I Can't Imagine Heaven's Lullabies

Today has been a little bit better. I had my post-op appointment and it was great to see my doctor today. He is so precious and we are very thankful for him. He answered every question we had and he was so tenderhearted to us. It was a good appointment, although we had an interesting encounter at the reception desk. The lady said, "Oh, you're here for post-partum, where's your baby?!" She seemed so excited, I wasn't quite sure how to respond. It didn't make me upset at all, it never makes me upset to get congratulations. People are excited for us, they just don't know that we're not excited any more. I never know how to explain the truth of our situation now. I just don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. So, I just responded with an awkward, "Well, we miscarried our baby," and she seemed apologetic and quickly dropped the subject. I told Dr. Peppy about it laughingly and he felt sad for us. I told him that it really was fine.

I had one almost breakdown today in the middle of Target. Can we say awkward?? I randomly decided that I wanted a new pair of jeans for today. I already had a new top that I had bought on clearance before we knew anything was wrong with baby Phillips. It's nice and baggy (part of the style) and figured it would be a good one for a growing belly in our near future. Well, I decided I wanted to wear that today, but that I wanted some cute jeans to go with it. I figured that if I felt cute today walking into that doctor's appointment, it would help to know that I will conquer all of this sooner.

Of course I decided to go to Target when I only had about 20 minutes to shop before I needed to get home and get ready for the appointment. And, of course they didn't have exactly what I was looking for. Um, how in the world did I forget that I HATE going jean shopping on a really good day, so why would I go when I'm in the middle of all of this? I called John in a panic. I started tearing up and pacing around the store (I am sure I freaked out any nearby customers). He encouraged me to just get the pair that kind of fit and that if I didn't like them with my shirt, we could return them. So, I did. And, got a necklace in case the jeans were a bust :o) The jeans look great with the shirt and they will fit a little better when I lose my now remaining two pounds!

I didn't get the chance to tell all of you about what John and I did last night. I got a little sidetracked with letting everyone know to please not share their miscarriage story to us, unless I ask for it right now. And, I do still stand by that right now. Please try and understand. But, anyways, I digress :o)

We went to Michael's last night (with no coupon, blah! I was cringing!). We bought a beautiful white pillar candle and a cute silver stand for it. We plan to use it tomorrow, October 15th, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. The idea is to have people light a candle at 7:00pm in remembrance of all of the babies that have been lost and that there would be a candle lit all over the world the entire day. John and I will be lighting our beautiful, new candle tomorrow night in remembrance of our first child. I think it's going to provide a lot of healing. It didn't take us too long to pick out the candle and stand which I am grateful for. I thought I would breakdown during the process, but it was actually healing to pick out the candle to honor our baby with. We would love for you to light a candle tomorrow evening in remembrance of baby Phillips and all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage and many other sad things of our fallen world. And, please let us know if you participate, we would love to hear about it.

Also, we bought a beautiful baby scrapbook. We decided to go ahead and make the scrapbook of all of our memories from this pregnancy. I just remember thinking that this was the last time I could buy anything for this baby. What a devastating thought. But, I held it all together and it was such a beautiful experience to pick out pretty stickers for the book. Normally with scrapbooks, I pick the cheapest stickers and get whatever is on sale. This time, I went out of my normal clearance buying self and bought the stickers that I felt were just perfect. I also loved the fact that John helped to pick everything out as well. He did such a great job and contributed to so much of it. I loved that it was the both of us trying to figure out the best way to remember our baby. So, overall it was such a healing experience and just confirmed the fact that we are supposed to do the book. If we do have children later on, we will be able to show them the book and explain to them that they have an older brother or sister that is now in Heaven.

We love all of you very much! Seriously, I cannot even explain how precious all of you are. And, I have heard so many heartbreaking stories from so many of you, including many that are not pregnancy related. I am glad to know that the Lord is using our healing process to heal others of so many different things. Just keep praying for us as we are beginning to feel like we are actually able to get through the day now. Heck, I did my hair today and actually put some powder on my face! The pain still runs deep but there's been a comfort in the mundane things of returning back to the same schedule as before all of this happened.

I can't even begin to imagine Heavens lullabies, but am so glad that baby Phillips is experiencing it right now. We love you precious baby!