Beautiful Weather Tries to Heal a Torn Heart

I am not sure that the weather could be any more perfect right at this moment. I just let the dogs out to do their business (still housesitting) and I didn't want to come back inside. The sun is beginning to set, so there's a perfect glow and a crisp wind blowing around. I can't believe how perfect those few moments felt. No near panic attacks (like earlier today at church), no saddened heart over what's been lost, no wondering what our next step should be, no avoiding phone calls like I've done the last 24 hours (I love all of you, I'm just not sure I have much to say right now), no sadness, just a momentary feeling like all was right with the world. I wish I could just bottle up this weather so that whenever I have a day like this one, I can at least have the weather to cheer me up. Even if it's just a few moments of feeling like my life isn't completely upside down, I'll take it!


Today was another day where I woke up and knew it wouldn't be good. But, I really did my best to push that feeling away and get excited for church. Yes, I have made it the last two weeks. John and I saw our senior pastor in the back hallway right as the service was beginning. He spotted us and the second he made eye contact with us, I had to fight tears. I was pretty close to losing it in the hallway. Golly, how quickly I can turn from holding it all together, to near meltdown. It just felt so safe to be upset right in that moment. Our senior pastor is an extremely caring and godly man, so it felt okay to have a weak moment in front of him. He told us he had been praying for us (he called John last week and prayed over the phone) and we are meeting with him tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to it, I think it'll be good. And, I still plan to follow my no mascara rule of the last two weeks, because I never know when I am going to cry! While black tears would probably accurately show how I feel, the streaky aftermath is not so attractive :o)


Church got me thinking today about joy. I sat down in the back row (so many back row Baptists jokes went through my head as we sat there today, but I digress...) and stayed in my seat while I everyone reached their feet and clapped over God giving joy in the middle of bad times. I am not joyful right now and I think that's okay. Follow me here...I have a lot to be joyful about and I am grateful to the Lord for so many blessings (including many blessings He has given through this storm). But, I am not to the stage of dancing around the building in rejoicing to the Lord. The Bible says to "Rejoice always and again I say rejoice", but, I also know that there is a "time and season for everything under Heaven", including grief. Like I said earlier, "weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning". Currently, I am still in the nighttime. And, I believe that God's okay with that. You know how I know?


Jesus.


Before He died on that cross, He asked the Father if there was any way that cup could be removed from Him. He wasn't exactly doing cartwheels of joy in the garden when He was getting ready to die for the sins of the world. The Father let Him know that this was the only way. And, Jesus did it. I don't believe He did through rejoicing that He was so glad He could through this. His rejoicing in those horrendous hours, were through His obedience. He displayed His love for God and for creation by simply walking where God told Him to walk, even when He didn't want to. And, that's what I am doing. I've already asked God if there was another way (after that dreaded ultrasound) and you know what? He said no. Is it the way I wanted to do things? Absolutely not. But, the only thing I know, is that I am walking the road God Himself has asked me to walk on. And, it ain't pretty. But, the cross wasn't pretty either. That tomb didn't start out very pretty either. But, because of the obedience of Jesus, that tomb AND that hideous cross, became the most beautiful symbols this world could ever see. Oh, praise God that Sunday came in full glory! My Sunday is not here yet, but I know that it will. I know that God has the ability to ask us to walk dark roads, but that ability also takes our dark roads and "works it together for good".


I've already seen small glimpses of God's 'working together for good' business, but I know there's more. I also know there's a lot more that I won't see or understand this side of Heaven. And, Jesus felt even lower than me at a point in time. Therefore, I think He was okay with the fact that I didn't jump to my feet with "hallelujah's" this morning. But, He sees my heart pursuing Him and chasing Him and just flat out needing Him right now. He'll bring the joy back in my life. He already gave me a glimpse tonight when I just stepped outside for a few minutes.


I am so thankful that Jesus gave me a true picture of brokenness. It's okay to be broken and to ask for a way out, but if that way out doesn't come, you walk that road. And, at the end of the hurtful road, God works it all out to be a beautiful picture of how He redeems things for good. Oh Lord, redeem this situation for good!!!