His next step is for us.

Tomorrow is my post-op appointment with Dr. Peppy. I have a list of questions (haha, poor guy) and am glad to update him on our progress so far. He is a great doctor and I am really hoping that he gives me clearance to start exercising and to start swimming! We are housesitting right now and the people have a beautiful pool that I am dying to try! And, I am ready to exercise to get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I am 4 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight (2 from the pregnancy and 2 from my comfort food this last week, haha).

Last, but not least, one of the friends I visited today gave me a book about miscarriages. I had asked her if she had any good books (because she has walked this before) and she gave me a copy of one she really liked. I just kinda threw it in my purse without looking at it. When, I came home, I instantly fell in love with the cover! That's right, I haven't even read any of it yet, but it's already encouraged me so much. The title is, "Morning Will Come" and it has Psalm 30:5 on the front, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." When trying to describe this season of life, it just feels so dark, pitch black. And, just the realization that the morning will come has overwhelmed me with excitement! I also realized that part of that excitement is because of Christ's death and resurrection. Oh, how dark it was on that Friday, pitch black. There was much weeping and it seemed like the darkness would never end. But, the light eventually came on that Sunday. And, everything has been better because of it!

I know that the morning will come and I am anxiously awaiting for it to get here...

Oh, How He Loves Us

Oh, how Jesus loves us. Notice that today's post is much earlier than usual. Looks like the darkness decided to creep up a little earlier today. Oh well. Our sense of time is so off anyways. But, regardless of what day it is or what time the hurt begins to surface, it's been neat to feel God's love. Even when I get so upset that I cannot think on Him, I know deep down that He's thinking of us. God never intended for things like this to happen. Oh, to take a time machine back to the Garden of Eden and beg Adam and Eve to just not listen to the serpent. But, hey, I can't blame them. I have listened to the serpent way too many times in my own life to even try to think that I would have done anything different. But, overall, I know that God understands my feelings of despair.

I read more of C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" today. Wow. A man that will always be deemed as one of the intellectual giants of the Christian faith even had moments of deep grief and despair. It's comforting to read the words of a great giant in the faith and to know that my own grief doesn't even compare to some of the words he has written in this book. It's helped John and I to know that it could even be worse than this (even though that's hard to believe). Here's an excerpt from the book that I found astonishing today...

"...don't come to me talking about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand. Unless, of course, you can literally believe all that stuff about family reunions 'on the further shore', pictured in entirely earthly terms. But that is all unscriptural, all out of bad hymns and lithographs. There's not a word of it in the Bible. And it rings false. We know it couldn't be like that. Reality never repeats. The exact same thing is never taken away and given back. How well the spiritualists bait their hook! 'Things on this side are not so different after all.' There are cigars in Heaven. For that is what we should all like. The happy past restored.

...'Do not mourn like those that have no hope.' It astonishes me, the way we are invited to apply to ourselves words so obviously addressed to our betters. What St. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better than the dead, and the dead better than themselves. If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild."

Wow. He's a lot smarter than me! Haha, and a whole lot better at articulating the truth of my current pain. Sure, I know that my dead child is in Heaven and that I can still have my chief purpose of glorifying God. But, the motherhood I was planning to understand more in the month of May, is causing me the pain. Will I probably get to experience that at some point in my life? I pray the answer is yes. But, it just won't be the way I thought. All in all, it's an awesome book and definitely a lot of "Whoooaaa" moments. Amazing that such an intelligent and Christ-filled man felt so alone.

Today, I've thought a lot about last Monday. It was the last time I was pregnant and happy. As I already said in an earlier post, I went to the store to buy cutesy Fall decorations for our apartment door. As I walked the aisles I dreamed about adding to our seasonal decorations more and more for our precious baby to be able to experience all of the seasons as much as possible. And, I talked about how I wandered the baby aisle of the scrapbooking section and admired the baby stickers I would be buying very soon.

Also, on Monday, I met my mother on the other side of town in the afternoon. She bought John and I an antenna for our television. She was horrified at the fact that we had no television channels and took it upon herself to bless us with an antenna to get the local channels :o) On my way to meet her, I listened to two songs. The first was "Center" by Charlie Hall. This was the song sung as I walked down the aisle towards John at our wedding. I listened to the song and got teary as I prayed that God would make me a better wife. I actually talked with John later that night about how I felt like I needed to start to make more effort to be a Godly wife. Of course, he said I already was a Godly wife, but I confessed to him that I needed to cover him more in prayer than I had been our first 2 months.

The second song I listened to was "Fix You" by Coldplay. I started to really cry at this song. I was thinking about our baby at lyrics like this, "When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. And, the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Lights will guide you home, ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you." I cried and cried and sang this to my baby. I had no idea that there was something wrong that I couldn't fix. I didn't know that my baby had already passed the point of "fixing". Oh, how I sang that song several times through in the car that last Monday. And, I meant every word. I had pictured holding our baby as he or she cried and couldn't be calmed down. How I would try everything to fix the situation. I thought about our child's first heartbreak and how I would try to pick up the pieces. I had no idea I wouldn't get that chance.

But, the good news, is that Jesus knows how to fix that better than me. And, currently, He's been given the job completely and not me! I wish I could be the one He used to hold my baby and bring comfort and fix baby Phillips. But, God had different plans. And, I'm working on fully accepting that.

Oh, how last Monday is seeming farther and farther away. Tomorrow I know I will wake up with the first thought that it's been a week since the news. But, I am going to think on last Monday as long as I can.

All of this sad talk is making me hungry for dinner. I think it's time to heat up the pasta shells that a dear friend made for us. Once again, we love all of you and are so thankful to have you with us!! It's been a tough road, but I know the sunlight will come again before know it. Until then, we're learning how to live life and love Jesus in the darkness. We genuinely hope that all of you had a great Columbus Day today! We enjoyed our day together!

Why Does The Night Stink So Bad?

I have no idea what it is, but when the sun goes down, it seems like any type of sanity I have left goes down with it. So weird. I almost wonder if it has to do with a hormone shift. I know in the evening your body begins to decrease in certain hormones to get you ready for slumber. Maybe my mood has something to do with that? Or maybe it's just that the nighttime reminds me of how dark things feel right now. Or maybe it's both!

We went to church today. John took the morning off, so that we could both go to the service together. We slept in a little bit and then got up about 30 minutes before walking out of the door for the 10:45am service. When we walked into the worship center the service had just begun. I had one moment of slight panic when we first walked into the service. It might have all been in my head, but it felt like several people had turned to stare at us (and, even if they were I am sure it was out of care for us and that they were happy to see us). I am not sure if I could have squeezed John's hand any tighter or walked any faster than I did in that moment. But, all in all, it was good to be in church.

I have been so overwhelmed at how many people have been reading this blog. There are so many more people than the ones that have commented on here. I have gotten so many emails and text messages regarding my blog posts. You are all so very sweet and caring to actually read these things. Honestly, lately it has been to just try and sort through my emotions at the end of the day. But, it is so nice to know that so many of you are following our journey through all of this. I have no idea if we're handling it right or not, but we appreciate your prayers and support.

One of the things that has made me laugh the most about some of the responses I have received are about "my strength". I always say to John, "Did they actually read the blog??" A lot of times I feel like I am showing so much of my weakness and my current fragile state. I mean, let's see here...I ran out of a restaurant yesterday and balled my eyes out in the car! The grief really feels like it's stronger than me right now. But, even if it is, I do know that Jesus is stronger than the grief.

One of my latest struggles, amongst many, is deciding what to do with our baby stuff. And, by that, I mean the ultrasound pictures, pictures of us headed to the first doctors appointment, pictures of us celebrating the news at Sonic because it was the only thing that sounded good to me at the time, the pictures from me surprising John with the baby news, the card I gave John when I surprised him, the pictures we took every week of my belly so that we could track the growth, the baby book that I began to fill out with information of our baby, etc. I was originally planning to begin the pregnancy scrapbook while still pregnant. I knew that once the baby came, I wouldn't want to focus on the pregnancy book, but rather the baby's scrapbook. So, now I am trying to decide if I still make a scrapbook out of what I have. I don't know if that's something that would delay the healing process or help me through the healing process.

The reality is and always will be, this was our first baby. We will never again be pregnant for a first time. This was our first time. I will never have that feeling like a train hit me when I read the positive pregnancy test and wondering what it is going to feel like to be pregnant. Sure, I may experience part of that feeling again, but never in a way of how it was for my first. Just like when I surprised John and he about passed out, he may experience that somewhat again but not like the first time. Therefore, I do want to honor my baby and not feel like I am just throwing pictures in a box to try to get it away to forget about it all. The reality is, I can't ever forget this. Sure, I hope the pain lessens over time, but this will always be a part of our story. John and I will forever live the story that yes we got pregnant 3 weeks after getting married but we won't have a baby to hold on our 1 year wedding anniversary. I guess I just need to pray through on what I should do to remember our baby. Whether it's a scrapbook or something else, I know we should do something.

Well, in closing, I have started to read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. He has always been a favorite author and I have been amazed at this book so far. He is so honest and his pain is so real. He wrote the book (well, really it was his journal, he never originally planned to publish it) after his wife died. It's comforting to read the words of a spiritual giant like Lewis while he walked through a deep valley. I have found so many of his words to be relatable to me right now. And, it's pretty easy to read (unlike some of his books). If you are going through any type of grief, I would highly recommend this book so far.

I think I am going to try and go to bed at a decent hour this evening. I doubt it, but it's worth a try. But, once again, thank you all so much for reading and for your precious words of encouragement. John and I are extremely blessed. Even if God did not give us one more thing, He has already blessed us beyond measure. And, for those of you reading that do have children, you hug on those precious kids extra tight today and tomorrow. When you have to get up at 3am again, just know that there is a man and woman in Orlando, Florida that would do anything to be waking up to hold their baby at 3am in May, but they won't have that chance. Love on those beautiful children and give them a hug from me!

Another Day

Just to show that we are so confused on the concept of time right now, John turned on the TV this morning and saw a bunch of cartoons. He was like, wow, there are so many cartoons on right now. I responded with, well, it's Saturday. Then, he said whaaaat? No way! I laughed and told him that at least one of us knows what day it is every other day. Too funny. Once he realized the cartoon time was almost over (we had another late night last night, therefore we didn't really get up until later), he said he wished he got up earlier to watch more cartoons. Haha, I must say that I probably agree with him!

Today was another of the same. Lots of laying around on the couch or bed watching TV with intermittent moments of the internet or crying. We had some friends stop by today to bring us lunch, I kind of had to laugh afterwards at the way I looked when they came over. I was still half asleep, my hair all over the place, no make-up, gym shorts on with a t-shirt. But, they were sweet enough to not tell me how ridiculous I appeared. I probably looked even more pathetic than I really am, haha.

Today I actually had some more physical pain than usual since the surgery. I woke up in a little more pain than expected. But, praise Jesus for motrin. I am really ready for all of the physical pain to be over. Every time I have a cramp or bleeding, it is just constant reminders of the reality that my baby is no longer inside of my body. Hopefully, I will only have a couple more days of the phase we are in now.

Tonight, I took shower and actually decided to style my hair! That's right, who knew I would be so proud of myself for throwing some hair products in and blowdrying my hair. I told John (very randomly) that I wanted to go to the Florida Mall. I honestly have no idea why. The more I've thought about it, I think it's because we never go there. The Florida Mall always makes me think of our engagement. So, I guess I wanted to feel closer to happier times. We didn't really go into any stores, we just walked. Which, that was actually probably pretty stupid considering I had more cramping today than yesterday. Oh well.

It felt good to be out, but not really. When we walked out of the mall, I told John that it felt like everyone knew what they were doing. Like, everyone knew where to walk, what they were doing that night, etc. But, I felt as though I never got the memo on what I am supposed to do next or how I am supposed to feel. Then, John suggested we go to a Mexican restaurant in Kissimmee that we've been wanting to try. I knew back in my brain I wasn't totally up for it, but figured I would be fine once we got there.

I felt really out of it when we got to the restaurant. But, we sat down and ordered. I was pretty quiet and wasn't eating much. I have no idea why, but when our food came out. My eyes started welling up with tears. I started playing with my food and thought about how I'll never get to take my baby out to a restaurant with us. I'll never get to teach our child how to use a fork or a spoon. Then, my mind started to race with all of things I'll never get to show our child or teach our child. It all hit really hard and I told John I had to get out of there. I grabbed his keys and ran to the car. He paid for the food and got it to go. John and our waitress were great, because it didn't take that long.

There I was in our car, seat back, and me balling my eyes out. There I am in the parking lot crying out to God with like three groups of people near the car all talking to each other and loving life. While they are all talking, I'm lying there begging Jesus to hold my baby tight tonight. And, to tell my baby that I am so sorry that I never had the chance to hold him or her. And, I'm sorry I never got to teach anything to baby Phillips. I just kept begging Jesus over and over to hold my baby and to tell baby Phillips how deep my love is for my child. Then, I just kept telling Jesus how dark things are right now. And, how I have never walked anything close to this terrible before. Then, I told Him how regardless of how low things are, that I do know He is close.

It's so strange that I find myself writing these things on this blog or that I post stuff on Twitter or Facebook. It's like, my grief is so thick, I can't even think through what I am saying. Sometimes, after I post a Twitter, I regret it soon later. It's like I'm not thinking when I say it. Oh well. I guess I'm just being honest. But, I have always tried to not be that person that makes really awkward posts all the time and airs way too much private stuff in public. Hopefully my rantings just cause people to pray and that it helps get me through.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post the Bible verses I found to comfort me. I have never really known where I stood on the whole do miscarried babies go to Heaven issue. I've never had any reason to research that. The Lord gave me several passages today to comfort me that I can know that baby Phillips is with Jesus. I am one of those people that can't just believe in something because it sounds good, I need strong Biblical proof to trust a theory like this one. And, now that I have done the looking myself, I am so grateful to know that I will see my baby again one day. It's been a great comfort today.

We love all of you and are so grateful for you! Your prayers have gotten us through! Thank you for the words of encouragement, the meals, the gifts, and the overall support. You are one of the many blessings that God has provided through all of the yucky-ness!