Beauty Instead of Ashes

"to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." -Isaiah 61:3b

When we first moved into the house we are currently renting three years ago, there was this cute little flower bed near the front door. And, in this bed was a tall plant hanger. I immediately forgot about my black thumbs and decided I needed some "pretty flowers" to hang there. 

So, off to the store I went with John and Ella still in my belly. I decided that the dark purple flowers were pretty and they were already in baskets ready to hang. I couldn't wait to get home and hang those puppies up! As soon as we got home, that's exactly what I did. They were so pretty and I'm sure I must've squealed and/or clapped, which is my typical reaction when I think something looks just too perfect. 

As time went on, I did a crazy dance back and forth with these flowers. I'd forget about them and then see them browning, so I would frantically get a cup of water to revive them. But, it didn't take much longer until those pretty purple flowers went bye-bye. 

I've noticed that when your family is in a season of having babies, something usually gives. For some it's cooking, for some it's cleaning, for some it's the yard, for some (like us) it's a small bit of everything. Those poor pretty purple flowers were one of the things in our yard that totally bit the dust and we never looked back. 

Here is what makes you so glad to not have to be our neighbor...we are just classy enough to have kept the plastic hanging baskets on the plant hanger! Oh my word, I can't even contain my laughter as I sit here and think about how those tacky plastic baskets have hung there for three years with only the first few months of those three years even containing any flowers. 

What makes you even happier that you're not our neighbor or our family, is that my mother in law totally tried to help us out in the tacky area by filling the baskets up with pinecones from our yard. Ya know, trying to help us not look like the complete freaks of the whole city when most people around here have nice landscaping. 

So, there the baskets have sat. Full of pinecones for 2.5 years. Then, our sweet, precious, handsome miracle of a son, Warner lived on this earth for under an hour and went to be with Jesus. We were so incredibly blessed that family and friends dropped what they were doing to come into town to mourn with us. 

My father in law came into town as my mother in law was already. Our family always does way too much to help us when they're in town. I'm sure the plastic hanging baskets full of pinecones are no indication to them as to how much help we need...

But, my father in law mowed our lawn and trimmed our bushes while he was here. While trimming the bushes, he accidentally whacked one of the plastic pieces of the basket that was holding it up. John showed it to me the day after and I completely cracked up. 

But, here's reason #48 why you're happy to not be our neighbor, we have left the baskets hanging there STILL. Yes, I'll blame it all on the grief...the grief has just made it impossible to think clearly and I totally would've gotten rid of the now barely hanging plastic basket of classy pinecones. Yep, mmhmm...

But, just a few days ago, John and I loaded up the girls for our daily walk and there it was...

Beauty out of the ashes. 

All hope was lost. The container was falling apart. The pinecones threatened to choke out the beauty. But, when it's time for beauty to arise, there's nothing that can stand against it. 

No one in their right mind would ever expect hope to spring up in that flower basket. It had been neglected and forgotten about for years. There had not even been a glimpse of the possibility of a flower for 2.5 years. Even the basket was barely hanging on by the time the flower bloomed. But, even despite the container seemingly falling apart, at least it was still hanging on. 

We are still hanging on. I don't understand how beauty can spring up during the ugliest of situations. I don't understand how all of the surroundings can point to despair, yet hope takes its rightful place. 

I can assure you that it was no accident that those tacky plastic hanging baskets have hung full of pinecones for years. This day was coming just for me. That little purple flower spoke volumes of God's beauty, hope, and light in the middle of the darkest of situations. 

We have been praying and will continue to pray that Warner's life would shine the beacon of hope in Christ to a dark and ugly world. And, that little flower has proved just that hope. 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." -Ecclesiastes 3:11a

My God Gives

Where was God?

Where is He now?

Why must God keep taking things away?

God was there when my heart shattered on March 24th and I knew Warner was on the way. God held me together as I pictured baby boy sucking his thumb that we had just seen on the ultrasound that morning. God kept me from losing control and missing the one hour we had with Warner.

A tiny hospital room in the middle of Fayetteville, Georgia, became a sanctuary of God's presence on this Palm Sunday. While the whole rest of the world went about their business, we met our son. We met the son that we prayed fervently to not meet until the summer. And, my Jesus was there.

He showed up in even more grandeur than He did 2,000 years ago on that first Palm Sunday. No donkeys this year. But, a Savior that was willing to hold us together and carry my son to God. A Savior that, we believe, had His heart broken with us. A Lord that wept with us over what this broken world produces. Infection.
Premature labor.
Death.

But, my Jesus reminded the enemy again of where he's headed when all is said and done. Satan didn't win three weeks ago and he's not winning today. And, how he shook with anger at the truth that filled that hospital room, "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

There is a God that intimately loves me, my husband, and all of my children. There is a Savior willing to carry you to God when all of the pieces are just so scattered that you don't feel presentable to a Holy God.

My Jesus is strong enough to hold you tight when this broken world hurts too much. He never intended for sin and death. But, our God is such a giver in nature that rather than taking away our very hope for life, He gave the very thing I lost 3 weeks ago. His only begotten Son.

My God does not look at my life wondering what thing He can take away from me to bring Him more glory. Oh my dear friend, on the contrary. My God has such an extravagant love for me that He gives and gives and gives. He's looking into your heart with the intent to give you life and to give it to you abundantly. Don't miss it.

Bold Prayer and the Sovereignty of God

 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:11-13

The day we found out we were pregnant with baby Warner, we were so very surprised! For each of our kids, God gave me verses to pray throughout the pregnancy. So, I prayed on the very day we found out that God would give me those verses quickly this time around to help make the pregnancy more real to me. And, He provided quickly with Jeremiah 29:11-13 and little did I know how God prepared me even on December 10, 2012, for our sweet baby boy's life.

Not only has God continued to show me that He is good and never has an intent to harm us, He is a God that hears us pray. And, when we wholeheartedly seek Him as we pray, we find Him. There ended up being many Scriptures we prayed throughout this pregnancy, but I have always returned to this passage. I am in complete awe of God's faithfulness to go before us in ways that we can't even fully comprehend.

In several conversations with people, I've told them how I really do feel like I did everything I could for baby Warner. And, I add that I not only feel like I did everything physically I possibly could, I did everything spiritual that I could. We boldly prayed Scripture over little man every day, we battled the enemy through the authority given to us by Jesus Christ, I took my time on bedrest to study God's word in depth, we asked others to join us in prayer even with specific Scriptures to pray, and we ultimately believed, with faith even greater than a mustard seed, that God would heal me and Warner.

After sweet little man passed away, I was holding his little lifeless body and prayed with boldness and every inch of my being. I prayed asking God in complete faith and peace to rewind time and allowing everything to be okay with Warner. From the top of my head to the tip of my toes, I believed in complete faith that God was big enough to even rewind time and allow my son to live a healthy life on earth. A minute or two passed and Warner was still gone in my arms. There was an overwhelming, added sense of peace at the answer that God had not removed my cup of suffering

"And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”  And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him.  And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground." -Luke 22:41-44

For the last several years, one of my go to prayers for my own walk and life with the Lord has been Philippians 3:10 

"that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,"

And, I can say that God has been answering those prayers. I feel like I am the closest I've ever been to sharing in His sufferings. I've also come to realize that there is really one ultimate goal as we boldly pray...we boldly pray to become more like Jesus. 

His sovereign will is so much higher, so much greater, and so much more peaceful than my own. There is no magic prayer, no lots to cast, no special sacrifice that can produce anything more amazing than asking for His will to be done and it happens.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8,9

Josiah Warner

Here I am! I've been wanting to write a blog this week and frankly just haven't had the time. And, each time I've tried to process what I might want to write, my head has spun. Right now the house is quiet as everyone is asleep. So, looks like it's as good a time as any, even if I have no clue what I'm going to write!

Sweet baby boy Josiah Warner was born on Palm Sunday, March 24, 2013, at 4:35pm. He was 8.6oz and 9.25in long. He was beautiful and we kept talking about how much he looked like his sisters! He lived for just under an hour and passed away in our arms.

I never thought I would be holding one of my children as they go to meet Jesus, but it was surprisingly peaceful. Just before he was born, we asked Jesus to come and our room was filled with the Lord's presence. As many of you know, baby Warner's name was originally supposed to be John Warner after his daddy. Right before he was born and we knew he was definitely on his way, we decided to change it to Josiah because it means "The Lord Saves". And, He had.

Several people have told us that they're sorry for our loss, have shed tears for us, prayed for us, and have said how strong we are for trusting Jesus despite the fact that He didn't heal me or Josiah Warner. But, I feel like we are doing a disservice to God's goodness to not explain what we've known to be true from the second he was born.

God's healing came on Palm Sunday afternoon. It came in a much bigger and extravagant way than a mere human could try to fit into words. Josiah Warner had a life that, in ways, I'm jealous over. He was born alive and as healthy as can be for 19 weeks gestation. He got to hear his parents voices on the outside, he got to feel our warm snuggles, he felt our tender kisses on his face, he heard us pray Scripture over him as he left a world of such turmoil and entered into a paradise we cannot fathom yet. He only experienced our loving embrace before seeing Jesus in His fullness and I believe telling him that he'd done a good job, His faithful servant.

How can I stand here and not testify to the miracle that Jesus gave us? Is the sorrow deeper and more painful than I've ever known before? Absolutely. But, I can't help but bow to a God that is infinitely higher than my thinking. He can handle my tears, my sadness, my empty womb.

Josiah Warner's life has already made an impact on this dark world. How can I not be thankful to be his mommy and for God's miracle? I'm smack dab in the middle of a massive work God is doing. And, while I have my moments of wishing I get to live out my days with a healthy son on earth rather than this road to walk, He has been nothing but faithful. Jesus asked for His cup to be removed and it wasn't. I've prayed to "become like Him in His sufferings" over the past few years. My cup wasn't removed either. Now I'm living in the hope that only God can bring. And, what a glorious hope it is!

Not My Family!

We are still so grateful for so many of you praying! John asked for folks to pray Psalm 91 last night and it was so beautiful to see how many of you did. We have been claiming it over baby Warner's life and the power of Scripture is an amazing one.

As some of you know, I've had the privilege of going around the world to tell people about Jesus. I've always had such a longing for the whole world to know of the power of Christ. I've been in some very dark places. Places where you can physically feel the weight of evil. The darkness is so thick that you can't help but feel it. I've prayed over demon possessed people and watched as the Lord healed (yes, it does still happen). All of that to say, some of the darkest dark I have ever felt come against me is since John and I started our family.

The enemy attacked our family HARD after Ella was born. Maybe one day I'll go into details, but suffice it to say that John really stood in the gap for our family. And, through the power and grace that the Lord lavished on us, we've been able to stand strong. But, I say that to say, God really gave me a peek into the spiritual warfare that happens over Jesus loving families. I firmly believe that the enemy attacks those families as his number one to defeat. I never would have really understood that until I walked it.

Yesterday afternoon and then into the night, I could really feel the weight of everything that is currently happening. We have sensed from the beginning of all this that the enemy is even prowling over our unborn child because he knows that our family desires to further the Kingdom. But, last night, the dark got thick.

I kept handing all the pieces over to the Lord, the only thing I know to do. I continually prayed that the Holy Spirit would intercede on my behalf because I was too weak (and, that is a plug to memorize Scripture, because when you're too weak, the Holy Spirit will pull down deep).

It's interesting, because in this condition, any rise in my blood pressure can cause us to lose the baby. And, something insane has happened each dadgum day to try and get my blood pressure up! Haha! From toilets exploding out of nowhere to grandmother's passing away to a million other things, I've been able to remain in peace from the Lord. Last night wasn't quite the same story, but God wiped my tears and frustration. He protected sweet baby and gave me the physical rest I needed last night.

And, it's all because of a husband willing to intercede for his wife and his family while everyone is asleep. In the dark of the night, which could accurately describe the feelings, he prayed Scripture, sung praises to our God, and stood in the gap telling the enemy "Not my family!" We are one blessed family and praises to the God who reigns sovereign despite the enemy's threat to steal, kill and destroy!

Miracles

I am so incredibly humbled and grateful by the outpouring of love we've received this last week and a half. I really can't believe how many people are praying and fervently doing so. Even old friends that I haven't talked to in a long time have reached out to us. We are really so very blessed!

This has been such a crazy week and a half! Each crazy thing that happens, I'm always still a bit stunned when we get to other side of the road block. Then, the next one comes and I'm a little in shock then, too! And, I sincerely don't mean that in a bad way, just a did-that-really-just-happen kind of way. Barring a whole lot nauseous and severe gallbladder attacks, my pregnancies with the girls were fairly uneventful. So, this is all very new territory!

I've told some people here and there about the verses God gave me the day we found out I was pregnant. I was a bit in shock (okay, maybe a lot of shock) and even though we were excited, I literally had my gallbladder removed less than 2 weeks before, and it all seemed like a lot at once. Again, let me reiterate that I was excited, but I've never had such a big surprise in my life, haha!! That morning I prayed that the Lord would give me verses to pray over baby (I have verses for each of our babies that God directed me to in each pregnancy), I figured that praying the verses would help make baby feel more real. God didn't waste much time and immediately gave me Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart"

Wow, did He go before us or what?! After our first big scare at 10 weeks, I went straight to those verses and prayed them a thousand times over. I was calling upon Him and I could trust that He was hearing me. God has been incredibly close as we have prayed and sought Him with all of our heart.

He is teaching me and molding me in a way I hope I don't ever forget. He is showing me that He really, honestly, truly does not harm us. While I've always known the truth that God is for His people and not against them, it's a truth that is taking on flesh for me. He doesn't have an evil plan for us or this baby. No matter what happens all the days of my life, God is good. He is faithful. He hears when we pray.

In January, after listening to John Piper and Francis Chan at Passion, they each talked about walking into suffering with open arms. I prayed that I would do the same. That I wouldn't waste a trial or suffering handed to me to bear to further the cause of Christ. Oh, that I might become like Him sharing in His sufferings! (Phil 3:9-11)

After our first big scare and on our way to the OB, I prayed (completely of the Holy Spirit, because Lord knows I would not have on my own) "Lord, if you ask us to walk the darkest valley, I will do it". I even couldn't believe I prayed it and actually meant it. And, found peace in it! I haven't told anyone my little prayer and I've prayed it on the way to each appointment (including our ER visit).

All I know is that God is good. He's good when He performs the obvious miracles and He's good when by all worldly standards it seems as though He's not around. I'm learning that His grace doesn't just occur when we narrowly missed a bad thing by the work of His hand, but that His grace is in abundance over His believers all. the. time. I'm experiencing His undeniable grace on so many levels. And, thanks in part to so many of you that have prayed! You have been a part of a miracle. And, not just the obvious miracles of our physical lives being spared, but the miracle that is occurring in my faith.

Protection

Another little update about our crazy life these days :-)

Friday night was a little scary in our house. I've come to the conclusion that if something scary is going to happen in this pregnancy, it prefers to take place at the worst time. When you're getting ready for bed is no time for chaos to break loose. But, thankfully, things settled down a few hours later and we were able to get some much needed sleep. I had lots of nightmares that night (I already dream a lot when I'm pregnant), but the Lord was unbelievably gracious and I was able to fall back asleep quickly each time (which, it really was from the Lord because I've battled insomnia this pregnancy and I definitely would've been left wide awake by the dreams).

One thing that Friday night taught us is a better scope of my boundaries. As I posted before, we went out to celebrate Charlotte's birthday and while I really did sit and avoided doing a lot of lifting and such, I obviously was still walking around more than normal. I was selfishly hoping that all would go well Friday and afterwards so I wouldn't be mostly confined to the house. But, as my doctor said at our last appointment "our bodies give us signs when things aren't working right". And, boy, ain't that the truth.

As I've laid around, taken it easy, drank a lot of water, stayed on top of my vitamins, and everything else possible to protect this life growing within and my own, I am consistently reminded of God's protection of us through Jesus Christ. I'm doing everything possible to protect this life that doesn't even know it needs protecting. Baby was happily dancing around in the last ultrasound, oblivious to the odds that have already been conquered and potential threats we may fight along the way. I can't help but think of Jesus leaving His most perfect throne in Heaven to fight for us. To protect us. To call us by name as His child. He died for us so that we could claim His protection over us. He protected us before we ever had a clue that we needed protecting.

I really do believe strongly that baby and I are going to make it out of all this healthy. And, I can honestly say that is only from the Lord. Fear can pervade so easily (especially to someone that *might* tend to be a control freak). I think one of the things the Lord is trying to teach me is how to be still over these next few months. And, how to completely hand over all of the things I do for our family to Him (it's rather easy to feel like you're failing your family when all of a sudden all of the physical things you can do for them has been stripped away). I'm so grateful and humbled that God has chosen our family to refine and teach! I just hope that I choose to listen!

Pregnancy News

So, it's been roughly a million years since I've updated this thing! I love reading other people's blogs, but the time for updating my own was one of the things that went out the window after Charlotte was born! I've always missed it and thought that at some point it may happen again and today looks to be the lucky day ;o)

As many of you already know, we are pregnant again!! Baby is due August 20th and I'm currently 13 weeks along! For those of you keeping track of our circus, that's a month before Ella's third birthday aka we're about to have 3 babies aged 2 and under! Craziness. But, I really do love the idea. Call me crazy, but it honestly sounds like a lot of fun!

What we haven't told as many people is some of what we've been facing the last 13 weeks and what may lie ahead. At 10 weeks, we really thought we were losing the baby. I don't want to go in graphic detail in any of this stuff, but we were devastated. Of course, it was MLK Day which meant that my doctor's office was closed and I really didn't want to go to the hospital. The next morning, we went to the doctor and baby was great!

A week and half later we had some further disconcerting signs, so back to the doctor. We heard the heartbeat and determined all was well until we could have a more detailed ultrasound the next week to figure out what was going on. We were given two possibilities that the doctor believed could be happening. We had the ultrasound and it turns out we hit the lottery! I have both complications! Haha, not to take something serious and make it a joke, but I laughed a lot that day. It was like, hmm, so both of these things are fairly rare and I end up with both of them at the same time? Crazy.

But, ultimately, it means I am on light bed rest and will be in the doctor's office a lot. We are pretty hopeful that miscarriage is off of the table at this point. But, we are the most concerned about the third trimester and what it may hold. We need to keep a close eye on baby's growth and my health at that point. We are extremely confident in our doctor and believe that the Lord has placed me under his care very intentionally. It's all very funny to me because several things happened before all of this that the Lord used to confirm he is the doctor I need to be seeing.

Today we went to the Children's Museum in Atlanta to celebrate Charlotte's birthday with a family outing. We knew it had lots of places to sit and stretch out for me. But, since coming home from that, my body has made it evident that was a little too much. I'm glad we could escape for just a little bit for our sweet newly one year old, though! But, now we just know my parameters a little better :o)

God has already been teaching us a lot and we are so grateful He has given us these blessings known as our children. He is gently reminding us that life is fleeting and not one of us is guaranteed any day. Our children are His, not ours, and that is a strangely comforting, yet heart-wrenching thing all at once. How beautiful it is that we don't have to rely on ourselves to do what only God can. Yet, how we think we would be so much better in control! We are such a foolish people. I do hope to post later more on the lessons God is giving us as we walk through this with joy and trust in Him!

We do covet your prayers and we love you all! Thanks for reading what was hopefully not all over the place, hehe.